Pumpkin carving adult style

Last years pumpkin carving party was such a success I knew I had to do it again this year. The only planning I really did was to plan the date. On my way home from work I realized I didn't have even one pumpkin carving kit and those little saws are so handy so I thought I would just stop at the store before going home. Walking into the store I realized I should probably get some snacks for the party too since there wasn't much at the house to snack on. I found some sparkling lemonade on sale and grabbed a couple bottles. Ooh, some chips, maybe these chocolate chip cookies and hey pumpkin chocolate chip? Perfect for a pumpkin carving party I think! Before I knew it I was weighed down with snacks and pizza to cook at home and stuff to drink and some candy. Time to leave before I buy the whole store.
As I walked out the door with my bagged up and already purchased groceries I passed the pumpkin carving station. Damn it!!! I forgot the only freakin thing I came here for! No way am I gonna turn around and go back through the line to buy one thing. Yep, I just left the store without the stupid carving kit. Oh well.
Once I get home I start setting out the snacks and cleaning up a little. Lil K texts and asks if she can bring anything. Well if you're already out and there are carving kits near by....
I pop the pizza in the oven since I'm starving right now and don't plan on waiting for other people so I can eat. The pizza will still be good by the time they get here anyway. Clean up some more and put clothes away while I wait for it to bake. And then it's done and I go to pull it out of the oven and what happens next? Yep, I burn my knuckle on the top of the oven. I burnt myself on the oven roof. Why was my hand even up there?! I have no idea. So now my pinky knuckle has this whiteish greyish scabish thing on it. Hotness.
Everyone starts to show up and just like last year G has a pumpkin to carve and props to go with it. Some kind of potato/squash thing, a tomato and a mister potato head. What is he up to....
They brought a bottle of wine but of course I don't have a wine opener. I really need to get an industrial strength one. G tries to get the cork out with a knife but gives up quickly, which is probably the smartest idea. G and I are amped up to start carving so I get out some newspaper and he sets up a station on the floor in the kitchen. I put some paper down in the living room and then start to cut the pumpkin lid. I opt for the old school "vvv" looking type cut lid. I used a large kitchen knife for this task and L tells me I'm not safe. Psha! The blade is facing away from me! I'm perfectly safe. Whoops...that slice went all the way through the pumpkin.
Like the title suggests, this is pumpkin carving for adults. It's a naughty pumpkin carving party. Last year there was some jungle fever pumpkins (a melon and a squash? Scandalous!) and a vampire whose head was impaled with a penis. Classy stuff people.
G keeps laughing as he carves. I know he's got a plan and it's going to be as good as, if not better, than last years. I got a random Halloween forward text with a few pictures of pornographic pumpkins (I later learned are called pornkins) and saved it just for this. I picked the easiest one to draw and sketched it out on the back of one of the carving stencils that came with the carving kits. Taped it to my pumpkin and used the dotter tool to draw the picture onto my pumpkin. Man, these kits are actually really handy. I hear more giggling from G and lil K comes in to check on his progress. She calls him gross, grabs some snacks and walks back into the living room.
"Oh no! I broke his penis!"
C says "If I didn't know what you were doing in there I would be worried."
Wait, why am I carving on the counter when all my newspaper laid out over there on the floor? Whatever. I'm close to the garbage can and that's important in these kinds of situations.
G and I yell at K2 to start carving. He brought a pumpkin (stolen) and everything and he's not even carving. He comes into the kitchen to see what we're doing and he asks why G needs a tomato. We'll see.
Before I know it G is ready to set up. Yes, his pumpkin needs to be set up. I forgot to get the tea lights out so he has to wait for me to get done. Luckily my design is simple and I'm done in no time. I grab some tea lights and take my pumpkin outside. G already has his lit up and is adjusting the guts. I prop mine up and light the candle. Aw, they look so good!

I know, it's kind of hard to see. The one on the left is mine. The one on the right, G's masterpiece. And mister no face in the back is the pumpkin body guard, generously donated by K2. Let's check em out a little closer shall we?

Fine craftsmanship if I do say so myself. See, it's a girl and a guy and....well if you don't know what's going on I'm not going to spell it out for you. Except to let you know there are 3 arms, 2 are the girls and one is the guys. Not bad eh?

I took a picture of G's in the light so you could see all the details. The story G told us to go along with it goes something like this: So this guy's walking and he trips on a log (he grabs an old pumpkin stem and stuck it in front of his pumpkins feet) and falls down face first onto a penis, impaling his eye. The penis goes all the way through his head and pops out the top of skull and his brains are spilling out.
The tomato was for guts. He used potato heads feet and hat. His eye is squinted in pain from the impaling and he's barfing out blood and guts. Nice. Very nice my friend. That is one heck of a curve on that thing though....
Guess who is now the proud new owner of a mister potato head with no feet or hat? This chick.
So, not as many people came or carved as last year, but I still think it was a great success. I love how creative my friends are. I don't have kids so I can carve pumpkins like this. Also, my neighbors are crack heads and won't even notice since they too are childless and won't be coming to my door for any reason. Well unless they come to borrow eggs and milk again.

Mud surfing with pumpkins

Sunday L, brother A and I headed out to the pumpkin patch on Sauvie's Island. With our trusty rain boots and hats we were ready for a rainy, muddy day hunting for pumpkins. Even parking seems more fun when you're navigating through mud. We decide to take the hay ride out to the pumpkins and stand in line. That's when it started really raining. L used brother A as a shield from the rain and wind. We spy a large puddle not too far away and go to inspect it while brother A holds our spot in line. L checks the depth and I jump. Which splashes her. Whoops.
We finally make it to the hay ride after waiting in line forever behind the kid wearing shorts...and plop our dry butts onto the rain drenched hay. The road is basically a mud river and is pretty fun to watch pass under us. We hop off and start the search. Of course I think we're all looking for pumpkins and find out I'm the only one actually planning on buying one. We walk around and check out what the options are. Brother A does a little accidental mud surfing and then purposely. He almost falls over but catches himself...but when his foot lands on the ground it splashes mud right onto L's face. She makes him clean it off.
Walk around. Pick up pumpkins. Put them back down. Brother A keeps bringing me choices. I'm too picky. That one's not round enough, that one has a scar on his face, that one has a weird thing hanging from it's booty. Where is my perfect pumpkin? Brother A finds a red pumpkin. Cool! Oh, no, wait...it's just an apple. Yes. We are silly.
My feet are coated in muddy muck. My feet look like they should be attached to the creature from the black lagoon.
There he is! The perfect pumpkin. Round, small but not tiny. Light enough for me to carry, no weird scars or dents, good handle. Aw I love my lil punkin!
We start to walk back to the main area and brother A starts jumping in some small puddles. That's all it takes to make me start jumping too. I forgot how fun puddle jumping is! And with rain boots?! So much better!
Jump jump jump jump splash splash splash. Aw crap. I got my jeans muddy. Oh well! Jump jump jump splash splash splash. We walk back to the farm instead of waiting for the hay ride to make it's way back over. We jump in puddles the whole way. My legs are totally muddy. Ew.
I buy my pumpkin (only one freakin dollar!!) and we check out the market. Look at some giant zucchinis and cute teeny pumpkins. No need to buy anything. Head outside and I can't resist at all. I gotta get some corn on the cob. Freakin delish! We all get a cob, slather it in butter and head over to some bales of hay to sit and eat. I love corn on the cob and this stuff was damn tasty. L bought an elephant ear for us to all share and then we finally decided it was time to leave.
It has never felt so good to put on clean dry clothes.

