Yesterday was hard for me. It's going to be hard for me to write about, but I believe it's important to share the hard moments. It's important for me to let it out, to get things off my chest and to really feel the feelings when I have them. It's important to share the hard moments because, especially in more recent years, what we share publicly has become less and less real. What we share is more of a mask than anything.
We all talk about the good times, the fun times, the loving times. Rarely does anyone post about their down days, their depression, their anxiety, their fears , their struggles (at least in my carefully curated news feed and this excludes talking about current events). I have purposefully done this myself. I made the decision to write about fun things. I made the decision to be quiet and reserved about the hard times. I did this because I don't like to dwell on negatives. I don't want people to know every detail about my life. And, I've struggled with depression for a long time. There are a lot of ups and downs, but I don't want anyone to worry about me in the down moments because I know the ups are coming back. I don't...didn't want people to see my weaknesses. Honestly, I was a little worried about what other people would think if I was happy one day and depressed the next.
I know that sharing my tough moments could help someone else get through theirs. I know that getting things off my chest is incredibly powerful for me. I'm a very emotional person. I need a regular emotional release. In the last couple of months I've been feeling a lot but I haven't allowed myself to really feel the feelings. I've pushed them down or tried to brush them off. Allowing them to slowly build up...
So why was yesterday hard? Well for one, it was weigh in day. I've been focusing on my health for the last 6 months. I've made a ton of changes in my every day life. I trained for and ran my first 5K in the last 6 months. I go for walks on my lunch break. I eat less processed foods. I've been working hard. I decided early on to only weigh myself on the 1st and the 15th of the month. If I give myself some time between weigh ins, I feel better.
Until I don't...Because I gained back 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Reflecting back, yea, I earned a couple of those pounds. Knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. I felt like I have been working so hard for so long that I should be seeing more results, not going backwards. It's not like I was sitting around eating pints of ice cream, but I did take a few steps back. And those few steps made a big difference. Quickly. Which is terrifying.
First thing in the morning I weighed myself and was immediately disappointed in myself. When I originally decided to limit my weigh ins, I thought that it would be good because I had 2 weeks between weigh ins. That meant I could learn from my last weigh in if I was on the right track or if I needed to make some adjustments. That's exactly how it went the last few months. I had a few weeks in there where I didn't lose any weight or gained a pound and I was never devastated by it. I would just make a change in the days to follow. This time...Well you just can't predict your emotions. At least, I can't predict my emotions sometimes. I beat myself up mentally and thought of all the things I should have done differently.
I had gotten up early because on Wednesdays I have a meeting before work with some of the most amazing women I know. We meet weekly to motivate each other, learn from each other and to get our vibrations up. Traffic was light and I arrived early. Just as I sat down texts started coming in. A couple ladies were sick and weren't going to make it, one had to work and we decided to call it a "snow day". Now, I don't want these ladies to read this and feel bad. I could have easily convinced a couple of them to come even though half of us couldn't make it. In my overly emotional state, I just wasn't capable of reaching out in that way. I didn't even know I really needed it. I decided to have my own little meeting without them. I locked myself away and did a little meditation. I re-started a project after that. I tried to motivate myself but it just wasn't working.
Yesterday, my company attended an awards luncheon. I should have been excited and proud. Instead, I was focused on the weight I gained. I was focused on the fact that the shirt I wore didn't fit well. It was pulling across my chest weirdly and showing off my super sexy giant size nude colored bra through the little buttonhole. And then...my name tag lanyard somehow got butter on it. And I didn't notice until it had smeared grease stains all over my shirt. I knew that was going to happen. When I put the shirt on in the morning I thought about how easy it would be to stain and how much even a drop of water would show on that particular fabric. I wore it anyway, because it went with the skirt I wanted to wear. That was my gut, telling me to change my shirt, but I didn't listen. And now, here I was covered in butter like the fat ass I felt I was. So when we won (#1 baby!) I wasn't excited. Not like I should have been at least. I was mortified that I now had to walk up on the stage, in front of this room full of people, feeling like a big fat slob. I was completely ashamed of myself. I tried to hide in the pictures. I kept my head down as I walked back to our table, careful not to make eye contact with anyone.
My commute is never exactly fun. Living an hour away from work has been really taking a toll on me. Physically and emotionally. Of course, it's only an hour away if there's no traffic. And yesterday, there was an accident on the freeway that closed a lane. It took me almost 2 hours to get home. Along the way, I heard a song that reminded me of grampy. It reminded me specifically of the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye, and that I didn't get that chance because I didn't make the time. I was flooded with feelings of shame, anger, sadness and guilt. I cried. A lot. It was a long drive...
