My worst fear

I may have mentioned it before on the blog, but my mom bought me the greatest invention of all time and I use it often. The Bugzooka! It's absolutely amazing, and a real life saver for a single arachnophobic girl living on her own. With this, all you do is push a button and it sucks the enemy into a chamber on the end, where they die. Or...live off the remains of other bugs. Whatev.
No longer do I feel trapped when there is a spider on the wall, or scurrying across the floor! No longer must I search for something to kill while still keeping me at a safe distance! See, this arachnophobia of mine can be quite debilitating. It's not like I despise spiders and just want to kill them all. I mean, I do, but this phobia is more than that. I want them dead, for sure. But killing them...well that puts me dangerously close to, like...touching them. BLECH! I can't clean dead spiders up (there may or may not be a pair of shoes hiding under my bed for the last year only because they were used to kill a spider and knowing that there are spider guts on them makes them unwearable to my mind), I can't look at pictures of spiders (I once hurled a national geographic across the lobby of the high school health center because I turned the page to see a picture of a man with his face literally covered by tarantulas), I can't watch movies with spiders (yes, I've seen arachnophobia and no I don't want to see it again as I still envision the shower/spider scene every single day of my life when in the shower), I just can't handle them. I even once ran from literally nothing in a haunted house because in my mind I saw a person in a spider costume. I cried...even though it was nothing. Nothing. Yes, this phobia is real.
I remember, years ago as a child, when I tried to kill a daddy long legs on my own. I had a baseball bat in my hands with the big end hovering a few inches from the wall where the spider was. I had every intention of smushing the spider but I couldn't. The closer the bat got to the wall, the more terrified I became. Because inside my tiny child brain, I had a vision. A vision that the spider was just waiting for me to strike and when I did it would leap onto the end of the bat and race up the wooden handle to my face where of course I would fall down screaming like a banshee, kicking and flailing on my way to the ground. I couldn't do it. I dropped the bat and ran screaming and trembling with fear.
I've always had someone there to take over when the fear was too much for me (that's every single time in case you're wondering). My mom, roommates, friends, boyfriends that I lived with. When there's a spider on the wall, or ceiling, or anywhere really, I scream for whoever is around and run for cover. Mom found the Bugzooka and knew it was something I needed in my life.
See, I still have those crazy thoughts in my head like I did as a child. I can still see, in my head, the spider falling from the wall after a failed shoe kill attempt, only to land on me, or my bed, or...God forbid....my shoes! Spiders are only welcome smeared on the bottom of a shoe, and even then, I don't want to wear it if it has spider cooties. And I can't be the one to clean the remains off (even from walls) because that involves touching spider bits. Oh God...what if I could feel it through the paper towel? Or if I got a leg on me... Blech blech blech!
So, having something that sucks a spider into a chamber where it is trapped and will die, without leaving a mess is an absolute blessing. Especially now that no one is around to kill offenders when they appear. It does still cause some problems though. The chamber requires emptying...which means you have to put your hands...on the chamber! Only a wall of plastic separates you from the captured spiders, and that's just not enough for me. Did I mention the thing is see through? Mine does not get emptied. Which is why some spiders can live forEVER in there. You also have to get the chamber end pretty close to the spider in order for the suction to actually have an effect. The bigger the spider, the closer you have to get. When the spider is in a web, unless you're quick (which I am not), it will feel you hit a strand of web and run away before you get to it.
Which is what happened a couple weeks ago. I was washing dishes, minding my own two legged business, when I glanced outside. Ahh, how nice it is when we get sunshine in the Northwest. As my eyes came back to the dishes, something caught my eye just under the cupboards above the sink. Between the cupboards and the fuse box, on the wall not 2 feet from me, was a decent size gangly looking spider. Not one of those big thick ones that you know will make a crunch sound when you kill it. He was big like a quarter, but he had skinny long legs. Ugh...thinking of the details makes my skin crawl.
I finished the dish I was washing and turned off the water. I did not run to the Bugzooka, for I did not want to alert the spider of it's impending capture. For he would surly run and hide somewhere. And not knowing where a live spider is in my house is just not ok. So I calmly walked to the Bugzooka. I calmly made sure it was cocked and ready to go. I slowly walked back to the sink. I lifted my savior and positioned my finger on the vacuum button. I went for it. But just as I pushed the button I hit a strand of web. The eight legged bastard got a warning and ran. And hid behind the cupboards. Damn...
I have many strategies for what to do after a spider gets away alive and unharmed. This day, I chose to walk away and stay out of the kitchen hoping the spider would return to its web where I could clearly see it from the living room. He was that big. Sure enough, within a couple hours, he was back. Perched in his web as if nothing had happened.
I quietly got the bugzooka and positioned myself by the sink. This time I was determined to get the bastard. But again, I hit a strand of web and off he went into darkness. Damn damn damn!
I went on with my day.
I came back and there he was...perched in his web. Taunting me with his freedom. "You're going DOWN!" I screamed at him. I got the Bugzooka and walked to the sink. With my finger on the button I went in for the final time. No cautiousness. I couldn't risk him getting away again.
I saw it happen. I saw him leap from his web and land on the end of the death chamber. He seemed startled that he made it, hesitating only a moment before running up the barrel at me. This was no figment of my imagination. It really happened this time. After 25 years of only imagining it, my worst fear came to life. That spider was out to get me. So, I did what any rational person would.
I screamed bloody murder and threw the Bugzooka away from me. I ran screaming from the kitchen and didn't stop until I hit the front door with myself, screaming the whole way.
Then I realized I had just given the spider the chance to get away, again. So I crept back to the kitchen. I saw the spider trying to make his escape across the floor. He had only made it a few inches from the Bugzooka so I ran in and grabbed it, pumped it, and sucked him up before he could get into the shadows by the stove.
And that, my friends, is the story of how mentally preparing for something your entire life does not in fact make it any easier to handle in reality.