Saturday is crazy

I woke up in the middle of the night and I'm pretty sure I had a dream about a challenged cat. All I remember is looking for my keys frantically so I could get in my car with this crazy eyed cat coming at me. He was screaming at me. "Maow! MAOW!". Terrifying.
I was supposed to have breakfast with Big J and C so I set my alarm for 9 even though it was a weekend. Since we didn't have a specific time to meet C told me on Thursday night she would just text me when she woke up and then we could get up and ready at the same time. She wasn't going to be staying at the house Friday night so she couldn't actually come in my room and wake me up. This seemed like the next best option.
I laid in bed watching Walker Texas Ranger (because who can resist?) until about 9:30 and then I decided I would shower even though I hadn't heard from C yet. I took a nice long weekend shower (I love when I don't feel rushed but still won't get up early enough to avoid feeling that way on weekdays) and took my sweet time putting on makeup. I checked my phone and there was still nothing. I decided I would play in my closet for a little bit and if I hadn't heard from them by 11 I would text.
Sure enough 11 came around and I still hadn't heard anything, so I text C and asked if we were still meeting for breakfast because I was starting to get hungry and I didn't want to have a bagel if they were going to want to meet in 20 minutes for food. I waited 10 minutes and didn't hear anything so I sent a text to Big J. 10 more minutes went by without a word so I sent them both the same text letting them know I was going to go to lunch with my mom because I was starving and hadn't heard from them and off I went.
At a quarter after 12 I finally heard from Big J. They decided to take a late night beach trip and ended up sleeping in which is why they didn't respond. Nice.
Let me be clear here. I am not at all against late night beach trips. At all. I can't even count how many times I've run off to the beach in the middle of the night for no other reason than to go to the beach. I love it there and will go there as often as I can. I've even gone to the beach on a work night and been back in time to go to work the next morning. Spontaneity is totally my friend. I also understand how sleeping in can happen even when you set an alarm. It does however upset me that we had breakfast plans and they went to the beach with a plan to be back around 10 for breakfast and I never heard about that plan. It does upset me that when I get upset about it I'm made to feel like I'm being crazy for being upset at all about the situation. It's really weird writing this knowing that they'll read it...but this blog is about my life and this is how my day started on Saturday.
I was at my moms when I finally heard from them and we were at my grampys when Big J decided to call me. I took the call outside because I knew I was upset and didn't want to be that way in front of my family. Big J told me to calm down and said he had already apologized so what more could I possibly want. I hung up on him. Maybe not my best moment, but it happened.
I was literally shaking from being so upset. I made plans to hang out with my friends and they disappeared without a word and then made me feel bad about getting upset about it? Ummm huh?
So mom and I headed to lunch. We went to Elmers (random choice) and got some food. I couldn't eat most of it. Mom suspects stress is the cause. I get a box and plan to have the rest for dinner. Time for some retail therapy. That always helps.
We head to the outlet stores in Troutdale because mom has been reading too many cooking blogs and now has a whole list of wants for the kitchen and there is a kitchen store out there. I touch everything that catches my eye and we walk around the whole store in only a few minutes. There are tons of things to buy, but nothing we can't live without so we move on. We head to Sunglass World because I just lost my only pair of sunglasses and mom wants a pair anyway.
First thing I see when I walk in the door? Totally awesome choices of rain boots, all for the exact freakin price L and I paid a couple weekends ago. I could be wearing awesome giraffe print boots... Oh well. Now we know. I try on 4000 pairs of glasses (or like 10) and finally settle on an awesome giant pair. I spend some time looking at some seriously discounted gloved (genuine leather isotoners for $5? Yes please!) and we head out with stuff we need but don't really. On to Goodwill which is, as always, crazy busy and swarming with loud crying children. There should be a place where I can buy things I like without having to avoid the crying child down the shirt aisle or the mother yelling at her kids to "just stop it!!" down the shoe aisle. Just saying, if your kid is acting up in the store then maybe you shouldn't be in the store at that moment. I'm not going out so I can hear you yell at little Greg to stop whining. Your yelling is way more annoying than his whining by the way.
I drop mom off at Winco so she can buy 14 tons of apples and then take her back home so I can head to my home and get ready for fight night. Not that I have much readying to do. E picks me up around 6:30 and we head to S's to watch the fights. Which are awesome! I really didn't think Brock would go down so fast...but down he went, and covered in blood. It kind of looked like a horror movie exploded on his face.
After the fights were over I decided to see if I could still hang out at A's. She had fight night at her place too but I made the plans with E before I knew she was going to have people over too. Even though most people were already gone, she let me come over. We laughed at her dogs and played on the Wii fit. I kick ass at the bubble game but almost every other one I suck at. And every game I sucked at made A way happier. She's a poor sportsman. I said that to her face so don't worry, she knows. We ate some ice cream and then played some more Wii and every time it was A's turn she would say something that made her sound like a child. "Ok, here I go" in a kid voice. "My turn!" in kid excitement. "Watch me" like a kid. She's funny. Eventually I decided to head home for the night. She had to work the next day anyway so I didn't want to stay there for way too long. I love that I can go to her house and not really do anything but still have a blast.

She and Him

W won 2 tickets to see She & Him but thought he was getting tickets to something else. Since he didn't want these tickets he was so very kind as to give them to me! I was super excited because I totally adore Zooey Deschanel. I asked L to go with me. I got home from work on Friday and immediately started playing with my clothes because I'm a girly girl like that and on the off chance I might possibly get to actually meet Zooey, I wanted to make sure I looked cute. Hey, you gotta be prepared right? I was ready to go by 6 and I didn't have to pick L up until she was ready which left me watching tv for half an hour. No complaints from me though because I have a full DVR that needs some watchlove.
After I picked up L we headed downtown. We had plenty of time to spare so we stopped into McDonalds since it was on the way from the car to the concert. I got a burger since I was starving and L headed to the bathroom. I took the opportunity to scope out my surroundings. I feel like I could be in a rehab and not a fast food place. A stroller came around the corner followed by children and parents. They were loud. L and I picked a seat in the far corner of the "restaurant" and as soon as someone walked by with ice cream L decided she wanted a dipped cone. We are after all the ice cream connoisseurs. She got one for me too. She had to wait in a crazy long line full of suspect looking people.
Question: Why do people think it's ok to be as loud as possible about private matters in public places?
We sat and ate our cones in silence for a few minutes. The chocolate they use to dip their cones is totally different than Dairy Queen. Not bad different, but different. I again couldn't finish the cone and as I got up to throw it away L accused me of being sick, again. I don't think I will ever be able to get away with not finishing ice cream.
As we made our way into the concert hall L noted the signs saying there would be no cameras or recording equipment, including cell phones, allowed in and she was glad she didn't bring her camera. I brought mine but it definitely didn't matter because the only precaution they took was putting those signs up. They didn't check our purses like some places would and they didn't even say a word to the young girls taking pictures  right in front of the door with the sign. We find our seats and people watch until the show starts. I'm pretty sure that girl over there is wearing the same dress as me. L is unsure about the combo of patterned tights with the floral dress on the girl next to me, but I like it. Odd couple of the year over there and hey don't we know that guy from school?
The group that went on stage before She & Him was a local band. Funky sound with an older hippie man as the lead singer. I really had trouble understanding the words he sang but he had some seriously sweet ass dance moves. I call it the flamingo. He would bend one leg back at the knee and hop around a few times. He made me smile a lot.
During intermission between local flamingo dancing hippie and the main act L told me how thankful she was to have a neck. Which made me self conscience of my own neck so for a few minutes I just kind of strangled myself checking my neck wrinkles until I was satisfied that I do indeed have a normal neck. Thank goodness.
She & Him came on stage and everyone is totally excited because that's how concerts work. Zooey was a bouncy ball of sunshine and the same hippie guy played guitar for their band.
They were totally awesome. They're sound was totally enjoyable and the way Zooey danced around on stage, bouncing around like a kid with the back up singers doing the same thing, made it all better. She played the keyboard, a little ukulele, did some great things with a tambourine and the tone in her voice is just....lovely really. Their energy was totally infectious for me and I smiled the whole time.
After the show (Zooey and M. Ward ran off stage as soon as their last song was over so no real chance of meeting them not like that was really gonna happen anyway) we squished our way out onto the street with hundreds of other people at the same time. That's the downside to events like this. Getting out of them can be hell. It wasn't too bad though. Until L decided to walk around all the people on the sidewalk by going in the street. I tried to follow....but suddenly I was realizing my foot felt so wobbly. I looked down and saw my foot move forward and then sideways. It was out of my control now. The ground was getting closer to my face. L says she heard some people say uh oh. The first and only words out of my mouth were nice and loud.
"Oh shit"
Then I got up as quick as I had fallen and L asked if I was ok while she laughed. I said yep and she cackled. "It wasn't me this time! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
For one small moment I was totally embarrassed. Do you know how many people just probably saw my ass? And then it was funny. The only downside is I didn't get to see it happen. Watching people fall is almost always funny so at least I know I gave some people something to laugh about on their way home. Which is exactly what L and I did the entire way home. Laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm pretty sure everyone that witnessed this thinks I'm a lunatic and L is a bitch but we were laughing and having fun so who the heck cares. I only scraped my knees a little bit. They barely hurt at all.
Until I tried to go to bed and they rubbed on the sheets.

