They should call em floories

There were a couple of birthday parties I had been looking forward to going to on Friday night. Apparently my body had other plans though, because I came home from work and the next thing I know I'm waking up on the couch realizing maybe it's a good night for me to stay in. Since when did I become such an old lady?
After way too many hours of much needed sleep, I got up totally refreshed Saturday morning. I had a couple of random errands to run through the day and Am's birthday party later at night. While I was getting ready for my day, S texted me to tell me she had a present for me. Say what? Now that, is an awesome friend. I needed a reason to force myself out of the house anyway, otherwise I might not have gotten anything accomplished, so I headed over to her place to see what she thought was so perfect for me.

When I pull up to her house she is already outside waiting for me. The first thing I see is a frog balloon. Even if that was all she had for me it would have been perfect and I would have loved it. But there was more! She handed me a rose, because every girl should get a rose for valentines day, she said. Aw cute. And then handed me the bag the balloon was tied to and waited for me to open it. It was like a frog filled treasure chest. A little plastic frog, a frog windsock, and the best part....2 wacky frog stuffed animals. Pose-able. Like, you can bend their legs and arms...and fingers. According to S, when she found them at the store their hands had been posed so they were flipping everyone off.
They are the weirdest looking things you guys. I can't even describe...Just know, the next time you come over to my house, they'll be there. There's a boy and a girl and they are currently flipping the bird around the house. Feel free to move them around and re pose them when you see them. I'll need to take a picture...
After I left S's house, I should have headed straight to Verizon to take care of my glitchtastic phone, but instead I went for a little drive. To nowhere in particular, just because I like to go for drives sometimes. And procrastinating.
Once I finally got my act together and accomplished some goals for the day, I headed back home to meet K for Am's birthday party. She arrived with a Fourloko in hand. It's cheaper to get buzzed before you get to the bar you know. And easy to do when you have a designated driver.
She doesn't finish the whole thing but it's clear she's feeling good, and since we are apparently the only people not yet at the party, we head to the bar. It's a bar we've never been to and not really the type of place I would search out on my own. For friends I love though, I don't mind at all. There is live music. I mean, live screaming. I really do like most music, and even this music had good beats and rhythm...but the words were just screamed and I didn't even know if there were real words in the sound. It was fun to watch other people rock out to it.
After we give Am her presents we all head to the bar. Soda for me, and drink drinks for everyone else. K stays at the happy buzzed point for a little while and we share a basket of fries. We admired Am's awesome birthday cake...a giant donut! Then we all headed outside for a smoke break. I still don't know why I always end up going outside with the nicotine peeps, but in this case, fresh air and quiet for my ears sounded like a good idea.
Back inside, K's starting to pass the just buzzed stage. As always at this point, she tries to convince her friends that she is not drunk and does not need water and in fact needs another drink. We disagree. I may have had to chase her. A couple of times. Through mud. Drunk people can run surprisingly fast in heels.
She may have disappeared for a few minutes. Before she ran off I heard her tell me she was going for a walk. She didn't make it far. Maybe 20 feet. To the side of the stage. Where she stayed while I frantically ran around (in heels mind you) outside trying to find her. I text her, and get no response. I stand outside with the current group of smokers from our party, and we contemplate where our K could have made it to. Suddenly, she makes contact.
Her reply to me asking where she is: Whtchin te bads u?
Say what now? We all try to decipher what she is trying to say. Watching the bands, right? When we figure that out she has made her way to the door and almost crashes into someone on her way out. She's got crazy drunk eyes and I for one, am glad she's getting some fresh air. We watch as now drunk K oh so gracefully stumbles out the door and finds a place to rest...on a car. She sure is wobbly. A starts talking and all of a sudden there is a cracking noise. Quit assuming it's the drunk girl. She's still using the car bumper to keep herself from falling over. A's skinny ass somehow broke the window she was leaning against. None of us can believe it. Just like that, K is back in the game. Cackling her drunk laugh and telling A she didn't really break the window. A makes her way over to K and helps her stand up straight. She's still pretty wobbly.
We all make our way back inside, K somehow sprinting in her heels in front of all of us, and K is determinded to get another drink. Am and I try to convince her that she needs water but before we can stop her she's working on her second long island. And then she's gone. I just had her, and I turn my back for a second and the woman disappears. Being a DD is basically babysitting uncoordinated adults. I ask W and A if they've seen her and I'm pointed to the bathrooms. Oh boy... W requests that I bring hula hoops to his housewarming party the following weekend. How can I say no to that?! Now, off to find my drunk.
