How I spent the last day of 2015

This morning I participated in something that put some things into perspective for me. My amazing boss and her amazing son set up a couple of tables under the bridge our office is next to. The tables and boxes next to them were covered with coffee, breakfast, fruit, water, socks, hand warmers, hats, scarves and ponchos. Then, we spent the morning treating people with love and compassion.

It was cold this morning. Low to mid 30's when we were out there. As I walked from my car to the office, to drop off my things before heading down to our tables, I couldn't help but think about the people sleeping outside in this cold. I am cold and shivering on my 2 block walk to the office. I'm wearing 3 sweaters, a tee and a tank with a big winter jacket and scarf on top of it all and I'm still shivering. I can't even imagine trying to sleep when I feel so cold. I can't imagine feeling this way for more than a few minutes, maybe an hour if I'm choosing to be outside.

Our office is across from the mission. A place where the homeless can go for shelter. The ones that don't make it in for the night sleep on the streets around our building. We see them every day when we walk into the office and when we leave at night. We can see them from our windows. We see them being moved by the police in the mornings to keep the sidewalks clear for the daily commuters.

It's so hard for me to walk by these people every day feeling like there's nothing I can do to help them. I try to smile and say hello when I can make eye contact, because they're people just like you and me. They are people that have fallen on hard times and are in need of help. Every single one of them needs and deserves help, love, compassion and kindness.

Even though it meant waking up before 5am, I was excited to be a part of this. It felt like a great way to end this year. It was a way I could finally give back to these people that I see nearly every day of my life. I honestly had no idea how much of an impact it was going to make on me.

We spent a little over an hour under that bridge. There were 7 of us out there. We poured coffee for the people that came to us. We helped them pick out hats and scarves. We encouraged them to take more than just one fruit and pastry. We tried to round up as many people as we could to serve. We talked with them and offered hugs. I gave my own gloves to a woman after we had run out. I didn't think twice about it. I have more, and can easily get more should I need them. Her hands were so cold that they were bright red and she could barely hold her cane. She said they hurt they were so cold. I poured her a cup of coffee to help warm her a bit. As she turned to leave, she ran into an old friend who had just gotten coffee from us. They walked away catching up on the things they had missed since they last saw each other. For a moment, they were the same as home-having people. They were just two old friends that had run into each other in line for a morning coffee.

Every person that came through our little line was so thankful and sweet. Even the ones that were clearly high on who knows what. And yea, we helped them too. Because they're still people and who knows when they last ate or drank water or experienced any kind of compassion and kindness. They wished us a happy new year, said God bless as they walked away, and one man, J, helped us load up the tables when we were done and carry our leftovers across the street and up the stairs to the mission. He was eager to help us after we had helped him and his friends. In fact, he insisted I let him carry the box I was determined to walk with. I relinquished. We were going to leave the extras at the mission to be given out throughout the rest of the day.

I'm a more than just a little ashamed to admit that as I watched him walk ahead of me with the boxes of leftovers (He walked very fast and was much braver crossing the busy street than I was) I wondered if he might be walking so fast in order to make an escape with the leftovers for himself. Maybe that's why he had insisted on carrying my box. I reminded myself that I want to have faith in people and that I do believe most people are good people, and tried to let go of my worry. Of course, I needn't worry. He walked straight into the mission, proud to help others and deliver those boxes. I thanked him. He thanked me.

***

On our way to the bridge stairs we heard a literal cry for help.

"Help! Help, coffee please. I need coffee."

There was a man, laying in a sleeping bag nearby. He was reaching out to us with one arm, but didn't appear to be able to get up. He looked so sad. We had the coffee with us, but J had the coffee cups in his box and he was so quick, he was already up the stairs. I ran and caught J just before he got into the mission and snagged a fresh cup. The last of the coffee had made it up the stairs behind me and we poured the cup full with a splash of creamer. I ran down the stairs towards the man who desperately needed coffee. The rest of the crew, still upstairs delivering the things we had left.