Random beach trip

After sleeping in and enjoying my weekend slothness C invited me to go to the beach with her and her friend B. Uhh heck yes I want to go! I love the beach! We all know this. Apparently B will be driving. I always feel weird when I don't drive but I welcome the break since I do have to drive so often.
It's a beautiful day to go to the beach and I couldn't be happier to be there. C and B are worried I'll be too cold because when I started to get dressed I didn't know I was going to the beach so I'm wearing a dress and boots with a girly jacket. I should probably have worn long pants, a long sleeve tee and an actual jacket but I'm not really worried about it. It's a gorgeous day and I love the beach. I see no problem.
We get to Seaside in just over an hour even with getting stuck behind some seriously slow people (I mean come on twinkie van, 35 in a 55 is so not ok. At least pull over and let cars pass when you see a line of them growing behind your slow ass). It's pretty windy at the beach and I might have some issues with the dress because of the wind...but I'm not at all cold. I'm just so excited to be at the beach. We walk to the beach after scoring a kick ass parking spot right on the strip. We walk on the sand forever along the water. C hunts for a stick to draw in the sand. That one is too limp because it's not a stick and is in fact some kind of sea thing. That one is too wet. That one is too gross. B and I make fun of her for hunting for the perfect stick. She's took picky about her sticks. I finally fish out a sharpie from my purse so she can use it to draw a message in the sand. I suppose I could have offered it up earlier but I actually totally forgot I had it.
We head back to the strip to find some food. I end up having to tie a knot in my dress to keep it from flying up and showing strangers things they don't need to see. I might look a little skankish but it's better than having my ass totally hanging out.
We head to the pizza place that I'm pretty sure made me sick the last time we ate there. Hmm, come to think of it, the last couple of times I've been sick have been after eating pizza. This might not be such a good idea. Oh well! C makes sure B isn't going to order the same pizza we got here last time, because I definitely don't want a repeat of that. We order Hawaiian. That seems safe. Plus pineapple helps burn calories. Kick assness. B pays for our food and drinks and even orders wings. She is super nice. I like her. And no, not just because she bought me food. Sheesh. What kind of person do you guys think I am? Wait...don't answer that.
We sit down and wait for our food. The pizza here is really good. Nope, I don't know the name of it off the top of my head, sorry. B gets a call from her brother in jail. Then they throw single me under the bus and offer me up as a present when he gets out (just to have a more positive influence in his life. Not like prostitution. God you guys, get your minds out of the gutter!). Awesome. I talk to him on the phone for a minute. He thinks I'm C. Then feels dumb when he finds out I'm not. We finish eating and head back to the beach all the while talking to B's brother. She finally gets off the phone and tells me he is telling everyone he loves me and we're getting married (no not really at all. Not even close) and we head the opposite way down the beach.
The wind is blowing and the sun is just starting to set. It's absolutely stunning. So perfectly beautiful. C told me earlier that my internal thermostat must be broken because when I should be cold I'm not, and sometimes there are goosebumps all over my arms and legs and I still don't feel like I'm cold. Now, here we are, walking down the beach. People are all bundled up (except that one guy who was only in shorts) and I have goosebumps on my legs but I feel perfect. I don't feel cold at all. Now I'm worried about my broken thermostat.
We head back to the car. C says Big J is going to come down which means if we want to stay we can stay at his grandmas beach house where we usually stay. I was kind of hoping to actually head back to town that night but everyone seems pretty excited about it...and I do love the beach at night. I agree to stay as long as we leave early the next day. Since big J isn't here yet we head to the store to get some beer for the girls and some chocolate for me. We wander around for way longer then we need to and head back to the car.
We still haven't heard from big J so B decided we should take a drive to Lincoln City. She can get a cheap place to stay there if we want to stay the night and if we don't we can just head home. If we hear from big J on our way there we can just turn around. She takes the scenic route (is there any non scenic route on the beach?) and we enjoy a night drive.
C finally hears from big J and he says he's been at the beach house for 20 minutes and seems a bit angry that we left town. Well excuse me mister smarty pants. We hadn't heard from you in 3 hours and it only took us an hour to get here from the same place you came from and C tried to get a hold of you so calm yourself. We turn around and head to the beach house. Where we find out why he was so irritated (an incident at a rest stop involving a fist and a face...) and he finally calms down.
He makes fun of us for wanting to go to the beach because it's cold out but takes us anyway. We pile into the Jeep so we can go to the drive on beach. We find a pile of burning coals and claim our fire. C goes in search of wood and then B reminds me that she had trouble finding a drawing stick and big J reminds me she's too OCD for wood finding so I run out to help her look. We find a couple of good pieces and a couple of they'll burn but they're not ideal pieces and head back to build up the fire. Big J takes off to find some more wood and somehow disappears into the night. Not only can we no longer see him but he's also gone forever. He doesn't respond when C texts him to see what's taking so long. And then all of a sudden I see his flashlight by the water. Before I can even finish asking the girls if they think that's him, the light goes away and they think I'm crazy. I see the light again at least once more but it's not there long enough for anyone else to see. Now I feel crazy. Especially when big J finally does reappear and it's no where near where I saw that light.
Now he's gone again. Invisible. How the heck does he keep doing that? Oh there he is. I'm not a fan of the dark for basically this exact reason.
Good news is he brought back some good firewood with him, just as our little fire was thinking about dying. Now that I'm not looking for Houdini, and seeing ghosts that are probably really people, I can really take in what a beautiful night it is. There are no clouds out, the moon is shining so brightly and it's reflecting onto the water and the stars are out in full force (though not as crazy awesome as on the mountain). I can't stop staring at the moon but when I do peel my eyes away from it I'm staring at the stars. The stars are quite literally twinkling. I make sure to take in every detail I can so that I can remember this beauty easily later on.
C heads down to the water and I resist at first because I'm wearing my suede boots. But big J tells me he has an extra pair of shoes in the Jeep...Off with the boots! I head down to the water. C is heading back. She says it's too cold. I can't resist the pull of the moonlight so I walk down to the water line and stare some more. It's so peaceful and calm and stunning. The stars are reflecting in the wet sand on the shore. I can't see very far to the right of me on the beach, or to the left, but I feel like I can see for miles into the water. It was absolutely the perfect night for a moonlit walk on the beach, not that I have someone to partake in such an activity. I didn't feel cold at all, even though that's probably just my broken thermostat. I can't hold back a moment longer and I play in the water. It's not as cold as I thought it would be. I check and this time I don't even have goosebumps. I kick and splash and giggle a little. I really do adore the beach.
I go back to the fire to dry my feet off before I have to get back into the Jeep. Everyone seems ready to head back so I get as much sand as I can off my feet and hop in without using big Js shoes. No need to get them all dirty when I can just walk barefoot. We get back to the house and I think for a minute before hopping out of the Jeep about putting those shoes on since the driveway is all rocky but whatever. I can handle some rocks. And actually, they're not that painful to walk on. They talk about me being crazy again. Just because I don't feel pain the same way doesn't mean I'm crazy!
Big J hands out pjs for us (that he packed because he knew we hadn't planned on staying and thus would have none of our own. How nice) and we crawl into bed after watching some tv. Bed is another one of my favorite places.
I wake up around 10:30 and am excited about heading home. Doesn't seem like anyone else is awake yet though, until C comes up the stairs. Then everyone starts to wake up. I have a medium sized meltdown when big J brings my boots in from the Jeep and I find out there is marshmallow adhering sand to the bottom of one of my boots. I love those boots and I can't stand the thought of them being ruined so I take a walk to the beach. Barefoot obviously since I can't wear my boots. I'm aware that I'm acting crazy which is exactly the reason I don't want to be around people right now. I find a non windy spot in the dunes to sit and watch the waves and I finally start to feel calmer.
When I get back to the house C is showered, B is eating breakfast from some fast food place and big J is doing laundry. They all decide to walk down to the beach. Well, I was just there and this morning my thermostat seems to be working because I was cold, at least when I wasn't sheltered from the wind, so I decide to stay at the house. Before long big J was back at the house. With the intention of mowing the lawn there. But he has to go to radio shack first. Umm....ok. He leaves and the girls come back from their walk which seems like it took forever and a day. Now I'm thinking we'll be able to head home but that doesn't seem to be on anyone elses mind. I don't want to be a party pooper, and although I didn't have plans set in town today I would like to be home, catching up on my laundry, catching up on my DVR recordings. Basically I just wanted to be home. So I had another mini meltdown and walked back to the beach...with shoes on this time. But I had trouble calming myself down this time and it wouldn't get better and everything that was wrong or had ever been wrong came crawling to the surface of my brain and the minute I walked back in the door of the beach house everyone knew it was time to leave. I'm pretty sure I yelled. Sorry about that guys. Meltdowns are hard to fend off sometimes. And it doesn't help when everyone is looking at you like you're crazy. Even if you are.
We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home. I got chocolate of course and all was right with the world again.

Randomness on Friday

K and K2 came over to jump on the trampoline Friday. I can't even express how much more fun jumping is with other people. K and I were just minding our own business jumping and acting crazy when all of a sudden K2 is yelling "Steamroller!!" and then I almost died. He ran right into my legs and I had no where to go. I suppose I could have jumped over him but I didn't have enough time to really contemplate possible escapes and I ended up getting run into. Avoid steamrollers. Lesson learned.
They didn't stay long because they were going to see the new Jackass movie. Jackass isn't really my cup of tea and I'm not sure how I feel about it in 3D but everyone that has seen it has said great things about it so I guess I'll check it out sometime. Anyway, big J invited us to his friends house for a bonfire. All you have to say is bonfire and C and I are basically on our way.
We had only been to R's house once before and the neighborhood looks much different in the day time then it did at night... So big J tried to give us directions...only he got confused about which way we were coming from and said there was a stop sign where there wasn't one...but that's ok because we made it. Not so big J and H were there too which was awesome because I feel like it had been years since we last hung out with them.
We're not at the fire for long when the boys start talking about going to goat mountain again. Of course we want to go! It's decided (even though every time we talk about going there I remember when big J said he wouldn't go back there at night ever again and yet we keep going...) so big J and not so big J head over to big J's to get some things for the mountain trip.
Of course we shouldn't have let them leave alone. Now we have to wait for boy time. Be right back really means I'm gonna take forever for no real reason and I will have absolutely no explanation for why I was gone so long. Seriously though, the fire was almost dead by the time they finally came back. Silly boys...
We head to plaid to get nourishments (even though big J brought us all some energy drinks) and C and I decide to use the bathroom while we're already here so we can cut down on the amount of squatting we do. I steal some tp to take up to the mountain with us too, just in case. We always need it and we never seem to have it readily available.
The guys try to plan. Not so big J is in his Jeep. Big J goes to his passenger side window and starts talking about the plan. Talk talk talk plan plan plan hey is your window down? Yes, he really did just talk to not so big J for that long and not so big J didn't hear any of it because his window was up. Ha!
We drive and drive and drive. Back roads, exploration, find some hoopty who de whos (big J 's words) and drive down a road that clearly hasn't been driven down in a long time and is pretty well over grown.
You know, I think it's weird that stores start selling Christmas stuff before they even put Halloween stuff out. I mean, there are 2 holidays before that! I always think it's ridiculous. You know what's more ridiculous? Hearing an old ass 'NSync Christmas song in October. Even funnier: the song was on big J's ipod and he was definitely singing along. With enthusiasm.
We take a little break on the overgrown road and C takes the opportunity to use that tp I snatched earlier. Good thing I grabbed that. She chooses the weirdest place to pee and is fairly certain the other Jeep had a view of her cooca but I don't think anyone was paying attention. It's not like anyone expects her to crouch off somewhere in the bushes. Not on this mountain, no sir.
We explore the roads some more and the guys find the perfect place for them to play in some mud. A couple of small cookies and then we head straight for that mud wall and we drive nowhere straight up for a minute. Ok, maybe not straight up....but it was a good 70 or 80 degree slope. There were a couple of times we thought we might get stuck but that didn't happen.
Explore some more roads. Bypass a closed gate. The gate was closed yes, but that path over there was totally open and just happened to lead to the same road as the one behind the gate. Drive, explore, rock out to random music. We try to head back exactly the way we came but as it turns out the way we came in isn't the best way back out. There is a big stump in the way and with all the mud big J doesn't have the best traction and is having trouble getting up the hill without coming scarily close to the stump. And then suddenly the stump is right outside C's window. We decide to escape the Jeep while big J works on getting past this obstacle. She crawls out her window because she can't open the door with that stump in the way and I crawl over to the opposite side of the Jeep and crawl out the other side since I can't open my door either what with that mud wall in the way and all.
Not so big J and big J try to figure out a way around this stump and C, H and I wander around the area and find a path that seems a little less....stumpy, hilly, scary, muddy. We tell the boys. They try to continue what they're doing. We become more insistent. Ok, H became more insistent. She lights the path with her flashlight and guides the guys past the big rocks and back onto a drivable path where we can all hop back in the Jeeps and finally head home.
I'm this close to wanting my own Jeep. Gas prices keep that out of my head though.