Things I'm tired of

People not using their blinkers, or using them incorrectly. Fun fact: Blinkers are supposed to be put on BEFORE you turn or get over. They're there to let OTHER drivers know your INTENTIONS.

Portland "Summer". Um, it's raining. I know, I know. It's the "Great Northwest" or whatever...but seriously. It's the middle of July and I kinda want to be like...warm. Of course, I'll regret this comment when summer hits and my house turns into a sauna. Which brings me to my next point...

My house.

My car. And it's missing window. And how that missing window seems to be an invitation to spiders. I killed 3 spiders INSIDE my car in a week...all WHILE I WAS DRIVING. Do you have any idea how hard that is for someone with arachnophobia? It's a miracle I haven't killed myself or anyone else during these terrifying times.

My hair. It's so boring. So up it goes. And up it will stay. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when you're pinned down because you've trapped yourself with your own hair? And the shedding! Good god...the shedding.

Construction. Seriously now...The other day I was forced through 2 detours in the first 10 minutes of driving. Now, I understand that construction must be done. I understand that those workers are just doing their jobs. But my entire parking lot for work is engulfed in construction. Half the road to my parking lot is actually closed. You know, the half I take to get to the damn place. I have to do a loopty loop to get there every time. And those workers...who are just doing their jobs...keep leaving their damn fence open. Like, in the lane of traffic. Where I have to drive to park. I can only turn one direction out of the parking lot now. Every day they take over more and more of my lot. And then when I'm done dealing with that I hit 48 more construction sites on my way to where ever it is I'm heading that day. I just keep telling myself it will end some time. I don't believe myself.

Being poor.

Most of all, I'm tired of not being my happy self. I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm not sure anyone actually cares. I'm not going to explain myself, because I don't have to. I'm used to being positive and happy and fun loving and lately I haven't been. I'm frustrated because I'm not sure how to get that happy back.

All of that said, I can't forget how lucky I am. I know I'm lucky to have a job. A job that sustains me enough to live on my own. Just barely. I'm lucky to have a home to live in. I'm lucky I have a car and I don't have to rely on public transportation, which I hate. I'm lucky to be alive. I am more than lucky to have such a big number of awesome friends that constantly look out for me and help me have the best times of my life.I really do love you guys. More than I could ever properly express. Without you guys...I really don't know where I would be right now. Hungry, that's for damn sure.

I am thankful for all that I have.

But sometimes...all of the negatives are just so heavy. They weigh everything else down. They weigh me down.