I smiled and said "Good morning! I have a hot cup of coffee here for you!" reverting right back to my waitress self. He thanked me for the coffee as I kneeled down to hand it to him and before I could say anything he began to ask me if I could help him get on the list for a prosthetic leg. He pointed to his left knee as it raised up and it was clear there was nothing below it. I dropped down onto my legs, sitting next to him now instead of just kneeling and pulled out my phone. I told him I had never done anything like this but I would see if there was anything I could to to help him. I made notes as he gave me his name and birthdate and told me he has Oregon Health Plan. He thanked me again and when I looked in his eyes I saw real relief. I don't know if it's because he thinks I can help, or if it's because someone listened to him when he yelled for help, or if it's just because he got a warm cup of coffee.

I don't know if I can help him or not. But maybe I can find someone that can. Maybe I can find some information for him that he can't find when he's sleeping on the streets. Maybe, until I find anything, I can take him a hot cup of coffee once in a while and get to know him a little better, as a person.

***

These people spend their lives outside. In the cold, in the rain, in the heat. And instead of love and compassion, they get rejection and insensitivity. Now, I know that I'm an overly sensitive person by most people's standards, but this...this tugs at my heartstrings like no other. It should, and it should tug at yours too. These are human beings. They are someones daughter, someones son, someones aunt, someones friend, someones sister or brother, someones father or mother. There are entire families living on the streets. How easily could it be someone we know? How can we continue to pretend they don't exist or that it's not our problem? What if it were you? Would you want someone to care? There is absolutely no need for so many people to go without housing, or at the bare minimum some kind of shelter.

I don't know what I can do to change things. What I do know is I can offer the people I encounter in my life love, kindness, and compassion.

So, on the last day of 2015, I am taking time to reflect on my life and the things I have perceived as problems or hardships. That's not to imply I haven't had real problems or hardships, rather, that I can change my life. Things are not as bad as they could be. In fact, I'm downright blessed with an amazingly abundant life. I have so many amazing friends, a loving mother, my grampys truck, a great job, and I live in a warm home that I love spending time in, with my little family.

In 2016 I plan to show the people I encounter in my life, including myself, love, kindness and compassion. I encourage you to do the same.


Oh, and if anyone knows where I can find my new friend a prosthetic leg, let me know!

Back From the Dead

It has been two and a half years since the last post I made here. Obviously everything has changed. I was going to just put up a new post and not mention my absence, but then I read my last post and felt like I needed to address some of the changes that have happened since then. I'll keep it short.

I made the choice to try alcohol for the first time in my life late in the year 2012. I was 26. After my moms brother passed away...and then her dog, my childhood dog. It was a loss I didn't take well. Thanks K and A for your presence and support in my time of need.

I moved to Florida early in January of 2013. I have so many stories I can share but for now just a brief synopsis. J flew up and we drove to Florida together. It was a whirlwind of a road trip.  We ate a lot of great food, saw gorgeous sunsets and slept minimally. We drove for 18 hours straight (minus the stops for gas and dog walking) more than one day and slept in the car a time or two. We bonded and explored and talked non stop the whole time.

I burned through what little savings I had quickly once I was in Florida. I held the worst job I've ever had for a day and a half before quitting and finally ended up doing exactly what I had hoped to do in Florida - I was a waitress. This job was perfect for a number of reasons. My shifts started around 4pm so I was able to sleep in and when I woke up I could go to the gym for a couple of hours. I ended up getting into TRX and back into yoga at the gym and was starting to get into great shape. I lost 30 pounds and I felt strong. My shifts at work were short so I could still go out afterward. I made enough money to cover my bills, groceries and gas. My goal was never to go there and make a lot of money. My goal was to go and enjoy life. My work schedule allowed for exactly that. I made friends and went out most weekends. Now that I was a drinker, going out was totally different and I admit, I got a little wild. You would too if they gave you a solo cup with your $5 cover to get free refills with all night.