You'll learn to love them

I went to dinner with C and M at a teriyaki place. The waitress there was super nice...but super weird. I've never seen an orange fro on a girl before...
We sit and C starts talking about how gross her uniform for work is. Not realizing there is a child only 2 tables away she drops the f bomb. Loudly. I can see the little girl and her mom in the reflection of the window. The girl has her hand covering her mouth and her mom looks angry. C hides her face and M laughs. The girl is still holding her hand over her mouth. For probably 3 minutes we sit awkwardly avoiding eye contact while the little girls stares right at C with her hand over her mouth in shock.
Then she says "I don't like bad words"

My not so slick friend L

L and I went to dinner at Olive Garden because her coworkers keep talking about the never ending pasta bowl and L has yet to EVER try that out. I love their bread sticks and salad so of course I want to go.
She tells me the story about how she worked at this very Olive Garden for about 4 seconds as we walk in. We put our name on the list and wait for a table. We see a girl walk out to take a call and laugh at the way she walks in those ridiculously tall heels. Yes, I do love heels. Yes, I do own ridiculously tall ones. But this girl is taking teeny wobbly steps. It's clear she can't walk in those shoes. She basically looks like she has peg legs. Yea yea, I know I shouldn't make fun of people. But when you walk around like the peg leg/arm man on Family guy, I'm gonna.
It's finally our turn to be seated and the timing couldn't be better. Peg leg came back in and is walking just in front of us so I get to watch her peg her way through the restaurant. It just so happens her table is the one directly behind ours. For someone that wants to wear those heels I would expect less slouching and wall hugging....
We order and enjoy our food even though we're told the never ending pasta bowl ended the day before. L and I agree that our waiter is indeed cute. The time comes to pay and I tell he she should leave her number for him. She remarks about how well that's worked out for me in the past and she lays that sarcasm on thick. My bad experiences do not mean it will always be that way. I'm persistent. She finally starts to write...and stops with just her name on the paper. I keep pushing. She writes her number. All that's left is to put it in the check holder and leave. But she's having trouble getting that small piece of paper into the check holder. I've never seen anyone have so much trouble putting a piece of paper down. It's in, then it's back in her hand. Almost there, then not even close. Out. In. Out. In. Then she panics. Apparently the cute waiter is right behind me. I tell her just put the paper down and we can leave. He won't know the number is there until he picks it up. She freaks out and closes the check holder and gets up. I grab my purse to follow and realize we left our to go boxes. All I say is "oh food" and when I turn around L is already rounding the corner to go outside. She deserted me. Chicken.
I grab our leftovers and head to the door. Which she is already out.
I find her outside laughing like a crazy person. I make fun of her for being crazy. She laughs some more. We walk to the car and she's still laughing. So am I. We drive back to my house laughing the whole way. At one point I put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing so hard and I ended up hitting the horn with my elbow, thus drawing attention to us and making us both laugh even harder. Awesome.
We decide to jump on the trampoline once we finally make it back to my house and stop laughing. We gotta jump off all those calories we just consumed. Though I think all that laughing might have taken care of that.
Jumpjumpjumpjumplaughlaughlaughlaugh whoops peed a little. Ew we're gross.
Stop with the judgey eyes! Trampolines make people pee.

Shopping and scaring

I woke up Saturday rested and feeling great. I grabbed my phone and saw a missed call and 4 texts. I look at the time. 12:30?? Crap! I was supposed to meet L and R half an hour ago! Oh my...I suck. 2 of the texts are from them. I text them both frantically to say I'm on my way. Brush my teeth, contain my wild bangs, put on the first thing my hands touch in the closet and I'm running out the door. Wait...why is C still asleep? In the middle of the day.... She usually gets up at the butt crack of always too early. Oh well. I'm mega late. Gotta go! (Btw she was napping and had in fact been up since the butt crack of no way in hell will I be up at that time on a weekend)
We meet at a self serve yogurt place that just opened by my house. It's 2 stop lights away from my house and I'm almost a whole hour late. Ugh. (btw anyone that hasn't tried a self serve yogurt place...go now! Soooooo good!)
L and R are already eating some deliciousness when I get there (they should be already done with how late I am) so I grab a cup and start serving. Instead of my usual chocolate with chocolate everything I get some swirl ice cream and pile strawberries on top. L sees this when I sit down and asks if I'm still sick. Yes, I do love chocolate and yes I will eat it for breakfast but is it really so shocking that I would choose strawberries over chocolate syrup for my ice cream? Oh, it is? I can see that actually. Yea. Moving on.
While finishing our yummy breakfast we see a giraffe walking outside. Wait...what? It's Geoffrey the giraffe from Toys R Us. Why is he here? The closest Toys R Us is waaaaaaay not close. We decide to investigate. We walk through the rain to find Geoffrey and his helper girl. They way he is walking makes him look so sad. I really want a giant costume like that. I'm pretty sure they're awesometastic.

