Back From the Dead

It has been two and a half years since the last post I made here. Obviously everything has changed. I was going to just put up a new post and not mention my absence, but then I read my last post and felt like I needed to address some of the changes that have happened since then. I'll keep it short.

I made the choice to try alcohol for the first time in my life late in the year 2012. I was 26. After my moms brother passed away...and then her dog, my childhood dog. It was a loss I didn't take well. Thanks K and A for your presence and support in my time of need.

I moved to Florida early in January of 2013. I have so many stories I can share but for now just a brief synopsis. J flew up and we drove to Florida together. It was a whirlwind of a road trip.  We ate a lot of great food, saw gorgeous sunsets and slept minimally. We drove for 18 hours straight (minus the stops for gas and dog walking) more than one day and slept in the car a time or two. We bonded and explored and talked non stop the whole time.

I burned through what little savings I had quickly once I was in Florida. I held the worst job I've ever had for a day and a half before quitting and finally ended up doing exactly what I had hoped to do in Florida - I was a waitress. This job was perfect for a number of reasons. My shifts started around 4pm so I was able to sleep in and when I woke up I could go to the gym for a couple of hours. I ended up getting into TRX and back into yoga at the gym and was starting to get into great shape. I lost 30 pounds and I felt strong. My shifts at work were short so I could still go out afterward. I made enough money to cover my bills, groceries and gas. My goal was never to go there and make a lot of money. My goal was to go and enjoy life. My work schedule allowed for exactly that. I made friends and went out most weekends. Now that I was a drinker, going out was totally different and I admit, I got a little wild. You would too if they gave you a solo cup with your $5 cover to get free refills with all night.

In general, I had a blast. Over time however, the living arrangement J and I had started to wear on us, both individually and our friendship. We were cramped into a house with my dog and her son. Being away from home started to be really difficult from me. I had a weekly ritual of writing letters to friends back home and that helped, but Florida is very different from my home town of Portland. It's much more conservative for one thing. I had trouble feeling like I could really be myself. I let the negatives take over my mind and started to feel that familiar wave of depressive thoughts come over me. Ultimately I needed to be back home. My mom offered to pay my way back with the caveat that she would take the train down to Florida and we would drive back to Oregon together.

My road trip home was very different from the one down to Florida with J. Before we started the journey home, we went up to North Carolina to visit my brother and his family. We don't get to see them often, and it was nice to spend time with my actual family instead of a family I've adopted as my own. It wasn't a straight shot home from there either. I had to make sure we went to The Shed in Mississippi. My mom loves bbq and this is some of the best I've ever had. I wasn't going to miss a chance to go there again before going back home. I drove the entire way. My mom was ready to pitch in but she has arthritis and hasn't driven in many years. Also she's a very skittish passenger and the thought of her driving honestly scared me a little (sorry mom). She looked like an excited kid when she stood outside the car after one of our gas/dog walking stops and told me she was ready for her turn with a big smile on her face. I felt a little bad saying no but I wanted to keep going. I drove long hours but not as long as with J. My mom needed more rest time than us youngins. She put us up in hotels along the way and helped me buy souvenirs and gifts all over the place. We ate good food and survived crazy thunderstorms. We went to NOLA and the Grand Canyon. It was fun to experience a trip like that with my mom. As fun as it was, I was on a mission to get home so I pushed it. My poor mom wanted to extend the trip. She wanted to stay more places and take our time moseying on home. I couldn't do it. I had to get home. (Thank you for bringing me home mom. I really appreciate it.)

It felt great to be home. J and I were still distant in our friendship (we're fine now by the way and I think better for it) and I was living with A so I was in another cramped position. I felt like a bit of a burden. I ended up getting a job at Nordstrom. I made enough money to take care of things but still not enough to get ahead. It was exciting to be in an environment that centered around fashion but I felt a little out of place. The sales floor was cut-throat and as it turns out, I'm not much of a salesperson, despite my decent numbers. I won't get into details but some of the things that I saw within the company made me want to leave. I quit in May of 2014.

That same month I started seeing my ex again. We've known each other for 8 years now. We've casually dated over the years and tried a serious relationship a couple of times. I was always so sure he wasn't the one for me. I didn't treat him well because of that, but he never stopped pursuing me. I pushed him away but found myself constantly coming back to him. One night I had been stood up by a friend of a friend of a friend, and I thought to myself "you know who you always have fun with?" so I got in touch with him. We met up at a bar downtown and...well I moved in within a couple of months and we've been serious for over a year now. I was a fool but I know we both needed the time apart to grow up, to learn about ourselves and to live life. He knew from the beginning and I hate that it took me so long to see it but that's the way it had to go. I've never been happier. He makes me a better person, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel good about myself (despite the fact that I've gained all the weight I lost in Florida back, plus some....ok plus a lot...) and he makes me excited about the future. He is my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life.

Six months ago I landed a job as an office manager at a machine shop. It feels good to be in an office again, but the environment is very different from the office I grew up in, and left behind for good when I moved to Florida. The previous management left behind a HUGE mess, but it made me feel like a rock star cleaning it all up. I've gotten 2 raises in the little time I've been here and have learned a lot.

I'm happy with life. I am still dealing with weight issues. I still struggle with my depression, though it's thankfully not as bad as it has been in the past. I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Most of all, I'm still having fun. Now that I've got you all caught up on the basics, I can get back to writing about the fun I'm having!

But first...I want to say thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for making me who I am. Thank you for making my life what it is. Thank you for pushing me, for hurting me, for comforting me, neglecting me, uplifting and encouraging me. I wouldn't be where I am without all the good and all the bad. As I begin my 29th year of living, I can honestly say that I have never been happier and I am so excited to see where my life takes me.

So much for keeping this short....