In general, I had a blast. Over time however, the living arrangement J and I had started to wear on us, both individually and our friendship. We were cramped into a house with my dog and her son. Being away from home started to be really difficult from me. I had a weekly ritual of writing letters to friends back home and that helped, but Florida is very different from my home town of Portland. It's much more conservative for one thing. I had trouble feeling like I could really be myself. I let the negatives take over my mind and started to feel that familiar wave of depressive thoughts come over me. Ultimately I needed to be back home. My mom offered to pay my way back with the caveat that she would take the train down to Florida and we would drive back to Oregon together.

My road trip home was very different from the one down to Florida with J. Before we started the journey home, we went up to North Carolina to visit my brother and his family. We don't get to see them often, and it was nice to spend time with my actual family instead of a family I've adopted as my own. It wasn't a straight shot home from there either. I had to make sure we went to The Shed in Mississippi. My mom loves bbq and this is some of the best I've ever had. I wasn't going to miss a chance to go there again before going back home. I drove the entire way. My mom was ready to pitch in but she has arthritis and hasn't driven in many years. Also she's a very skittish passenger and the thought of her driving honestly scared me a little (sorry mom). She looked like an excited kid when she stood outside the car after one of our gas/dog walking stops and told me she was ready for her turn with a big smile on her face. I felt a little bad saying no but I wanted to keep going. I drove long hours but not as long as with J. My mom needed more rest time than us youngins. She put us up in hotels along the way and helped me buy souvenirs and gifts all over the place. We ate good food and survived crazy thunderstorms. We went to NOLA and the Grand Canyon. It was fun to experience a trip like that with my mom. As fun as it was, I was on a mission to get home so I pushed it. My poor mom wanted to extend the trip. She wanted to stay more places and take our time moseying on home. I couldn't do it. I had to get home. (Thank you for bringing me home mom. I really appreciate it.)

It felt great to be home. J and I were still distant in our friendship (we're fine now by the way and I think better for it) and I was living with A so I was in another cramped position. I felt like a bit of a burden. I ended up getting a job at Nordstrom. I made enough money to take care of things but still not enough to get ahead. It was exciting to be in an environment that centered around fashion but I felt a little out of place. The sales floor was cut-throat and as it turns out, I'm not much of a salesperson, despite my decent numbers. I won't get into details but some of the things that I saw within the company made me want to leave. I quit in May of 2014.

That same month I started seeing my ex again. We've known each other for 8 years now. We've casually dated over the years and tried a serious relationship a couple of times. I was always so sure he wasn't the one for me. I didn't treat him well because of that, but he never stopped pursuing me. I pushed him away but found myself constantly coming back to him. One night I had been stood up by a friend of a friend of a friend, and I thought to myself "you know who you always have fun with?" so I got in touch with him. We met up at a bar downtown and...well I moved in within a couple of months and we've been serious for over a year now. I was a fool but I know we both needed the time apart to grow up, to learn about ourselves and to live life. He knew from the beginning and I hate that it took me so long to see it but that's the way it had to go. I've never been happier. He makes me a better person, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel good about myself (despite the fact that I've gained all the weight I lost in Florida back, plus some....ok plus a lot...) and he makes me excited about the future. He is my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life.

Six months ago I landed a job as an office manager at a machine shop. It feels good to be in an office again, but the environment is very different from the office I grew up in, and left behind for good when I moved to Florida. The previous management left behind a HUGE mess, but it made me feel like a rock star cleaning it all up. I've gotten 2 raises in the little time I've been here and have learned a lot.

I'm happy with life. I am still dealing with weight issues. I still struggle with my depression, though it's thankfully not as bad as it has been in the past. I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Most of all, I'm still having fun. Now that I've got you all caught up on the basics, I can get back to writing about the fun I'm having!

But first...I want to say thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for making me who I am. Thank you for making my life what it is. Thank you for pushing me, for hurting me, for comforting me, neglecting me, uplifting and encouraging me. I wouldn't be where I am without all the good and all the bad. As I begin my 29th year of living, I can honestly say that I have never been happier and I am so excited to see where my life takes me.

So much for keeping this short....