Saturday birthday madness

Did you know that everyone and their niece's birthday is in August? Well, it's true.

I slept in, like I always do on the weekends. And let's face it, if anyone needs to sleep in it's this chick. And C. But she has sleep issues and can't sleep in. Maybe if she was in a bed and not a couch....just a thought. I slept until 1. It was amazing. I love my heaven bed and my dark room. Perfect for sleeping.
First up for the day, we're going to C's niece's birthday party....in Beaverton. Why do I hate that place so much? Probably because I'm never really out there. I try to get a hold of B so I can get the address because I don't want to get lost out there but she doesn't answer her texts, or calls apparently. Of course the address isn't on the invite because that would just be silly. Too late now. Time to leave. Party starts at 3 and getting out to BFE takes some time. So without directions, we take off. C is fairly certain if I can get to TV Highway we will have no problem because she remembers how to get there from that point. Well...Shouldn't be too hard.
We took the wrong exit but it actually ended up working out and we didn't have to turn around or anything. Awesome! We made it. We go up to B's apartment, whos door is standing wide open. We walk in and no one is in there, but we can hear them all out back and see them through the window so we head back downstairs. On the stairs...creepy neighbor man peeks his head out the window and asks if we're looking for B and tells us where we can find her. Thanks helpful creeper, but we got it.
Walk around back and BLAMO! There are kids everywhere. We say hi to B and settle in. There are at least 6 kids out here...That table over there is empty and not surrounded by kids so that's where I want to sit, naturally. We are both starving so we were hoping that the food would be done by the time we got there but no such luck. We contemplate eating plain buns...
More people show up, with more children. There are so many of them! The birthday girl (2 years old today) is late. I felt a little weird sitting at a table far away from everyone else...I feel like they think I'm snotty. I'm not. I just don't know any of them and I don't like kids. Birthday girl makes it to the party and B puts on her birthday tiara and sash, Dora the Explorer style. C loves this girl so she plays with her and since we're sitting together shes right there in front of my face. She did that thing where she looked into my soul again. Decided she was better off playing with the other 11 kids (that's a real number people! There were 12 effing kids there! That's total overload for me.) Then I hear crying. Yep, that's what little ones do. Took longer than I would have expected for the crying to start. I decide to make a game of it. I start a crying count. And then a pout count because one girl likes to pout. She is now The Pouter.
The kids run, and play, and fight, and play, and fight, and cry, and play, and run. Fun...
Up to this point it has just been the children, their mothers and C and I outside. Then some of the husbands/boyfriends/whatever they are came out. And drinks began to get made, and drank. The guys started the bbq (yay! food!) and I just watched. The flames are mega tall in the bbq...the briquettes have only been lit for a few minutes...but that's apparently enough to put the chicken on to cook.
Are you serious fellas? Yep, they are. Heaps of chicken are now on the que-er. I can see them burning from here. I'm definitely not having chicken. I'll just keep munching on these chips over here in my safe zone. And this potato salad. This stuff is deliciousness. The first batch of deadly chicken comes off the grill (after only cooking for like 10 minutes. I mean...it is chicken guys. Chicken isn't one of those things you can eat medium rare and be ok.). B, C and I (it's like a wacky alphabet game with these names) go to check it out. B yells at the boys to re cook this chicken. She pulls apart a piece to check it's cookedness. It's undercookedness. It's still totally rubbery. And disgusting. I don't care if they do put it back on the grill. I am so not eating that. No salmonella for me! I'll just wait for the burgers to cook.
Looks like hot dogs are up next. B tells us to stop being anti-social (ok, maybe she didn't say anything like that) and we move to the table full of moms. We are seriously the only people there without kids.
Thanks to the conversations I forget about waiting for food and just hang out. Then a giant BOWL of hot dogs is on the food table. A heaping bowl of hot dogs. Whatever. I'm hungry. Oh cool...they're all burnt. It's cool, you can peel the burn off. Bun, ketchup, hot dog. Eat. Not bad.
I'm still waiting for a burger. Sounds so good. Oh....they're putting the bbq away. So...all those burgers....are...for no one? It's all good. I seriously filled up on potato salad anyway....nummy nummy potato salad.
B's daughter wanted some chicken. It's definitely cooked all the way now so she gets a drumstick. And she continues to play with the kids. With a drum stick in her hand. That kid is awesome. She ends up leaving the now meatless drumstick on a chair after running around with it for about a million years. Or 20 minutes. Whatever.
More than a few times kids would disappear around the corner of the apartments...and someone would have to go catch the runaway. I tried to tell them one of the babies was escaping but I didn't know whos baby it was, or what her name was and no one seemed to hear me say "the baby's getting away" and when she disappeared around the corner I had to run after her because I didn't want her to get too far or something. I ran and I heard C tell me the baby probably wasn't getting anywhere fast and now that she mentioned it she was right. That baby obviously still didn't know how to work her legs properly. When I made it around the building she was just standing (well wobbling really) near a bush off the sidewalk. I snatched her up and starting walking back the other way. Those things sure are squirmy.