I walk in expecting the worst, and am just in time to see Am coming out of the only stall in the bathroom and I can hear K saying something in drunk. Am hands wobbly K over to me and goes to get some water. K tries to wash and dry her hands but seems to be too drunk to remember how to use paper towels properly. Instead, she makes a paper mess all over. While flailing and yelling. She bounces from wall to stall to door to wall again. She seems to be having an issue controlling her own body. Once K figures out how to open the door Am is almost back with water for K. Which she tries to refuse to drink. She carries it back to the table with us and fights me like a 5 year old when I try to get her to take a drink. She says she'll drink, but not icky water, she'd rather have more of her long island. No K. Put the long island down!
She really did just take a fake drink of water to appease me didn't she? Now she's just being a brat.
She goes to take a drink of her long island and while I watch her she starts to fall asleep before her straw even reaches her mouth. Over and over again. She tried to drink and fell asleep before ever making contact with her straw. Now I'm starting to worry a little. I've seen the girl drunk but I have never seen her almost fall asleep while trying to get more drunk. She misses the straw, almost impaling her cheek and then almost drops the drink to the floor because she started to fall asleep while trying to set the cup on the table.
I ask her if she wants to sit in my car, since it's a popular place for her to catch some drunk z's when she needs to. She says yes so I tell the birthday girl and S what we're doing. S asks if I need help taking her to the car but I think I've got it. I'm wrong, and S helps carry K to my car. Her limbs don't seem to be working right and S really has to work to keep her from sliding right to the ground. K spills into the car and I thank S for the help. I tell him that we're not leaving, but we're just going to rest for a few minutes so K can regain some composure. I ask her how she's feeling and she looks at me with a huge smile and asks if we're still going to the beach.
She wants to go to the beach.
Sure, we can go to the beach. You'll be sober or asleep by the time we actually get there. I tell her we have to stop by the house so we can have flat shoes to run around in the sand and she dozes off in her fully reclined seat. I watch her head roll around as I turn corners and she starts mumbling in a language that could not possibly have been English while she dreams her drunk dreams. They're so peaceful when they sleep...
We make it to the house and I ask K if she wants to go inside for a bathroom break or to get some water or anything and suddenly she is wide awake. And tells me she doesn't feel good. Oh, so it's gonna be one of those nights huh?
I run ahead to get the door open so I can help her through it and she's already stumbling out of the car. Using the door to help her stay standing I can see her brain try to plot a course to the house and then she looked confused and then she was linebacker running at me. I was scared for my life for a second. Then I caught her and we were through the door. Which is when her body decided she wanted to sleep and she fell straight to the floor. For a minute she looks dead. Laying on the floor, face first, dress no longer at a lady like length, and showing off her bright pink undies in the classiest of ways. She starts moaning and her arms flies out to one side. Her hand smacks to the ground and rubs the carpet. She lifts her hand again and smacks it down a few inches to the left, rubbing the carpet again. I ask her what she needs and she mumbles about her phone.
I remember she tried to send a text in the car and dropped her phone under her seat so I go to the car to rescue it.
That's when I see the mud. All over my freshly cleaned car. I have to put her seat back up since she left if all the way down and grab her phone, deciding to think about the mud some other time.
I give K her phone and somehow she manages to wriggle up from laying on the floor to leaning against the side of the recliner. She calls K2 and tells him to come pick her up because she doesn't feel good. The conversation was a lot longer then that but those were the only words I could actually recognize. She is now leaning against the chair and my leg. I tried to walk away but she started to fall over so I stayed until she was done with the phone, let it drop to the floor, and then slid back to the floor, face first, again.
She starts moaning again and I ask if she needs anything. A bucket, or a garbage can, or something. She cries that she doesn't know what she needs. Ok, we're that drunk. Cool. I got this.
I go to the kitchen and look for a big bowl, or a bucket or something. The first thing I find is a plastic bag. She reaches for it and I go to look for something better. I hope that bag gives me enough time to grab the garbage can. It didn't. I can hear her start to throw up from the kitchen. Which is only like 8 steps away from her. I open the back door to let some air in and take a second to think. As I lean against the broken dryer, and wonder how I'm going to handle this I can hear her retching on my living room floor.
