Strange day

So far today has been...interesting....

I ran out to my car, thinking I was running late to work (as I always think, and as always, I was a few minutes early) and realized it was not summer any more and would need a jacket. So, in my flat shoes, I ran back through the garage to go inside for a coat. Only, 2 steps in and suddenly my right foot was sliding off to the side and the ground was rushing up to meet my face. I heard myself let out a strange yelp and then a loud slap as my right hand crashed hard onto the concrete floor. For a moment, I just laid there. Wondering if the pain was bad enough to warrant a few tears or if I could get up and go about my business. I chose to get up. That's when the pain really made itself noticed. My hip was throbbing, my hand was swelling rapidly, both of my knees were stinging and my arm was tingling. I took a step forward and wobbled a bit and then told myself I was fine and went inside for a jacket.
As I walked back to my car I realized how warm the palm of my hand was. It was bright red. I checked out my knees once I was in the car. They were stinging because I had skinned them...and yet, my tights had no holes. Layers of skin came off my legs, and yet my tights were fine...I took that as a good sign.
I headed to work trying to avoid using my throbbing right hand.
As I merged onto the freeway, a semi-truck came up on my right. When I glanced over the driver was frantically waving at me. I laughed and waved back. Someone was having a good morning.
I drove about a mile and the semi caught back up to me. Again, he was waving. I laughed again but deliberately changed my speed to make sure I wasn't next to him for long.
Thanks to traffic, he caught up again. This time he was yelling something. Not only could I see him leaning out of his window and yelling, but I could kind of hear him through the still broken back passenger window. I couldn't make out what he was saying. This time I slowed my pace to try to stay behind him. He slowed down too...and paced me for about a mile before traffic let up enough for me to punch it and get the hell up outta there.
What the heck? There must have been something hanging out of the trunk, right? I mean, I had just put a load of laundry in the trunk to take care of after work...maybe something got caught? Maybe something was hanging out of one of the doors? Could I possibly be one of the morons that drives around with a flat tire without even knowing? When I got to work and parked, I walked around my car...nothing. Nothing at all that I could possibly connect to someone trying to flag me down. I don't even have one bumper sticker on that bitch.
Even though I had packed heels along to wear for the day, I decided to keep my flats on since my knees were still kinda in pain. And now my hip was really starting to complain.
Let's not forget that Occupy Portland is going on today. Literally in front of my building. We could watch the gathering form along the waterfront. Some of my coworkers went down to join in the march.
Why mention this? To go along with my already interesting day, when I went to get some lunch I met a guy who was part of the rally. He had a paper plate attached to the back of his hat that said something like "clones for peace". He introduced me to his dog. These are the men I meet, people.
One more fun fact: My tights didn't rip when layers of skin attached themselves to my garage floor, but when I pulled my tights up after going pee, an instant hole formed. And no, it wasn't on the knee. What the hell?!

Here's hoping this day continues in this fashion, only with less pain. And just so we're clear, I'm not looking for pity. I'm not wallowing in pain. In fact, when I picture myself falling, I laugh. Go ahead, picture it. Girl in business attire, runs into her garage, all light on her feet, and then suddenly her leg whips out from under her and she's on her face. That's funny. Maybe it wasn't funny at that moment...but it's definitely funny now.
All wobbly. Slip, smack! That's how that went. I'll re-enact it for you sometime.

It's Britney Bitch!

I saw a Groupon deal one day a few months ago for Britney Spears concert tickets. For only $60 I could get 2 tickets. I shouldn't really be spending my money on things that I don't need, but when I saw Nicki Minaj was part of the tour too, I just couldn't resist. It was only $60, and how many opportunities would I really get to see THE Britney Spears live in concert? Probably plenty, but you never know! I got 2 tickets.

Click through to read all about it! There are pics and a beautiful love story.

