Saturday night in the woods...kinda

With a clean house and no where to be until the evening, I decide to go see Easy A. The theater was totally empty when I got there. I had the whole theater to myself for a movie I have been dying to see so I couldn't have been more excited. Especially since I didn't even have to pay to see it because I still had some gift certificates from Christmas. Hells to the yes. Private screening for me!
The movie was totally good by the way. Very funny.
I met A and S at their house at 7. I was supposed to be there at 6:30 but I got lost. Not really but kind of.
A drove me and S rode with their friend. We drove and drove. D and S bought a new house out in Sandy so we had a bit of driving to do. We make a pit stop at a small store for cigarettes. We are parked and A is looking in her purse for money when we hear someone yell.
"Hey sexy!"
Nope, not her husband or their friend or anyone she knows or I know. Just a truck full of dummies staring at us. Awesome.
We laugh and she keeps looking for money. I check my phone for texts. Anything to avoid looking at the truck. They keep yelling at us.
"Hello? Sexy? You guys wanna go to a party?"
Party? Shit...they better not be going to the same place. Finally A finds her money right as her husband and M pull up right beside us. She goes inside and the guys in the truck don't stop.
"Ooh look at her. Sexy. You wanna party? Hello?"
Then they see that I'm still in the car.
"Hey. Talk to us."
"What about?"
"Huh?"
This is why I don't date.
Eventually they deem me too boring to waste more time on and take off...way too fast. A comes back and we take off to party in the woods.
I have no idea where we are when we finally turn into D and S's driveway. I can't even see the house yet. The driveway goes up and up and around and around and then we can see the house. And the campfire...and a hot tub! Now I'm totally stoked.
We park with all the other cars and I slip on my flip flops. We say hi to the people we know on our way in. A talks with L inside for a bit while they set up some shots. We laugh when someone starts looking for someone and all they know is her name. You know. The girl. With hair. Helpful.
D gives us a tour of the grounds. Really. They have 10 acres. We follow the lit-with-solar-lights path to the top of the hill to find the camping area. An area of their land cleared of tall grass where friends have set up their tents or small trailers to stay the weekend. There are fun colored lights strung around and one tent has a multi-colored light hanging from the center. It kind of resembles a UFO. Kick ass.
We're told during the day, when it's light out, you can see valleys and hills for miles and miles and over that way you would see Mt. Hood and on nights when the moon isn't so full and bright the stars out here are just beautiful.
We head back to the house and eat some of the heaps of food in the kitchen. Chips, burgers, sausages, chips, chili, cheese....all kinds of yummy goodness. W shows off his war marks. He and J are having a marker war. W asks how I've been and we talk about how we should definitely have a hula party soon. Then J comes in and they mark fight some more. Scruffy men sure do look good with black and silver sharpie ink on their faces. And arms. And feet.
They ask the only question that matters. Game on or game off?
On. Always. Gimmie a sharpie damn it! They're too scared of me though and say I can't play.
Go outside and a couple of girls are climbing into the hot tub. The water is low because something broke in the move but it's still hot and relaxing so who cares. The girls demand drinks from one of their men and he comes back with ingredients instead of drinks. Cups with ice, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of juice. Some bartender...
D climbs in and S decides he will too...even though he doesn't have swim trunks. So he just strips down to his boxers and crawls into the hot tub. Bad Bartender goes and gets his fun light from his tent and throws it in the hot tub. Genius! Now it's like a colorful disco in there. Right as I start contemplating getting in I hear "Naked man!". J is stripping down to get in the hot tub. But he isn't keeping his boxers on. There's some awkward seat shifting in the hot tubs while the girls try to keep from touching naked man.
"I think your balls are on my leg."
Yea I'm not getting in there.
Somehow J's boxers end up in the hot tub and they're getting thrown around. In peoples faces. He swears their clean. That doesn't seem to make anyone more ok with them getting thrown in their face. S takes charge and throws them out of the hot tub. Into the grass. Good luck finding those tomorrow J!
I go find A and watch her take another shot in the kitchen. We hang out and have drunk girl talk. They marvel at the fact that I haven't consumed alcohol. I tell them honestly that it was never really hard to stay away from it. Not until this past year or so anyway. But since I have awesome non peer pressure-y friends, it's never been an issue.
Back outside I go from group of people to group of people. A and I talk about work and life. I watch more fun in the hot tub...and stop watching when naked man gets up and shakes his junk proudly. Other guys pick apart his technique. Apparently there should be more bouncing...
Uh huh....
We're all anxiously awaiting S's arrival to her own housewarming. She bought a friend tickets to see Carrie Underwood and the concert was that night so everyone keeps calling her and texting her...we may have asked her to pick up some more rockstars on her way home since they ran out doing shots at 8.
By the time she finally makes it to the house we only have a half hour before we have to leave (A and s have a newborn at home and Im the DD so A could drink for the first time in 10 months so we have to leave around midnight to relieve their babysitter. And that's what's called a long run on sentence).
She tells us about the concert and takes a shot with the girls. We hear about W getting too sick and how he is throwing up "all over the place!" but not really outside. I watch as bottles and bottles of vodka are discovered and claimed. Everyone thought we were running low...when really they were just leaving bottles in random places. Silly drunks!
It takes 10 minutes to say goodbye, because everyone is so spread out, and because S is drunk so he still wants to hang out. He rides passenger on the way home. It's really weird driving a car that's not yours when you're used to only driving one car for the last 3 years. I had to adjust everything and learn how the car reacted...and S kept shifting for me. The whole way home.
Shift.
Shift.
Shift.
Basically I learned to bring a bathing suit to parties in the woods just in case, and get in the hot tub before the naked guy does...but get out before he gets in. Because if you don't you'll end up seeing a bat wing.