I had to chase that same one again and then the birthday girl too. Birthday girl thought it was funny and we were playing a game so she tried to get away a lot and giggled a lot too. Funny, kid.
At some point in the afternoon one girl decided I was a-ok and started to tell me her life story. About the time she bit her lip real bad, about something else and then about something else. I tried to hold a conversation. But I'm just not good at relating to children. Kind of ironic since I am a kid and play with hula hoops, bubbles and glow sticks on a regular basis.
Now it's time for the pinatas (imagine a squiggly over that word mmk?). No, I will not be hitting the pinata. Especially if B keeps her camera out. I have enough terrible pictures of me and pinatas ok? We're sitting and talking while the guys and B start getting the pinatas ready.
I see B go inside. I see B come back with bags of candy. I assume she is going to fill the pinatas....more conversation. I see children playing with the pinatas. There is no adult....hmmmm this could be bad. There's some yelling and then some shouting and then we find out B told them to help fill the pinatas while she looked for something to hang them up with. They're not stealing candy. They're being helpful. Do kids do that now a days? Now I see the boys walk around the corner....with tow straps...to hang the pinatas? Ooook then. Now I see the guys trying to throw the tow straps into a tree to hang up the pinatas. These guys are just not very coordinated. After more than a few tries there are now 2 tow straps in the tree. Im not really sure how they're going to hang anything from them...but whatever. I guess they're not sure either because they walk away without hanging anything.
Someone comes around the corner and informs the rest of us that there is some drama going down in the front. Apparently some neighbor assholes called the manager on B and the whole party. He says we're not allowed to drink here. Uhhh say what now? The neighbors that called the manager, are the same neighbors that helped B make the margaritas and daiquiris. He's screaming and cursing in front of the kids. Someone goes and rounds up the kids and brings them into the back.They play some more. B comes back and clearly she's been crying. Where's that manager? Imma punch him in his jugular...Just kidding. It's time for cake! There is a sheet cake (with Dora of course) and a small super purple personal cake (with Dora) just for the birthday girl. The kids all surround the table with the cakes (naturally). They take birthday girls cute little white shirt off so she doesn't get it dirty. Smart...kids are kinda messy. She stands on a chair in front of the cakes and we all sing her happy birthday. The guy holding her....and the purple cake....starts to try and push her face into the cake. She resists. Smart girl. He brings the cake up to her face since he can't get her face to the cake. And now her face is totally purple and she's crying. He's laughing and complaining about getting frosting on his ear and shirt. That's what you get for turning her purple. So, ha! She has frosting in her eye. In her eye. Her eye people! Someone help a sista out! Napkins...we need napkins...I find napkins and hand them off. They wipe the frosting out of her eye...but leave the rest. How nice.... C takes a picture of her and she looks super confused when she sees the picture. She knows that her face shouldn't be so purple and streaky. She points to her face in the picture and says "mess". Um that's cute. Finally, after 10 minutes of being Barney-tastic the moms finally work together and find some wet wipes and wipe her face off. Good thing she probably won't remember that trauma.
We can't stay for pinata fun or cake. (By the way, the crying count is 12, not counting adults, and I caught the pouter pouting 3 times.) We have to go get ready for L's bday back in Portland. C washes her hair and I put heels on. L is wearing heels and that's all the excuse I need to put some on. Yay heels! We head out to pick up L and her cousin. We head to a bar we've never been to before and we're not exactly sure where it is but we find it just fine. It's pretty awesome. Big, lots of seating. Pool tables, ping pong tables, shuffle board. We take a booth and the waiter eventually comes over to take out order. L is an alcohol snob so she asks if they have this certain vodka.
Nope.
Ok well about this kind?
Nope.
Awesome... So what about this stuff?
Nope.
Ok surprise me with something fruity then. (I get a water and a burger because I'm still craving one from earlier).
He walks away and L puts her glasses on and starts to look at the bottles they have up at the bar. She sees the first kind of vodka she asked for. Then the second one. Now she's mad. Uh oh...watch out. She didn't get the name "mean one" for nothing! (ok, well kind of but that's a different story) She comes back and he will forever be the waiter that knows nothing. She's so sweet.
We have to move because more people are coming. We start to head towards an area of couches that is just opening up. ooh cushy! Nope. L wants to sit at this other long booth because it will fit more people. Fine, fine. She's right. We totally need this booth. It fills up fast. Shots get taken. I eat my burger. M gets some cheesy fries. Time to move on to a different bar. Damn...there are a lot of cute guys here too. Oh well. This place is too spendy and it would be cheaper for everyone to get drunk at the bar close to L's house. We all meet up at the second bar. We sit outside. Just kidding...we move inside. We take over an entire corner of the bar. A guy walks in that apparently knows L and he starts singing her happy birthday. Later he brings her a drink, which from the look on everyone's face when they tried it, was disgusting. L still drank it. Free alcohol! She didn't finish it though, her cousin did. More people come. We all have fun. Play a little musical chairs. Things start to break up around midnight. C and I head home, but not to sleep. It's time for a bonfire! Stoked!