Awesometastic right?
His helper girl gave us some sopping wet from the rain flyers and points us in the direction of the brand new Toys R Us. Yes, we must go check it out. I bet they have nerf guns and  hula hoops! We waste no time and head straight there. The place is clearly brand new. There are still boxes around and workers are unpacking and setting up and arranging. We take our time looking around. I almost cause a teddy bear avalanche. L thinks she breaks a toy and walks away. R fixes it. It wasn't actually broken. She just changed it's language to french somehow. We leave and L talks us into going to JoAnn Fabrics. They have Halloween stuff L justifies to us. We are assaulted with the strong odor of way too many candles as soon as we get in the door. We look at everything and leave with nothing. R tries to go out the in door and it won't open. Suppose L and I could have opened it for him instead of just standing and laughing. Since we're over here we decide to check out the Ross next door. When did all of these awesome stores move in? R indulges us and walks with us while we look at shoes. We start to walk back to our cars and L talks us into going to the haunted corn maze that night. I haven't been to a haunted anything since the barbed wire man incident and I am very reluctant to do this. R is scared too. We agree to hold each others hands the whole way through since L will probably just laugh at us. She is way too happy about talking us into this.
Since we're going, we'll need boots because if I remember correctly that maze gets pretty muddy and it's been raining all morning. We make a plan. Drop R off. L and I will shop for boots and pick him up later for the maze. Ready. Set. Shop!
The boot finding adventure takes hours. Not just because we're girls but because rain boots are expensive and we are determined to find a deal. We try Target first. We figure they'll be cheap there. $25 for the cheapest and they don't have a very good selection. Next we go to Famous Footwear. They have hardly any rain boots and the ones they do have are like $60. Moving on. We try Payless. They have 2 pairs and the price breaks down to the cheapest so far if we do it BOGO style and split the payment. But they only have the 2 pairs. We decide to keep looking. Head to Ross. Score! Cute plaid pairs and plain black ones in our sizes. Options and they're only $16! Hell yes! Oh wait...They fit weird. Like really weird. There is tons of room down at the ankle and they are so tight on both our calves that we couldn't tuck tights in there, let alone the jeans I was hoping to wear to the maze. Keep looking. We head to Fred Meyer because L remembers them having a sale on the boots we're looking for. Score! Boots! So many choices! And is that a sale sign? Kick ass. I pick polka dots. She chooses bees. We decide to look around at other stuff since I need to pick up a couple other things anyway. We find socks. Amazing socks! We discuss. We need tall socks to wear with our boots. And these are awesome and go with our boots...kind of. Then we make fun of ourselves. Are we really planning cuteness to go get dirty? Ha, yes we are. Silly girls. Oh...that lady is laughing at us. Nope, laughing with us. She understands us. We finally make a sock selection. Then we realize we're not even picking pairs. It's a pack of 4 intentionally mismatched socks. For $10. No. We can't justify that. Put them back. Goodbye socks! Our boots cost $25 by the way. The same we would have paid if we bought them at our first stop. However, we had way more options to choose from so justified.
Go home and put our new boots on. We're both in love with our boots. And actually I'm kind of jealous of L's bee pair. They are super cute... C puts on some skate shoes and we head out to get R.
Walking to the line turns out to be more difficult that we thought. Well, not for me and L. Our new boots are amazing for walking in the mud. We don't even have to avoid the puddles! In fact, we intentionally walk through them just because we can. It's so freeing! C and R are having some trouble though. C almost walks out of her shoes a couple of times because they get stuck in the mud. R is just kind of sliding around. It's quite funny to watch actually.
We stand in line for tickets. L bought hers online for cheaper and gets to go in a special line that goes much faster than the one R and I have to wait in. We can see the hauntiness in the distance and start to scare ourselves. We're nervous. But the sign says ages 6 and up. It can't be that scary if 6 year olds can handle it. Look! There are kids every where. We'll be fine. Get tickets and move to the next line. Then we start to get even more freaked out. From where we are now we can hear people screaming. R and I turn into Shaggy and Scooby. He even says "zoinks!" when he hears the chainsaw. Apparently he is not ok with chainsaws. I'm not ok with the creepy little girl voice singing that creepy song behind all that corn over there.
Then R slips out of the fear stage and into acceptance. I'm still scared. I keep flashing back to barbed wire man. We're finally in and walking through the maize (yes, they spell it that way because it's in a corn field. Clever clever). L is gung ho ready to go. R is no longer scared and C is laughing at my scaredness. I make sure I am attached to someone at all times.
The thing I find creepy about things like this is the way the actors will get so close and just follow you around. Like all those scarecrows. And those zombies. R breaks up the tension by making jokes and it helps to keep, at least me, calmer. "Good morrow adventurer!" he shouts at a creepy guy.
We make it to a corner where people in front of me slow down. I only take in the scene for about a second. I see white. I see an actor crouched and then move slightly and I can tell he's furry. Suddenly my mind is making up it's own story. The white corner is now a web and crouched guy is now a giant spider. I use C as a human shield, hiding behind her as push her in front of me and I scream and round the corner. I let go of her and take off running with tears streaming down my face. C, R and L come up behind me and ask if I'm ok. I stutter something about spiders and they say something like "what spider?" and now I feel really moronic. That guy wasn't even a spider. I just used my friend as a shield and am crying for absolutely no reason. Now I'm laughing. This is exactly the reason I shouldn't participate in these kinds of things. I tell R not to worry. They're funny tears. It's all good.
We get to a dark passage way and I find out just how awesome my friends are. All I have to do is ask what's in there. R reports back from the lead position he's taken. "Spider room". Without missing a beat L tells me to grab her waist and close my eyes. C grabs my waist from behind me and together they lead me through my nightmare.
We make it safely through the maize. Then find more trouble trying to walk back to the car. My friends need some boots. Slidey slidey slidey.
Thank God that's over.

Ladies night + karaoke

C and I bought snacks for ladies night. We were just setting everything up when A got to the house. She was really excited about the technicolor daisies. K showed up next with a bottle of wine. She then remembered the last time she brought a bottle of wine over and I didn't have a corkscrew and it was a disaster so she asked if I had one. Lucky for her, I did. Because of what happened last time... I fish it out and give it to her and keep talking to A. Then there's a snap and K looks shocked. What happened? She broke my corkscrew. The metal screw is in the cork and not attached to the thing in Ks hand. She broke it. Well now what? Like last time she reaches for a knife. First she grabs a sharp one and then thinks of safety and grabs a butter knife instead. Push the cork in? No, that's not gonna work. Pull cork out? No...that's not working either. Chip the cork away one teeny bit at a time? Sure why not. C and I sit back and watch and A and K try to get the wine open. The discussion sounds like this: "Yea, but don't break that. I already broke that." Somehow they get the broken corkscrew looped to the cork and K says "they're screwing!" Clever! Ha! Get it? Cuz it's a corkSCREW? Hahahaha! One of them holds the bottle while the other pulls the cork. I got stuck in the corner and can't get away. I want to get away because everything that's happening doesn't seem safe and the last time K and I went through this the bottle definitely broke and there was a little glass to pick up. Just like that the wine is open! A gets splashed in the face by the wine though. And a little splatters on the chips. Well now I can't have chips. So I bake some cookies.
The rest of the girls show up and we talk while I bake cookies. We tell stories about naked neighbors (poor L and K), watching neighbors get arrested (at least 4 now...) and the troubles of living on a base. C tells us about the time she had to call the cops to try and save someone and the dispatcher acted like it wasn't that serious. We talk about mosquito eaters and spider killers (some of whom are non killers and quite rude).
K and A start to make a trophy for no reason. A garbage trophy. We're all class all the time people. The couch, AKA C's bed, is littered with trash. Candy wrappers, crumbs and now we're adding glow stick garbage. I got a killer deal on glow bracelets/necklaces in the Halloween aisle so of course we have to make glow crowns.
We have scary (not really) movies on in the background. They're playing on tv so all the cursing is dubbed over to be less "threatening" or something for children or something. The guy on tv says "we're gonna kill this mother father!". Oooh, scary.
Of course we do some jumping and ranting and a lot of laughing but eventually everyone heads home for the night. For some reason at this point in the night my notes (yes I keep notes for this blog. If I didn't I would forget most things and I got tired of always asking other people what I did over the weekend and I bet they were getting tired of it too) say raining whoppers and I have absolutely no idea why. Note to self: make blog notes more specific. I feel like we're missing out on gold here. But maybe not.
It wasn't too late by the time the last girl left so C and I decide we might as well head to karaoke. What's a Friday night without getting creeped on right?
We get to the bar and one of the first things I see is a couple coming out of the bathroom area together. Pretty sure they were up to no good back there. They're both smiling in a way that totally gives them away. They don't get too far when the boy turns around to go back and I assume clean up or something. She just waits for him around the corner with that totally relaxed happy smile on her face. Man this place is so classy. Boy comes back and they start for the door when the manager man comes up and starts to ask about girls age. Now that he says something she does look a little young. Boy laughs. Apparently they're married and have 2 kids and she gets carded everywhere they go even though she's 23. Why am I listening to all of this?
Look around the bar and take in the scenes. Pretty sure I just watched the new bartender rub a pink feather tickler on that womans crotch. Why are we here?!
Someone is singing and the song starts skipping...and so do the words on the screen. That's less than helpful. The new bartender yells "this is fuckin wack KJ!" Singer spills his beer on himself. New bartender walks around and starts dancing and acting crazy. Pretty sure I like her. Before C and I can properly discuss what's happening brother J comes and booty bumps on C and she almost falls off the stool. Everyone laughs.
Someone mumbles through Bobby Brown. We go outside for some fresh air (ok they go out to smoke and I go out for fresh air) and a guy walking outside at the same time says "tis the season" and I think of what? Then he says the rain finally came. Oh....right. That season.
KJ starts packing up the karaoke stuff and we get ready to leave. But then we're peer pressured into going to HJ's house for a little bit before we go home. We're promised it's close and we don't have to stay long. Fine fine. It is Friday and I don't have to be up early so why not. KJ rides with us since we don't know where we're going. He gives directions even though we end up following his brother. And he gives the wrong directions. We're following someone and he gives me the wrong directions. Yea they're turning but you don't want to turn. Keep driving. Oh no, wait, they were right. Turn around. We have to turn where they turned. When will I learn to not let drunk people tell me where to go? We make it there safe and sound despite that.
We're greeted by a lick happy dog. The worst kind. Besides the bite happy I suppose...Girl M warns us that these guys are dirty horny old men. We've met at least one of them before. We're aware. They're not really paying attention to us anyway. HJ is outside and we're inside talking and petting lick happy. HJ tells us to be quiet. He has his angry face on. Then he turns on really loud music. Uh huh...
Time to leave comes (after we're offered fresh made BLT's....which are tempting but bed is way more tempting) and we head to the car. The first thing C and I do once we get in the car is to put on our still super glowy glow crowns. Of course we brought them with us. They'll light our way home.