Friday

K and I decided to have a bunch of our mutual friends over Friday night. All I had to do was make sure the house was clean and that was easy since it is basically always clean, especially since the beginning of the new season of Hoarders. L came over early and brought her hula hoops, pizza to cook and cupcakes she made. Thank god for her because I was starving. I preheat the oven while I make her check out all my shoe organization.
K and her man friend are the next ones to get to the house. The first pizza (veggie) is done and I try to start cooking the second pizza...but I make a giant mess and burn my finger when the pizza decides it doesn't want to be cooked and jumps off the oven rack. Now there is a giant topping free cheese only spot on this pizza....oh well. We eat and hula and before I know it the house is full of people. Some people only stayed for a little bit. No one stayed too long. We had a movie on tv but hung out in the back yard more than in the living room. We hulad out there, broke out my new nerf football.
G said something about me having so many kid toys so I showed him my toy box filled with nerf guns, bubbles and a lot of random things that someone who doesn't like kids probably shouldn't have but since I am actually a 5 year old it's fine.
Now it was time for a nerf war. Once G saw the nerf machine gun it was all over. He started loading right away. That's when A and R got to the house. I opened the door a crack but wouldn't let them in until G had the gun loaded and was aimed. Then I hid behind the door. Bitch? Nah...they're just nerf guns! So what if this one happens to be automatic and hold 25 rounds.
Drunk K insists that I take pictures with her. Then insists other join us. Then insists that there needs to be more "stuff" in our hands. And makes me wear a fedora. I love drunk K.
K, L and I fight about our last New Years Eve and people laugh at us and tell us to calm down. I sent a search team L! Ok, maybe not a team, but I did try!
More nerf wars. J asks for trouble. I trap myself in my bedroom. I try to hide in the dark and crawl to the opposite side of the bed....when J reminds me I'm still wearing my crown. You know, the one I made out of glow necklaces. So it will glow in the dark. Smart....
K wants to run around outside while she calls T Mobile to complain about them starting to charge for use of ChaCha starting in October and of course I encourage her. I bring my hula. We run around my back yard/feild and someone starts to come outside. K shushes me and tells me we should hide. That's when I get to remind her about our glow in the dark crowns. Smart....
I go inside to hang out and play high school reunion. It's fun. I like to play that game at my house a lot.
After some more drunkeness, hulaing, and nerf fighting people start to leave. The house is empty by 12 and clean by 12:20. I figured I could clean right away since a) I was still wide awake b) I feel better in a clean house and c) it's super easy to pick up after nerf wars.

