I've been dealing with change a lot lately. My grampy passed away a few months ago. That was a big change. A really hard change. That change came after me going from single to fully involved in a relationship. From me living in Portland to me living in Salem. From me being a child to me being an adult. This change rocked my entire world.
As a child I didn't have the big "regular" family I assumed everyone else had. It was me and my mom and, sometimes my Grampy, mom's dad, joined us. He was a staple in my childhood. He came around ever year. He sent presents or money for presents every birthday and holiday. He took us out to eat when he came to town. He made sure we had good holidays to remember. He taught me so much before I ever realized I was learning. He was the only father I ever really knew. In the years that I went from child to adult, he really cultivated who I became as a person even though I didn't realize it at the time. He nurtured my gifts and pushed me towards greatness I had never considered before. He made my life so much better than it would have been without him.
He was my mothers farther. Things changed a lot between the time he raised her and the time she raised me. He changed with those things. It didn't seem like much at first but he became more and more understanding of people in general. He changed his views. He grew. I watched this man, that I had known to be small minded and cruel, grow into a loving, caring human being in a very short span of time.
I have been dealing with a lot of guilt since his passing. Guilt that I wasn't there enough for him before he passed. Guilt that I didn't come around often enough to keep him hanging on longer. Guilt that I didn't take the time to really get to know him as a person beyond my own day to day life. I've been trying really hard to let that guilt go. Especially as a New Year has begun. But I can't deny that it's been really excruciating.
I want to be kind to myself every day. I want to love myself every day, to the core. But this is a pain nothing but time can heal. I know I've done nothing wrong, really. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with these feelings daily. Thinking of him wanting to simply connect with the family he had built over a lifetime... Thinking of him really doing the best he could with what knowledge he had at that time...I know that he wanted to, not just inspire good from the world, but to receive it as well...
I will say, as much as I hate dealing with this, I am so thankful that I had the great opportunity to be a part of this man's life, and for him to be a part of mine. I know, no matter what I feel, that he was truly proud of me and where I am going in life. I know that I am a better person for having him in my life. Grampy, I love you so much and I can't thank you enough for the wonderful life that you've given me. I miss you Grampy, more than words and emojis can ever express. I hope that you continue to watch over me and my family in the years that come.
I love you my grumpy Grampy.