Even Small Families: An explanation

I realize that I've been quiet lately. It's not because thing's aren't happening. It's because too much has been happening. I've been dealing with a good old fashioned quarter life crisis. It's been rough you guys. Really rough. I didn't feel like myself. At all. I mentioned it a time or 2 but didn't go into detail because, if we're being honest, I was kind of ashamed. I felt like I didn't have control and things weren't going the way I wanted and I felt like I was failing at life. What made it even harder was my inability to let myself actually feel what I was feeling. Every time I thought about something like being stuck in my house or my car leaking something or my need for food, I reminded myself that it could be worse. I gave myself examples of situations that would be way worse and told myself despite the bad things, I have a really great life. I thought that was the way to keep me grateful and keep me positive. I didn't really realize, until right now, writing this, that I was keeping myself stuck by never allowing myself to see the negatives objectively and figure out how to make them into a positive. 
At the same time that I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life and how to feel like I'm doing something, anything, I was still doing the things I normally would. Still had to go to work 40 hours a week. And while there I had to deal with getting us prepared for an audit. Can I just say, trying to get 12 people all on the same page can be difficult sometimes? I still spent time with my friends after work. I was hosting craft nights so we could help lil K get her wedding stuff taken care of. I spent time deep cleaning and organizing my house to get it ready for L's bday party. Why I thought a bunch of drunk people would really care about the cleanliness of my house, I don't know. On top of all that, the big stress was family related.
I always say I have a small family because I feel like I do...but really, that's not true. I have quite a large family, but we're not actually close. When I think of "family" I think of my mom and her dad, my grampy. Of course I've got my aunt and uncle and slew of cousins who live on the coast. But we only see each other a few times a year (I'm hoping to change that soon!) and we're not technically related. We just grew up as a family. There's my dad and step family who live 4 hours north of here. Though I love my dad, we've never had a very close relationship. I grew up with mom, and my brother grew up with dad. Dad remarried and my step mom already had 3 sons. Together they had my half sister A. That's the family my brother knows. I haven't even met all of them. I've only seen my sister a few times and she's a teenager. The only point I'm trying to make is that they weren't a strong fixture in my life, and while I do technically have a normal size family, my close family is actually small.
So when grampys health started to decline, it hit close. He's been in and out of the hospital for years but all of a sudden they were talking about heart surgery and 50% success rates and things got blurry for all of us. My mom and I used to see him every weekend and then he stopped wanting our help so much and we stopped seeing him as often. He had his caretaker, B, to help him out. And then the crazy old man ran away.
There's more to it. It was crazy. I cried a lot. We all hurt a lot. But then he came back. To have heart surgery. And we were all scared again. While he was in the hospital and recovering at the home he's now at, mom and I traded off watching his dog, Burrito. One day, Burrito died. I hate to say it, but I'm really glad I wasn't the one on dog duty that day. I don't know if I could have handled it. So now we had to tell this poor old frail man that his best friend in the whole world was dead and he didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
The most heart wrenching moment of my life was when mom told him the news. I don't think it helped much that she told him directly after letting him know that we were still hurt by the way things had gone down when he ran away. I don't think she knew at the time, or maybe even until now, but I had gone to see grampy on my own without her before that. He apologized for everything. He got emotional. I know everyone has a soft spot for men crying and older men crying makes it worse. But damn, when it's your own grampy...Phew. Hard to handle. He held my hand and said what he needed to say and I wanted to just let everything go, in spite of still feeling hurt by his actions. He knew he hurt us and did things the wrong way but now, for all anyone knew, he could very well be on his death bed and he was very genuinely sorry. So now he feels bad and scared and worried and has regrets and then he gets to find out that his best buddy, lil ol Burrito, is gone. Just thinking about it makes me teary. I feel so sad for him.
So I've got a full time job with a serious audit to get prepared for, plans that I won't allow myself to back out of, not that I wanted to. At this point I needed all the fun I could get. A quarter life crisis. I've got serious family stuff going on, and that's just the big stuff. Don't forget about the broken dryer, the unsafe home, broken lawn mower, lack of money, lack of food because of lack of money, feeling for my friends who are also going through terribly tough times in their lives, trying to help them, feeling hopeless when I can't, the lines of homeless people I see every single day at work (I work right by the local mission), no health insurance, dirty politicians, world hunger....It was too much. I could no longer function properly.
Apparently the people I work with started to notice my shift in attitude. I mean really...I'm sure everyone did. I was really fooling myself thinking that no one cared so why should I? I stopped getting dressed up. I stopped smiling as much because I wasn't in a good mood as often. I stopped blogging.
Somehow, I didn't stop having fun. I mean, I stopped having fun as often, but through all of that I went to the Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj concert with lil K (good wedding gift eh?), we threw a bad ass 80's party for L's birthday, we had craft nights which were way more fun than they sound, and we went to K and G's circus themed wedding. I mean...those things were FUN! I couldn't muster up the energy to write about them though because I just wasn't happy enough to care.
Why the change now? Well, as it turns out, I really do have the best boss ever. After hearing that I wasn't my usual self, and noticing herself that I was down and clearly not completely well, she offered to have me see the counselor/therapist type woman her family uses. I had actually been wanting to see someone for a while but with no health insurance I knew I couldn't afford to so when she offered I accepted without hesitation. Just making the appointment took a weight off my shoulders. It helped that grampy was now stable and he and mom seemed to be doing at least a little better.
I've only seen her a few times but I already feel a million times better. A couple of months ago, I really didn't see the point in life. I didn't know what I was doing and I was giving up. I mean, really. Yes, I still showered and put make up on every day. Yes, I still went to work early every day. I even kept shaving my legs regularly. I didn't think I was really doing that bad. But now that I'm on the other side...back on the bright side of life, I can see I wasn't living back then. I was being way too hard on myself and not giving myself the things I needed.
I still don't know where I'm going with my life (fingers crossed I can get into styling somehow), but I know I can't stay in the house I currently live at. I don't ever feel safe there. I have to leave. So I put in my notice yesterday. I'm moving because I deserve to live at a place that I feel safe in. Because there is no reason for me to continue to be stuck at a place that doesn't make me happy when I really don't need to be. Thanks to an outsiders view, I saw the possibilities. As my part time roomie A would say, what I saw as a problem, this outsider saw as a solution. So now, I'm moving. I haven't found a place yet, but I'm looking. I know I'll find what I'm looking for. I'm taking a leap of faith by putting in my notice before having a place locked down, but this leap has made me more excited about life then I have been in a long time. I really can't wait to see how it all turns out. And then I'll be able to work on what's next. Not that I need to think about that right now.
The reason I decided to share all of this is because I think other people need to know that these feelings happen to everyone. To some people it seemed like everything was fine with me. I just want you to know that we all go through this. Even people who seem to be doing great with life. We all have moments in our lives where things don't seem awesome. Where it seems like there is no point in life and no reason to go on. For some of us, those moments last longer. But you can get out of it. Sometimes all it takes is an objective view from an outsider to help you see the way out.
Don't be scared to ask for help. It doesn't mean you're weaker than someone who doesn't ask for help. It means that you are doing what you need to do and sometimes that means letting someone else help. Because as my new BFF the therapist pointed out to me, letting someone help you is actually helping them. You know how when you help someone out and they thank you and you feel good? When you don't let someone help you, you're actually depriving them of feeling that good feeling we get when we help someone. So let someone help, and make them feel good at the same time. There are billions of people on this planet. There is no reason for us to feel alone or to tackle life and it's humongous obstacles on our own.
I may not have all the answers, but I can always listen. And who knows, maybe I can help, or know someone who can. Why not find out?