I've dealt with barfy situations before, and I know from experience that I can't handle much. Seeing barf...smelling it...worst of all, cleaning it up....Ugh. It all makes me want to throw up. I start to walk back to K and by now she has already missed the bag once and made a mess on my floor so I decide to just let her do what she needs to do and worry about cleaning it up later. I grab her hair away from her face and look at her face in the mirror she's laying in front of. For the next fifteen minutes, we have our conversation looking at each other through the mirror, because she can't lift herself enough to actually look at me. I didn't know one person could throw up so much. It really sounded like some intestines were going to fly out of her mouth any minute. Between heaves, she would start to fall asleep and almost face plant in her bag o barf. Thankfully, I had a good grip on her hair and could pull her up before disaster struck. She would look at me in the mirror and I kept telling her to keep her head up while she apologized to me. Reminds me slightly of the time this sort of thing happened with T...
The mess on the floor gets worse and all I can do is laugh. She finally seems to be emptied and starts to try to get up. She rolls around like a turtle on it's back, only, on her stomach, and I have to remind her about that bag o nasty she's holding before she spills it all over. Of course she spills it anyway. Ew. I grab her a paper towel and after she drunk wipes her face, she tries to drunk clean my carpet. Which spills more grossness. Oh lord... I almost throw up just thinking about cleaning all of that up. Instead I grab the bag and throw it in the trash. When I come back in the living room, her face is centimeters away from the mess on the floor and she is trying to wipe it up with the one napkin. Which is doing absolutely nothing.
I go into the kitchen to get cleaning supplies and I can hear her run into the recliner. She's calling K2 again asking him to come pick her up. He tells her that he'll be there soon, just like he told her the last time that she doesn't seem to remember. She starts to slide towards the coffee table, which would be bad if it met her face, so I pull her back up. Drunk people are heavy! She falls onto my leg and stays there until K2 hangs up. Then she slumps to the floor like a human puddle.
Within a few minutes K2 is there to rescue her. He comes in and we share a light laugh over the situation. He surveys things and starts to try to pick her up, but she's still all...puddly. I grab her purse, which she spilled while falling in the door, and anything else I can see that's hers and I open the doors for K2. He has to tell her to slow down. One step at a time. Calm down. As they make it through the front door he asks me if someone had slipped her something. I doubt it...I mean, we were with a bunch of our friends. No way. He spills her into the car and we say goodnight.
I head inside to clean, hoping I won't end up just making a worse mess. 12:30 on a Saturday and I'm scrubbing barf out of my carpet. Why does A's carpet cleaner have to be broken? Damn, damn, damn. I try to go all mind of matter on this messes ass, but it wins and I have to start cleaning without looking directly at it. I clean blindly until it feels less...slimy and I definitely almost throw up. Oh hey again french fires. Not so appealing anymore. Somehow I manage to push past it and in a little bit all 4 spots are cleaned, I've taken the garbage out and febreezed the house like crazy.
I can finally relax and not be worried about anything.
I was kind of looking forward to a midnight beach trip too. Oh well.
The next morning K comes back to get her keys and car that she left at my house. She tells me that she got sick again at home and had apparently slept on the bathroom floor for a few hours. She doesn't remember anything at all and apologizes again for the mess when she sees the spot on the carpet. Hey, it's clean, but you can definitely see where it was. She has never been black out drunk before and neither of us are really sure how she got that far. She didn't finish the Fourloko she brought over. She had one shot at the bar and one full long island and then a second long island which she didn't finish. I have definitely seen her drink much more than that with much less crazy results.
Later in the day she texts me to let me know that her mom actually heard about another girl that had a very similar night at a bar on 82nd that same night. She had been slipped something in her drink at the bar. Of course, K had to do some research and here's what she found.

What are the effects of rohypnol on the victim?*

• lower blood pressure
• sleepiness
• muscle relaxation or loss of muscle control
• visual disturbances
• loss of consciousness
• problems talking
• inability to remember what happened while drugged
• nausea

Definitely sounds like what she went through. Tired enough to fall asleep while trying to get a straw to her mouth. Enough loss of muscle control that 3 people had to help her make it through her night. She certainly lost consciousness a couple of times. She definitely had problems talking...and texting. She still can't remember anything that happened that night and she was sure as hell nauseous. And beyond.
Did someone really just randomly slip something into K's drink? We all think so. Why would someone do that? Because people are assholes. We're just all thankful that she is ok and was with people that were able to keep her safe and get her home ok. She should also be thankful she doesn't remember throwing up because it looked like a really painful experience so if she doesn't remember that part, it's probably for the best. 
That night definitely didn't go the way I had expected it to...but at least now we all have a good story to tell. Er...somethin.

*Info found here