I put pants on (no, I wasn't running around naked. I wore a dress so quit being silly) and we put shoes on (ew) and drove off to meet Big J. Of course his directions are the most vague things ever in history and I have no idea where I'm supposed to be going.
Go to the top of the hill in Oregon City.
Like...by the hospital?
No.
Ok...
Take the exit after the high rocks one.
I don't know which exit that is. I've never driven there. So I guess and take this exit. Hope it's right. Drive drive drive....
Meet at the 76 station.
Uh...that one? Ok...No sign of the Jeep. We must have beat him here. Oh...now we're meeting at some store I've never heard of. Yes, please let's talk on the phone instead of texting. That's a much better idea. Just keep driving...ok.
Drive drive drive. Bam! Store I've never heard of. Sweet! We pull in the same time as Big J. Leave my car and head to boy C's house to get H and not so big J. And guns...why do we need those? Where are we going?
Goat mountain?! I could have sworn Big J said he wasn't ever going back there at night. It's only been like a day. Why are we going back? Oh, we're not going to the same spot. It's a big mountain. We are going to the other side of it. Alright....
Pit stop at the gas station for drinks and snacks. C and I stay in the car. I hear some mumbling...I think someone is yelling. I look and there's a guy at the picnic bench by the road and he seems to be taking his shirt off. It's the middle of the night. Wtf? He's yelling. And flailing around. The boys come out and they're laughing really hard because they can hear what the crazy guy is saying. Big J comes and opens my door so I can hear it too. We're all quiet and we listen.
"I'm part Sasquatch even though I'm only 5' 4""
Flail flail scream scream nonsense nonsense. Fun fella.
Boys get in the car and they tell us crazy guy was saying something about "my brown eyes will get you home through the stars in my spaceship". Well okie dokie then. Fun. Of course we take the long way out of the gas station so we can pass him and listen some more. As we pass I see him taking a shoe off. Only one though. We discuss the possibility of popping some popcorn and hanging out across the street just watching Sasquatch spaceship man. Maybe another day. Right now it's time for....FIYAH!
Drive drive drive. Up, around, down, over, rocky, trees, STOP! That's a steep ass hill! You wanna check it out on foot? Well I am definitely not staying in the car if all the boys are leaving. That doesn't make me feel safe. The boys take the lead and I take a few steps and find some loose gravel with my foot and slip a little. Time for me to go back up the hill. I'll just stay in the car. The boys disappear from sight....and come back a few minutes later. As they get in the car I hear Big J say "that was just really weird". What was weird? I don't really want to know, so I don't ask this time.
Drive drive drive. Up, around, over, bumpy up, bumpy down, barrier, turn around, up, down, around....hey this looks kind of familiar...why does this look familiar? Ah crap. This is the clearing where Big J saw the guy in the trees. Why are we here? At least this time there are 2 cars and 3 boys and more guns...We roll down the windows and talk to not so big J through the open windows. H is feeling nauseous. We should find a place to have a fire now. Radar detectors start going off again. Can we go now?
Yes. Good.
Drive drive drive. Up, around, look for pond, can't get to it through the barrier, turn around, drive drive drive. Finally, found a spot. Time for fire! Yesssssss. H stays in the car until the fire gets built, but from what I hear she heard footsteps outside her Jeep when we were all exploring that steep hill. She couldn't see any of us and there were footsteps outside the Jeep. Scary! There is a lot of wood here for burning. Fire starts blazing (with help from a flare) and thank god because without the fire it is super mega dark out here and these woods are creepy and I can hear sounds and did I mention I'm scared of the dark because I totally am (see? I'm a child in more than one way).
Not so big J goes to wake up H but instead comes back with sunflower seeds and marshmallows. H still wants to sleep so we hang out by the fire spitting out shells and roasting mallows. Nummy. Now the boys want to play...with axes. Men are silly. C stays by the fire to stay warm. I follow the boys with a flashlight because I like light. Choppy choppy! I can't lie....I am always ok with men being manly and they were all being pretty manly. Double nummy.
Now that it's starting to get light out it's probably time to head home. Poor H never felt good enough to get out of the Jeep. I wonder if the fresh air would have helped... Drive drive drive. Much easier to get out than it was to find the bonfire place. Drop off boy C, get dropped off at my car, go home and sleep. Ahhhh sleep.

This is the second time I wrote this. I had it all finished and then my computer crashed and I lost all of it. I was pissed. Not cool computer. Not cool.