Fun stories coming up soon! I thought it would be a good idea to share the reasons I've been a little absent, but I know fun stories are...well....more fun to read, so don't worry. I've got some good stuff to share.

Video update: Big news

Somehow I managed to get a video. I still haven't figured out how to work my video camera and make it communicate with my computer and get my computer to install drivers for some sound thing or...something. Basically, the ongoing fight between technology and I is still raging. And technology is winning. Damn it...
So I made this little update video. Nothing too special. Just making myself do the things I keep telling myself to do and never get around to doing. Got some big news in it.
I took the video and I was all proud of myself for accomplishing a goal I wanted to achieve. Then I tried to figure out how to get the video from my camera to my computer. That's when I found out I didn't have a cord to make that happen. Since I had to stop by the bank anyway, I went ahead and ran to Best Buy and they hooked me up with an SD card reader that plugs into my computer for like $12.
I came back home all amped up to complete my mission. And that's when I found out my computer needs some driver update to play videos or something and I followed all the troubleshooting instructions and got precisely, nowhere. So, then I decided I didn't need to try to edit anything or even actually view the video, before posting it, on anything other than the small camcorder screen. So I just blindly uploaded to my youtube account and my computer has no problem playing youtube videos...but I don't have speakers...or headphones since I left those at the office today. I'm really hoping it's not horrible.
Fair warning: I swear a couple of times in the video. Involuntary sailor mouth disorder. Sorry!
Lemme know what you think. Hope you guys like it!