Rocky start

I barely made it home from work Thursday. I was fine on 80th. I vividly remember looking at the crack head walking down the street thinking "damn her face is busted!" and before I made it to 81st I was realizing how hot it was and I had to roll down the window. I of course hit the red light at 82nd and had a sudden need to stick my head out the window. That's when I caught sight of my reflection in the side mirror. Bah! Scary! Sweat was everywhere. My cheeks were bright red but the rest of my face looked pale. And then my mouth started to water. Not the good kind of water like when someone puts chocolate in front of my face. The kind that means get your ass to a toilet/garbage can/sack/anywhere but in your car. This is when I had a talk with God.
Oh lord please....Please God....I don't want to throw up in my car...please Jesus....
Then I tasted grossness. Which made me gag. I looked straight up and swallowed air. I took deep breaths. I counted the seconds as I waited for that damn light to change. It didn't work. I gagged twice more before the light changed. Petal to the medal! And another red light. I was terrified I wasn't going to make it home. I rode the next 17 blocks with my head hanging out the window like a dog and wondering why on earth I felt so light headed. I recounted everything I ate that day. A bagel with cream cheese. A piece of pizza with root beer. I'm willing to bet the pizza did this to me...
I make it to the house. Before I get the door closed behind me my sweater is already on the floor. Off comes the left shoe as I take a step to my recliner. I pull off my rings and the other shoe comes off with the next step. My purse falls off my arm just as I collapse into the chair. I put my head between my knees and talk to God again when C comes inside. I tell her I feel sick and she sends me out back for cool fresh air. I sit down and notice that my arms are blotchy. They're all red and sweaty and blotchy. What the heck...C asks if I want some ice water and I think that does sound nice. I hear her get the cup and put some ice in. Before the faucet turns on I'm running to the bathroom. That mouth watering feeling is back and this time I'm not trapped in my car.
Thank God for that! After talking with God some more on the white porcelain phone I put pjs on think about how much I hate being sick. The next 6 hours are basically a preview of hell. Hot, sweaty, gross, painful.
C made bbq boneless ribs, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn on the cob for dinner. We planned that meal and were both so excited for it. Now I couldn't eat any of it. The smell made me slightly queasy. The sight of it made me sad because I knew it tasted so good and I would love it but at this moment my body wouldn't let me even pretend. Food was the enemy right now.
I crawled into bed hoping I would feel better by the morning.
When I woke up I knew I wasn't going to shower. I wanted as much sleep as I could possibly get. I felt ok enough to get up for work but I didn't feel normal. I still didn't feel up to eating so I packed something to have for lunch and headed to work. The drive is when I decided I would ask if I could leave work early. My body started doing that hot when I'm so cold I have goosebumps and sprinkle some blotchy skin on top of it all thing. Traffic didn't bother me because I was only focused on breathing and containing my forearm sweat. I made it to work and went through my morning routine. I figured I would feel better as the day went on. Until I was at my computer and my mouth started watering and my stomach did gymnastics. I ran to the bathroom. Never before has that bathroom seemed so far away. By the time I made it there I was dizzy and I had to fight the urge to collapse to the floor. The fact that it's not a private bathroom is what grossed me out enough to stay on my feet. All the running and thinking somehow distracted my body enough to keep me from throwing up. Thank freakin God. I asked T if he could come in and cover for me so I could go home and be sick there. It would take him a little bit to get there but I could make it. Slow movements and deep breathing got me through the time, though I did make a couple more jogs to the bathroom. Why is it so far away? Somehow I didn't throw up.
T showed up to relieve me and he looked miserable. We were replacing my sick ass with another sick ass. I didn't even really care. I was just so excited to get home where I could lie down and sleep and be close to a bathroom. Leaving in the middle of the day meant no traffic to get in my way and I was home in 20 minutes. 5 minutes later I was in pjs and laying in my bed with a cup of water with a fan blowing cool air on my blotchy sweaty gross face.
Then I'm waking up and it's almost 3. Whoa. I get up and feel slightly dizzy but mostly normal. I decide I should try to eat. I only try mashed potatoes and gravy. Delicious but I can only eat a few bites. I can tell if I eat any more it will definitely end bad. Damn...I wanted that corn on the cob too and I am definitely starving. Oh well. At least I could finally eat something. I veg out on the couch and watch tv for a little bit. Then my friends start texting me. We had a girls night planned for tonight. I feel ok enough to hang out at the house for the night so I don't cancel. I force myself to shower since I'm sure I look disgusting. After getting clean and putting on makeup I feel more like myself then I have in the past 24 hours. Stupid sickness...

Random Trampoline Party

What started as one person coming over to hang out turned into a party before I knew it. I got home from work and M was just getting out of her car. C opened the door for us and we had girl talk for a bit before anyone else came over. Apparently I'm the only girl I know without boy drama. I might get lonely sometimes....but I am so happy to be single when I see my friends dealing with their men and problems and misunderstandings. Of course, you don't always have to have a boyfriend to have boy drama. M ended up leaving before anyone else came over to go home and deal with the fun drama.
L and brother A came over next, with some fast food in hand to share. Awesome. Not too soon after K and K2 made it over, with a different kind of fast food in hand to share. Double awesome. After eating (and after I put some sweat shorts on under my dress) we headed straight out to the trampoline. K2 really wants to try and do some flips on my trampoline. If it was in awesome condition I would totally have no problem with it but seeing as how it's just not really safe for anything other than normal type jumping I just don't want to take the risk of the thing collapsing on my daredevil friend.
I decide to take my "work clothes" off and put on better jumping clothes. Keep the shorts I slipped on earlier and add a giant white tee. I hear K2 yell something and I wander to the back door to see what happened. Apparently a spring had shot off the tramp and hit the roof. Spare me the safety lectures.I'm fixing it as soon as I get paid ok?
I don't even notice I'm still wearing my boots until I'm back outside. They're my ninja boots anyway which basically means I have to jump in them.
L and I jump together. She makes me nervous because she likes to try to make me fall. And she laughs all evil like while she does that. After she makes brother A take some pictures of our jumping I hop off and head inside for some water and to check my phone to see if A is on her way.
We watch brother A jump for a while. He decides to jump then sit and get back up. Only he's a big kid so when he gets to the sit part....he totally hits the ground with his butt on the trampoline. We all laugh. 
K and K2 end up having to leave because K2 has a headache that just won't quit. Of course 2 minutes after they leave A finally makes it. We walk out the back door and apparently she missed all my facebook status updates relating to the trampoline and she yells at me. "Why didn't I know about this?!" Her face is as excited as a 5 year olds. I love her. I tell her to hop on but she says she cant because she's scared. So she just kind of hugs one end. C comes outside and jumps for a little bit. Brother A ends up going to the store and I ask him to bring me chocolate because if you're going to the store and ask me if I want something that's probably what I'll ask for.
I finally get A to jump. Er....try to jump. She gets on the trampoline and as soon as I jump once she's down. We're all laughing. I give her a minute to get up but she doesn't so I decide I'll just make her jump by jumping really close to her. She totally gives up on getting up. More laughter. I stop jumping and she gets up. We laugh some more. She starts to jump but they are the smallest jumps ever. The grasshoppers are laughing. I can hear it. Ok, not really. Before I know it she's down again. I'm laughing again.
Brother A comes back and I waste no time digging into my Twix. Mmmm tasty. I jump some more with L and C. Eventually L and brother A have to head back home. C, A and I head inside to cool off, even though inside is warmer than outside. Whatever.
We watch Americas Next Top Model because it was recording when we came in and a) I've watched this show since season 1 religiously with my mom and b) it's funny to watch. Especially this episode. They made the girls walk on a runway....with moving conveyor belts! It was so funny to watch these super skinny girls try to walk on basically a long treadmill without even getting to kind of practice first. So funny! They stumbled, almost fell, turned in circles and basically made total asses of themselves. One girl even said she was so embarrassed she would rather go through natural child birth again before doing that runway.
This show is totally ridiculous and my eyes hurt when I'm done watching from rolling them so much at all the nonsense, but I like to laugh at it and watch it for entertainment, not because I'm rooting for the girls or because I think anything they do on ANTM has anything to do with the actual fashion world.
A said she wanted ice cream so I talked her into going grocery shopping with C and I. An ice cream trip would have been much quicker but I like adventures so we went for adventure instead of quick. I didn't realize how long our grocery list was until we were shopping. Sorry about that A!
I think she had fun though, because she spent a lot of time laughing at C and I. Apparently the way we shop is amusing to her. We do kinda shop like married people though...
We were all pretty much done for the night by the time we got back from the store. Even though I got some ice cream and A got some ice cream with magic chocolate shell, we just said goodbye for the night. I thought for sure I was awake enough for a small bowl of ice cream but when I heard C calling me from the living room and I realized I had just fallen asleep laying diagonally on my bed, on top of the blankets, with the light on, I knew it was time for bed.
I am definitely looking forward to having some of that ice cream before dinner tonight though. Because I'm an adult and I can spoil my dinner if I want. But I won't. I'll just cleanse my pallet with deliciousness.
Or something.