By the time I got home I was exhausted. I didn't want to do anything other than crawl into bed. Lucky for me, my boyfriend knows what I need in these moments. It's taken us years to really figure out how to help each other through tough days but he's got it nailed. I couldn't talk to him because everything in my mind was negative. I told him that, exactly. He said "Ok. Let's go to the gym." and started putting on his sneakers. I grumbled but knew I needed to go.
Usually, at lunch I walk for a couple of miles along the waterfront. I've been doing this for months and I've noticed on the days I don't, I don't have as much energy and I get a little crabby. With the luncheon earlier, I wasn't able to do that. I knew I needed some physical activity so I let my love pull me along. On the way I was planning on avoiding the treadmill. I thought I would just do the stair stepper. But...my boyfriend and I have been training together and it's nice to run along side him. So I got on the treadmill next to him.
The guy on the treadmill on the other side of me was wearing waaaaaaay too much cologne. I could taste it. I figured my bad attitude all day had put me where I was, so I decided to let it be and hope he left soon. In my head I was planning on just walking the whole time. I didn't feel like running. I didn't feel like pushing myself. But when that 5 minute mark came up, signifying the end of my warm up...I pushed the speed up and started running. I was only going to run for 5 minutes. Then for 10. Then 15 was totally going to be where I stopped, especially if the smelly guy next to me didn't leave. In my head was a constant back and forth.
"I can't do this."
"Yes you can!"
"This is pointless."
"Just a few more minutes!"
"I'm so tired."
"You can be tired and miserable or tired and proud."
I was my own critic and cheerleader. The cheerleader persevered. I ran faster than ever for 20 minutes without stopping. I felt better. Not great, but better. What felt the best was the fact that I did it even though I didn't want to. I could have quit. I could have stayed home. It would have been easier. But because I've been working at this for so long, I knew I couldn't give up.
It seems so silly to me now that I let such small things have such an effect on my day and my mental state. There are people that literally don't have legs and here I am thinking about this dumb stuff. There are people trying to find water to drink and I'm worried that my shirt has stains on it. There are people everywhere without food to eat, and I'm struggling with being overweight. I know in the grande scheme of things, I don't really have much to worry about. I know that I have an amazing life and I'm blessed beyond belief. I can know that deep down and still not really know it some days.
Usually I'm annoyingly positive and happy. I can see the bright side of almost anything. Usually, I would brush off my weight with a laugh. I love unexpected free time to myself! It feels like a gift. I love award ceremonies! I would normally poke fun at myself for being a messy eater. When I get stuck in traffic because of an accident I always take a moment to think about the poor people involved and hope they're ok then I find a good podcast to distract me while I wait.
I guess that's how my depression works. I'm happy and positive on the outside most of the time. Inside, I'm fighting a constant battle with myself. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I don't even recognize myself. I don't like that I have to go out into the world every day and show people my bloated, puffy self. I don't want my self worth to hinge on how I look. I've been working hard the last few years to change the way I see things. Despite my hard work, despite being with a man that tells me I'm beautiful all day every day, despite having days where I feel pretty good, I still struggle with this all the time. I can't see beyond it. It feels soul crushing and very real.
Here's the thing. Weight loss isn't easy. Life isn't easy. But that's what makes the journey so rich. I have good days, and I have bad days. We all do. The bad days can't define us. Yes, I was an emotional wreck yesterday, and yes it was hard to push through it. But the more often I push through these things, the easier they get. It's still not easy, but it's easier than it was. The bad times don't last as long as they used to, by a long shot. I can be my own cheerleader when I really need one and I'm not able to ask someone else.
Consistency is what gets you where you want to be. I hear that over and over again. So yea, I gained a few pounds back. Guess what? I'm still down a good number of pounds. More importantly, I can run for 20 minutes without stopping! That was literally impossible for me at the beginning of the year. I ran a 5K last month! That's amazing! Who knows what I'll accomplish if I just keep going. I will not give up. I will persevere.
I want to help others. I want to make the world a better place in some way. I have a lot I want to do with my life. Yesterday showed me that I still have a lot of work to do on me. I've been thinking about my path in this world. I've been thinking about what I can contribute to society. I may not have, or ever want, children, but that doesn't mean I can't impact the world in a great way. And I really want to do that.
I believe that I have something great to offer the world. I'm not ready yet. I think that right now is my time to take care of myself. To get myself ready for the things I will do in the future. Maybe, just maybe, sharing my struggles as I get myself ready for the life I want to live is exactly how my journey starts. Maybe it's just a good release for me. Maybe I annoy the crap out of a bunch of people. I don't really care. I'm doing what feels right to me.