My worst fear

I may have mentioned it before on the blog, but my mom bought me the greatest invention of all time and I use it often. The Bugzooka! It's absolutely amazing, and a real life saver for a single arachnophobic girl living on her own. With this, all you do is push a button and it sucks the enemy into a chamber on the end, where they die. Or...live off the remains of other bugs. Whatev.
No longer do I feel trapped when there is a spider on the wall, or scurrying across the floor! No longer must I search for something to kill while still keeping me at a safe distance! See, this arachnophobia of mine can be quite debilitating. It's not like I despise spiders and just want to kill them all. I mean, I do, but this phobia is more than that. I want them dead, for sure. But killing them...well that puts me dangerously close to, like...touching them. BLECH! I can't clean dead spiders up (there may or may not be a pair of shoes hiding under my bed for the last year only because they were used to kill a spider and knowing that there are spider guts on them makes them unwearable to my mind), I can't look at pictures of spiders (I once hurled a national geographic across the lobby of the high school health center because I turned the page to see a picture of a man with his face literally covered by tarantulas), I can't watch movies with spiders (yes, I've seen arachnophobia and no I don't want to see it again as I still envision the shower/spider scene every single day of my life when in the shower), I just can't handle them. I even once ran from literally nothing in a haunted house because in my mind I saw a person in a spider costume. I cried...even though it was nothing. Nothing. Yes, this phobia is real.
I remember, years ago as a child, when I tried to kill a daddy long legs on my own. I had a baseball bat in my hands with the big end hovering a few inches from the wall where the spider was. I had every intention of smushing the spider but I couldn't. The closer the bat got to the wall, the more terrified I became. Because inside my tiny child brain, I had a vision. A vision that the spider was just waiting for me to strike and when I did it would leap onto the end of the bat and race up the wooden handle to my face where of course I would fall down screaming like a banshee, kicking and flailing on my way to the ground. I couldn't do it. I dropped the bat and ran screaming and trembling with fear.
I've always had someone there to take over when the fear was too much for me (that's every single time in case you're wondering). My mom, roommates, friends, boyfriends that I lived with. When there's a spider on the wall, or ceiling, or anywhere really, I scream for whoever is around and run for cover. Mom found the Bugzooka and knew it was something I needed in my life.
See, I still have those crazy thoughts in my head like I did as a child. I can still see, in my head, the spider falling from the wall after a failed shoe kill attempt, only to land on me, or my bed, or...God forbid....my shoes! Spiders are only welcome smeared on the bottom of a shoe, and even then, I don't want to wear it if it has spider cooties. And I can't be the one to clean the remains off (even from walls) because that involves touching spider bits. Oh God...what if I could feel it through the paper towel? Or if I got a leg on me... Blech blech blech!
So, having something that sucks a spider into a chamber where it is trapped and will die, without leaving a mess is an absolute blessing. Especially now that no one is around to kill offenders when they appear. It does still cause some problems though. The chamber requires emptying...which means you have to put your hands...on the chamber! Only a wall of plastic separates you from the captured spiders, and that's just not enough for me. Did I mention the thing is see through? Mine does not get emptied. Which is why some spiders can live forEVER in there. You also have to get the chamber end pretty close to the spider in order for the suction to actually have an effect. The bigger the spider, the closer you have to get. When the spider is in a web, unless you're quick (which I am not), it will feel you hit a strand of web and run away before you get to it.
Which is what happened a couple weeks ago. I was washing dishes, minding my own two legged business, when I glanced outside. Ahh, how nice it is when we get sunshine in the Northwest. As my eyes came back to the dishes, something caught my eye just under the cupboards above the sink. Between the cupboards and the fuse box, on the wall not 2 feet from me, was a decent size gangly looking spider. Not one of those big thick ones that you know will make a crunch sound when you kill it. He was big like a quarter, but he had skinny long legs. Ugh...thinking of the details makes my skin crawl.
I finished the dish I was washing and turned off the water. I did not run to the Bugzooka, for I did not want to alert the spider of it's impending capture. For he would surly run and hide somewhere. And not knowing where a live spider is in my house is just not ok. So I calmly walked to the Bugzooka. I calmly made sure it was cocked and ready to go. I slowly walked back to the sink. I lifted my savior and positioned my finger on the vacuum button. I went for it. But just as I pushed the button I hit a strand of web. The eight legged bastard got a warning and ran. And hid behind the cupboards. Damn...
I have many strategies for what to do after a spider gets away alive and unharmed. This day, I chose to walk away and stay out of the kitchen hoping the spider would return to its web where I could clearly see it from the living room. He was that big. Sure enough, within a couple hours, he was back. Perched in his web as if nothing had happened.
I quietly got the bugzooka and positioned myself by the sink. This time I was determined to get the bastard. But again, I hit a strand of web and off he went into darkness. Damn damn damn!
I went on with my day.
I came back and there he was...perched in his web. Taunting me with his freedom. "You're going DOWN!" I screamed at him. I got the Bugzooka and walked to the sink. With my finger on the button I went in for the final time. No cautiousness. I couldn't risk him getting away again.
I saw it happen. I saw him leap from his web and land on the end of the death chamber. He seemed startled that he made it, hesitating only a moment before running up the barrel at me. This was no figment of my imagination. It really happened this time. After 25 years of only imagining it, my worst fear came to life. That spider was out to get me. So, I did what any rational person would.
I screamed bloody murder and threw the Bugzooka away from me. I ran screaming from the kitchen and didn't stop until I hit the front door with myself, screaming the whole way.
Then I realized I had just given the spider the chance to get away, again. So I crept back to the kitchen. I saw the spider trying to make his escape across the floor. He had only made it a few inches from the Bugzooka so I ran in and grabbed it, pumped it, and sucked him up before he could get into the shadows by the stove.
And that, my friends, is the story of how mentally preparing for something your entire life does not in fact make it any easier to handle in reality.