Walking and mowing

When I woke up Sunday I thought for sure I was on my death bed. My alarm went off around 9:30. I had to go to the AIDS walk with my company and C needed a ride to her friends house to help set up for a childs birthday party. I am so thankful I showered the night before because it is not going to happen right now. Picking up my phone to turn the alarm off hurts. I look at my hands and it looks like they're bruised. Oy vey.
We get in the car and I find out that steering hurts too. My poor arms. And hands. I drop C off and head downtown to meet my coworkers. We do the AIDS walk every year and I'm already awake. I might hurt but I'm already up and I just can't miss the walk again (I missed it once before) so I tell myself it will be over before I know it.
I park at the lot I park at for work. It's a ways away from where the walk starts but I'm already going to be walking, and parking for free is the best so whatever. I try to stick close to the max tracks so if a max comes I can just hop on and ride to the square. No max, keep walking. No max, keep walking. I turn and turn again and 3 blocks from the square I'm heading to, I see the max. Pass me. Awesome.
I get to the square and hope to see some breakfast but I don't see any so I head to the other side of the square where our team meets up. I only see a few people. My boss hugs me hello. She's excited to see me because this years group is so small.
My entire upper body is killing me and we still have about half an hour before the walk starts so I zombie my way through the next 30 minutes. I lean against a wall, crouch near the ground. I feel drunk. I'm exhausted and so ready to go back to bed. Are those tie dye jeans?! You are awesome sir. At least there are a lot of fun things to see here.
Finally the walk officially starts. They kick off the walk with a marching band. I love the sound of cadence and it really helps keep you motivated. I wonder if they have CDs of  just marching band music. That would make good work out music. Or maybe that's just my zombie brain talking.
I wish I could remember more to tell you about the walk but my brain was off for most of it so that's basically all I remember. That and contemplating skipping off early from the walk since it ended up going right near my car. Why didn't I? I have no idea.
I made it home around 12:30. I changed into lawn appropriate clothes and went to finish mowing. My hands were killing me and I was sore all over but I had to finish. I don't often have a lot of free time and with over half the back yard to finish still I had to get to it.
I find some more praying mantises. One was almost totally white. Weird. I get to the far left side of the yard and I can see grasshoppers jumping all over the place. I push the mower towards the tree near the fence and somehow spot a ladybug on one strand of tall grass. I know ladybugs are good luck so I pull the mower back. Then I watch a grasshopper jump to the wall on the other side of my fence. I take a closer look at the wall and it has grasshoppers all over it. At least 12 of them at that moment. All taking refuge from the killer mower on that wall. It makes me happy because I hated the thought of killing all those lil guys.
I have to move the trampoline to get the last big section. No easy feat in overgrown grass with broken hands and arms but some how I did it.
Mow mow mow.
Mow some more.
Mow mow mow.
Too much mowing. I can't mow one tiny spot because there are slate stepping stones in the middle of the yard and they are unevenly planted and too far from the house for the weed eater to reach so there's a slightly phallic shaped section of grass out there...too bad landlady! I am not going to cut that by hand.
I hit a rock and hear the mower protest so I turn it off and run away. Well stomp away really. I'm just too exhausted for normal emotions any more. I drink a glass of water, turn on the AC and calm down so I can head back out to finish.
The closer I get to being done the more I can feel the pain in my hands and body. Once all the grass is finally mowed I have to move the trampoline back. Problem is it doesn't want to move. I pull, I push, I tug, I scream, I might cry a little, I try to pull it from side to side. Now I'm just pissed. I want to be done. I let out a hulk like roar and suddenly the trampoline is moving and it's not going to stop until it's where I want it. Adrenaline is awesome.
I throw my gloves off onto the chair outside and stumble inside. I'm in complete breakdown mode now. I can't handle my emotions, and combined with my exhaustion I'm basically doomed. I get my shoes and (grass stained) socks off in the kitchen so I don't track dirt and dead bug guts into the house and then I completely give up and I'm laying on the floor sobbing.
I was there for at least half an hour before I could finally muster the strength to shower. Again, I was too shaky after my shower to try to put make up on. Good thing I don't have anywhere to be.
Guess who doesn't ever want to mow again? This chick.

Saturday with a side of pain

First things first. I had to fix the trampoline. Wait what? What trampoline? Well...I stalked craigslist for a long time until I found a trampoline for free. I had to disassemble it myself...and I would need to haul it. So K and her boyfriend went with and helped me. We went Thursday night. The guy was weird. He called me bunch of times to make sure I was still coming to get it, even though I made sure his wife knew I wouldn't be coming until after dark due to prior plans. He seemed confused as to why I would possibly want it in the dark. He calls me when I'm in my car to head to his house to make sure I'm still on my way. I say yes and he says he has to call this other guy and tell him he should go home. He told someone else they could come get it even though I already talked to him and told him I would come get it. I called him not 10 minutes before that to tell him I would be on my way. Seriously, 4 blocks from his house he calls me again to make sure I'm coming. As weird as he was he had set up a light so we could see what we were doing which was nice of him. We had to untie/cut the blue "protective" cover from the springs. That thing was beat to hell. No way that protected anyone from anything. By the time we finally got it apart and back to my house it was after 10. K and her boyfriend took off and I started to assemble. Yes, really. I've wanted one for so long there was no way I was going to have it right in front of me and not put it together! It took me a little bit to figure it out and then I was on a roll. Until I got to the end and figured out I had put the jumping mat thinger on upside freakin down (it was dark and late so gimmie a break!). Damn it. By now I was tired and sweaty so I just gave up and told myself I would fix it the next day. That ended up not happening. So I took advantage of a morning with no plans to get the trampoline fixed. C helped me take the thing off and reattach it right side up. We had a little issue with a couple of tough, not stretchy enough springs but got it done in basically no time. Of course we made sure it was right by doing some test jumping.
In the afternoon I head to grampys to borrow his weed eater. I have to take care of my lawn because my landlord is a big meanie. She said the neighbors are going to call the city on me if it gets any worse. Seriously? You mean the crack heads surrounding my house care about how tall my weeds are? You mean the guys that use a back hoe as a trash compactor for a dumpster shared by an apartment complex and at least 4 houses? Doubtful. And they're calling you? All my neighbors have my landlords number even though someone totally different owns ALL their houses? Whatever. You want me to take care of it then I will.
I get to grampys and pet his deaf blind dog hello when he finally notices I'm there. We talk politics for about 4 seconds and then he shows me the weed eater. Crap. It has to be plugged in. There is no way that's going to take care of my whole yard. Oh well. It'll do something. I think. Mom has a step stool at his house she needs me to bring to her so after a little time with grampy (I definitely need to spend more time with him. In fact he said something about how I know where he lives so I can come by whenever) I head over to moms with the stool riding shotgun. She only lives a couple blocks away so it takes no time at all. I walk in to her house...and she's not there. I set the stool down. Hmm...she must be walking the dog. I peek out the door to see if I can see her. Nope. Hey, what's this next to the door? A light saber?! Hells yes! I do a couple big swings complete with light saber sound effects in her living room. Then I can hear her through the window. I open the door and attack her with the light saber. Yep, I get my awesomness from her.
We make a quick trip to Mcdonalds. Yes, they're evil but sometimes when you get a craving you have to go for it and mom had a craving. I get a happy meal. For a girl please. It comes with a Strawberry Shortcake toy. That's exciting. I open the toy at moms. It's dirty. It was wrapped in plastic and then wrapped in plastic again and it still comes out dirty. Nice Mcdonalds. Real nice. On the bright side the dirty doll came with the tiniest pad of paper ever and a lil matching girly pencil. Adorable.
I make it home and start on the OUT OF CONTROL (according to my landlady) yard. I've never actually used a weed eater before and it's kind of fun. I can see spiders fleeing from the grass like crazy. That is creepy. But at least I'm scaring them. Too bad they're going straight to the house...
C asks neighbor C if he's home so we can borrow his lawn mower because doing the whole yard with this thing isn't looking promising. L comes over to jump on the tramp while I weed eat. She asks where C is and I assume she went to neighbor Cs for the mower. I'm proven right when she yells for me to unlock the gate. It's padlocked to keep out crackheads and creepers because I like to live on the edge.
The edge of sanity apparently.
He tells me when the lawn in long you have to go slow with his mower. So I get to go slow for acres and acres. Not really but it sure feels like it. C goes to get some gas for the mower and rockstars for us.
I try to start the mower. I've never had much luck with this...and I don't this time. I pull the cord, nothing happens. I widen my stance and pull harder this time. Still nothing. Make sure my feet are really planted to the ground...Pull the cord....and I'm on the ground. Well that's not how that's supposed to work. I give up. L starts it on her first try. Whatever. I'm weak apparently.
I start mowing. Understandably L leaves after a while. C starts using the weed eater on the areas it will reach. She weeds the BBQ (yes, it had weeds growing in it) and does all she can within the limits of the cord.
Mowing is not easy in my yard. Not only does it go on forever, this mower has to go slow and the lawn is pretty overgrown (but not eviction long...) and the ground is completely uneven so it's a process. I take 3 steps forward with the mower lifted up so it can trim then I pull the mower back to trim a little more and then I can finally push it forward flat to finish the mow for those 3 steps. I have to do that for the whole entire yard.
I get to the back of the yard and I see a praying mantis in the lawn in front of me. I mow around it. Grasshoppers are everywhere. I try to avoid killing them. Some are unavoidable. I know I kill one and I apologize out loud to it.
I'm not even half way done with the back yard and it's starting to get dark out (I started at 4 in the afternoon) so I move to the front yard because if I can at least get that part done then when my crazy landlady drives by (and I have no doubt that she will do just that) she can see that I'm at least trying. Effort counts for something.
I finish the front and its now officially dark out. I don't care. I keep mowing in the back. Until I just can't any more. My entire body is shaking violently and I smell like a homeless person from sweating for 4 hours.
I manage to get myself in the shower even though I can't hold a cup of water without spilling some. The shower is where I realize how bad my hands hurt. You know it's bad when lathering your hands is painful.
I have plans to go to Dukes again tonight with L and her coworker. I put on a dress when I get out of the shower because that's the easiest thing in the world to wear when you're feeling lazy. Since my arms are basically broken maybe I'm not being lazy, but smart. I think about starting my make up and as soon as I put lotion on I realize that's not going to happen. My hands are shaking way too much. There is no way I could control makeup application and I am not going out looking like a clown. I decide to sit down until L comes over to give my body a break. Maybe I can do makeup later.
L comes over early to wait for the text that tells her it's time to head to Dukes. I'm basically a zombie at this point. She tells me looking at me is making her tired. That's totally the effect I was going for. Goal accomplished. Way to go me.
Big J comes over so he and C can go get some ice cream. He invites L and I along for the ride. We are now on an ice cream mission! I can barely move so I don't even bother putting real shoes on. We're going to a drive thru anyway since Big J is craving a dipped cone from Dairy Queen. I leave the house in a bright pink dress and my slippers. Trend setter yall!
Big J asks me where the closest DQ is and of course I don't even have to think before I'm saying the cross streets. Good to know that even when I'm a zombie I still know how to get to DQ.
On our way we see the UFO Response Team. No idea who they are but that is what the car said.
Bad news. When we get to DQ, it's definitely closed. Damn! So we head to another one. Drive drive drive. Get to the second DQ. The sign says open. Yess! Victory! We park to go inside to see Cs brother who works there. As we walk to the door a worker turns off the open sign. Crap! We run back to the car to hit the drive thru while we can. Only it's too late. They won't talk to us. Damn damn damn. I totally wanted a chocolate dipped cone.
Big J drives us back home and L and I go inside. We have some girl talk for a bit and when L finally gets the text to go to Dukes she has decided she's too tired to go now. And it's clear I'm not really up to it. She leaves and I crawl into bed.