Things I'm tired of

People not using their blinkers, or using them incorrectly. Fun fact: Blinkers are supposed to be put on BEFORE you turn or get over. They're there to let OTHER drivers know your INTENTIONS.

Portland "Summer". Um, it's raining. I know, I know. It's the "Great Northwest" or whatever...but seriously. It's the middle of July and I kinda want to be like...warm. Of course, I'll regret this comment when summer hits and my house turns into a sauna. Which brings me to my next point...

My house.

My car. And it's missing window. And how that missing window seems to be an invitation to spiders. I killed 3 spiders INSIDE my car in a week...all WHILE I WAS DRIVING. Do you have any idea how hard that is for someone with arachnophobia? It's a miracle I haven't killed myself or anyone else during these terrifying times.

My hair. It's so boring. So up it goes. And up it will stay. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when you're pinned down because you've trapped yourself with your own hair? And the shedding! Good god...the shedding.

Construction. Seriously now...The other day I was forced through 2 detours in the first 10 minutes of driving. Now, I understand that construction must be done. I understand that those workers are just doing their jobs. But my entire parking lot for work is engulfed in construction. Half the road to my parking lot is actually closed. You know, the half I take to get to the damn place. I have to do a loopty loop to get there every time. And those workers...who are just doing their jobs...keep leaving their damn fence open. Like, in the lane of traffic. Where I have to drive to park. I can only turn one direction out of the parking lot now. Every day they take over more and more of my lot. And then when I'm done dealing with that I hit 48 more construction sites on my way to where ever it is I'm heading that day. I just keep telling myself it will end some time. I don't believe myself.

Being poor.

Most of all, I'm tired of not being my happy self. I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm not sure anyone actually cares. I'm not going to explain myself, because I don't have to. I'm used to being positive and happy and fun loving and lately I haven't been. I'm frustrated because I'm not sure how to get that happy back.

All of that said, I can't forget how lucky I am. I know I'm lucky to have a job. A job that sustains me enough to live on my own. Just barely. I'm lucky to have a home to live in. I'm lucky I have a car and I don't have to rely on public transportation, which I hate. I'm lucky to be alive. I am more than lucky to have such a big number of awesome friends that constantly look out for me and help me have the best times of my life.I really do love you guys. More than I could ever properly express. Without you guys...I really don't know where I would be right now. Hungry, that's for damn sure.

I am thankful for all that I have.

But sometimes...all of the negatives are just so heavy. They weigh everything else down. They weigh me down.

where have you been?!

Ok, so...it's been a while. How are you guys? How's life treating you? Things are good?
I don't have a really good reason for being so absent from the blog. Mostly laziness. My dream was to present you all with a video blog. I thought it would be quicker for me to make and easier for you to watch than the traditional takes-me-eighteen-thousand-hours-to-write-a-post route. As we can all clearly see, that didn't happen. I had to find my video camera in storage (a.k.a. hiding in an old purse) and then figure out how to upload and edit a video. I found the camera, but it wasn't charged. So I charged it and now I can't get it to turn on. Awesome. I thought about using my phone but I know that a) the quality won't be great and b) I know I can't do what I want in one take. I still want to make it happen, and I haven't completely given up but I have to post something. If not for you, at least for my naggy mom (love you!) and for my own peace of mind.
Lets take a trip back in time, all the way back to...my birthday! It was only 2 weeks ago but it feels like months have passed.
Click through to read about my party!