Friday

For the first Friday night in October we headed back to our favorite dive bar to see KJ. I had a birthday party to go to at Dukes later in the night and karaoke starts around 9 so we headed there first. Or we tried to. Apparently it had been so long since we were last there we forgot how to get there. Don't judge.We just turned one main street too soon.
When we finally got there it was basically empty. We hugged KJ hello and rejoiced at the fact that creeper Dale was absent. I'm not trying to get creeped out by the inventor of creeping (yes, I am aware that he is not the creepiest and certainly not the inventor of creeping). We sit at the table by the door and watch people sing. There are about 6 people all together at the bar...so there aren't a ton of singers but people are singing...and some of them really shouldn't be. Like that chick... It's just for fun right? So who cares.
I start caring when that woman starts dancing like a stipper all up on the pool table. And then dropped it like it's hot. She is definitely too old for that....and this is definitely not the place to be dancing like that. Watch out. Dale might come in and get excited.
We hang out for a bit with KJ and FJ and before I know it it's time for me to head over to Dukes for N's b-day party. C was going to come with me but decided to stay behind with KJ. He needs company since he just went through a not so nice break up. I hate mean people....
I get a great parking spot right on the street in front of Dukes and head inside. I have a little bit of trouble finding N but when I do it's clear she is enjoying her party. In the drunk kind of way. We hug hello and she almost falls right off her stool. I love my coordinated friends. She shows me her "reserved" signs and tried to tell me something but it sounded like a foreign language. She looked confused for a split second when she realized what had just come out of her mouth and that I couldn't interpret what she was trying to convey and then she burst out into laughter, almost falling off her stool again. Awesome. Lot's of laughter.
KH is somewhere around so I try to find her so we can catch up for a minute. Her friend is a performer for the night and she's there for support. She's angled to have a perfect view of the stage. She tells me her friends set was cut short because of difficulties and miscommunications. We watch some girls ride the bull since she is sitting so close to it. I laugh the hardest, not when someone falls, but when a girl with a super teeny tiny mini skirt hops on (twice because the first hop failed and she slid right off) exposing her....self....to everyone looking. The bull controller man disappears and comes back with a towel for her to cover up with. He even tied it around her back to keep it on. She held on for a while. The towel did NOT help when she fell off. KH talks about her bachelorette party that she had here and how they were much meaner to her when she rode the bull. They're going all slow and steady for the girls riding tonight. Maybe they go based on the length of your skirt.
I head back over to N's party area and yep, she's still drunk. She asks if I want to help her look for the waitress so we wander around but I don't even know who I'm looking for so we go back to the tables and there's the waitress. Good timing. Before long the band on stage is calling N up to sing her happy birthday. Ahh, public humiliation, best served when drunk. She almost trips on a cord but this smart girl wore (sparkly!) flats so she recovers. They start normal. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you... And then they go with their own version.
I'm pretty sure the band just told her they hope she gets some.
I like this band.
I blink my eyes twice and it's an hour later and I have to get back to C and KJ. I hug N goodbye and head back to the bar. I will not forget which street it's on this time.
I get car stalked on the way there. You know, when a car is next to you and you can tell they're trying to get you to look over at them and they just keep pacing you? I looked. All bad. I am so not into you old weirdo man. Stop stalking me. I pretend not to notice him. Luckily the karaoke bar isn't too far away.
Bad news. Dale is there. In full creep mode. I can hear him before I even get out of my car. He's outside the far door smoking...so I pretend I have a very important text to send and sneak in the closer door. C tells me how he creeped her out while I was gone. He got there not too soon after I left. Lucky me.
An older man goes up to sing. What song is this? The best lyrics ever are being sung. "You can't drive around with a tiger in your car. You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd." Then he says some nonsense with no real words. C and I are cheering and laughing. As soon as he's done we make him high five in honor of the best song ever.
Dale starts walking to the front to sing. Somehow we successfully avoid him. This time...
C starts to tell me what he did when I was gone. He kissed her hand again. She started to text and he decided to mock her, pretending to say what she was texting. "I'm with Dale. He's hot but he's bald. He has nice hands and eyes but he's old." Oh yes, he's a creeper.
He gets done singing and grabs a rose from a table by the window and gives it to C. HAHAHAHA! Apparently those roses are leftover from a funeral...How nice.
She starts to tell HJ about this blog and I tell her not to...because Dale is close by and I don't know how technologically advanced his old ass is.
His loud annoying old white guy laugh rings through the whole bar. Ugh. We go outside so C and KJ can smoke. I tag along so I won't get caught alone with Dale.
On our way back in Dale calls Cs name. He asks her if she's going to sing. We mumble and shake our heads and walk inside. He comes in through the far door and starts his annoying off beat snapping. How can someone snap so loud?
For some reason I decide to pet Cs face. Her hair is soft. The man that sung the greatest song ever is singing again. Well, shouting....a new song at us. We have no idea what he's saying.
And then I feel a soft slap on my cheek. Huh. C slapped my face with the rose Dale gave her. We're weird.
Outside again, Dale reintroduces himself to me. Again. Like every other time I see him. I should start giving him fake names. He makes fun of me for wearing boots. They're not even heels. Flat boots. Apparently it's still too warm out for me to wear these. Thanks for the fashion tips creeper. I think the translation is "Why are you covering so much skin? You shouldn't wear boots because I want to see your legs young lady whos name I can never remember. Have we met? I'm Dale. I'm a creeper."
It's his turn to sing so he goes inside. I go back in to talk to C and Dale is giving us nail polish advice instead of singing. Dark colors for fall. You don't wear dark colors in the summer. Only fall and winter. WTF man?! During this conversation he shakes Cs hand at least 3 times. KJ has to remind him to sing in order to get him away from us. Thanks KJ. We start to formulate a plan to leave while he sings so he won't notice us leave. And then he dedicates his song to me. Oh boy. He snaps his loud snap while he sings. He mocks my laugh and modifies the song "Pride and Joy" just for me. "She's wearing gray suede boots".
S distracts us from the terror by telling us a story about his tattoo. "We end up on the floor. Yadda yadda yadda, I end up choking the guy out" said with basically no emotion. Like this is just something that happens from time to time in his life.
Man who sung the greatest song ever talks to us before he leaves. We tell him if he comes back and we're here he MUST sing that song again. Every time we see him. He laughs and slips into song. "You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd...cuz your wheel will get stuck in a buffalo turd! Hahaha I dropped that like an anvil!"
Suddenly Dale is next to me. I'm trying to text and he decides to mock me like he did with C. I put my phone back in my purse and he says "No, no you have to send this to your friend. Send this. Get ready. Send this." Uh...Cs phone is right in front of me so I pick it up and start a text to myself. I plan to use it for this blog. He has no idea that this isn't my phone or that I'm sending the text to myself. He says" Ok. I just met a guy named Dale. He has a great hat. You got that? Great hat. But he's too old for me. Hahaha Even though he's old..." Lots of slow old man loud laughter and then "even though he's old...He's got a great ass!"
And now I'm totally uncomfortable. I'm laughing my crazy nervous laughter. He finally walks away. Oh man that was scary. C and KJ are laughing. Funny. You know what the funniest part was? I'm not used to Cs phone so the text I sent myself basically made no sense. Want to see? Too bad, I'm going to show you anyway.
I judt met a guy named d;ale. He has a gre+ hat. But hes too old for me. Even thiugh hez old hes got  a great ass
Nice right?
KJ calls the next singers up. They don't seem to hear him. He calls them again. He has a microphone and there are now a total of like 10 people in the bar. They can definitely hear him. He asks again. One of the singers moves slightly closer. He waits a minute...They make it one table closer and then start talking to a boy. KJ calls them again and again and they don't even acknowledge him. I mean, they couldn't even just say oh hey, one sec. Nothing. So KJ says ok we're shutting down for the night then. Since the last singers don't want to sing. I say good call man. Now one of the girls is mad at him. She is way drunk. He says something about he called 400 times and no one said anything and she yells something like "well you should call us 400 and TWO times then. She quickly forgets and starts to tell a terrible drunk story to another drunk person. They decide to take shots. She yells loudly about a lemon and then I see her stick a whole lemon slice in her mouth. She makes a squinty face and says BLECH and then it looks like she tries to eat that boys shoulder. She definitely has her crazy eyes on. This is probably a good time to leave.