Swinging and air catching

After work C and I headed to the park for some fun swinging action. When we got there, all the swings were taken, by kids of course. Damn those kids. They act like the swings were built for them or something.
We didn't have to wait long for swings to open up and then we were in the air being reckless with playground equipment.
After swinging until I made myself too dizzy to stand up straight on my own, we left. Since we were in the neighborhood we decided to ride over our favorite bumpy street in Gresham. There is one spot that is just so perfect for driving fast over...but it's an intersection so to get the best roller coaster feeling in your stomach when you go over it you have to hit a green light and have enough space between you and the car in front of you to get enough speed to make it worth it. Usually we hit a red light and don't have enough time to get enough speed or there are cars in front of us preventing us from gaining speed.
This time however, this time it was perfect. I turned the corner and saw the light was green. I had one long city block to get as much speed as I could. There were no cars in front of me. I hit the gas and hoped the light wouldn't change before I could get through it.
Still green....
Still green....
Im to the crosswalk now and it's still green. I think about just tapping the break lightly...and there's no way that's going to happen. The light turned yellow as we drove under it. We are totally gonna catch air this time!
We do. And it's amazing! We both squeal with excitement and maybe clap a lil bit.
We're 98% sure everyone that saw us thinks we're crazy but we don't care because that was soooo much fun!

Lessons of the hood

C and I were watching my favorite show in the world, Hoarders, when we heard a loud bang outside. I looked at her from the recliner and we confirmed that it was indeed a gunshot. Without a word we both slid off the furniture we were on down to the floor. I had to peek out the window...so I battle crawled from the living room to my bedroom, where it was dark so people outside couldn't see me peeking, while crystal continued her phone conversation from her new spot on the floor.
I saw a guy walking around in the driveway of the crack house across the street and decided we should stay relatively hidden until he was gone. So I crawled back out to the living room to tell C. I found the ice cream I was eating before we heard the shot and grabbed it to take with me. As I slid down to the grown next to C to tell her what I saw she saw the ice cream in my hand and started laughing. I see nothing wrong with this. If my life is in any kind of danger I should be able to enjoy the thing I love before dying and this ice cream was already right here. Sheesh. Rude. Judging me.
We waited a few minutes on the floor, watching tv and eating ice cream, before I crawled my way back to the bedroom to check the status of the possible shooter (who was really probably just someone else that heard the shot and was looking around for the source but lets not ruin my story k?). I peeked out the blinds and I saw no one. I decided we were safe and walked back to the living room.
Lesson: Enjoy life until the last minute.

Room transformation day

After getting some shelves hung the night before I am ready to make some changes in my room. I start the day off with a long relaxing shower. I take my time doing my makeup and being girly. I put on some pjs and contemplate all the work to be done around the house. Laundry is a definite. I've already got my jewelry up on one of the shelves. I start adding shoes to the others. I go through some clothes and start a donate pile. Clear off a built in shelf and put more shoes on display. Now I have a pile of empty shoe boxes. What to do with them. The empty garage seems like a good place! I go out to the garage to see what's going on out there. It is dusty. Not dust dust, but wood dust. The ex was a woodowrker. He built things. And destroyed things. And left a big ass mess. There is a pile of wood in one quarter of the garage. All of C's things from Washington...Well, not all...but some boxes, are around in whatever space they can find. An oak desk is in the middle of the garage next to my far too rarely used Vespa. Anyone know how to replace spark plugs on those things?
My plan is to clean up the wood pile, move the oak desk to one side of the garage to eventually put a tv on, sweep up all the dust and pack all of C's stuff into one corner in a semi-organized fashion. Then I can use a different corner to store all my empty shoe boxes. At least for now. I start to sweep and only get the built in shelf swept off before C is out in the garage with me offering help, and a soda. Well shit. This should make the process easier. She sees a dusty wall and writes on it with her finger. It says Dirty. Dusty? Good times. I go in to get her gloves so she can move the wood. When I get back she is sweeping so I put on the gloves and attack the wood pile. I decide to put it all in front of the big garage door so that the ex has no excuse to miss any of it. I grabbed the gloves, not because I was worried about splinters, or getting my hands dirty, but because there are a ton of webs on the wood pile. It's been here for a long time now and has had plenty of time to keep too many spiders warm and out of the weather outside. Now it is time to DIE effers!
Err... I mean...I picked up the wood as much as I could at a time. It is all little pieces. I walk back and forth across the garage with piles of wood and dust. I kill some spiders using the wood I'm holding as a weapon. C is sweeping the floor...and the walls. Everything is coated in dust. Sweeping only knocks it all into the air. Before long all I can smell is wood dust. C gets the majority of the dust cleaned up. There was a lot of it...She goes for a smoke break. I sweep a wall or 2 before scooting the oak desk into place on the wall I want it. I sweep out the corner more before scooting C's boxes into it. I sweep and sweep and C swept and swept and still I'm leaving slipper prints in the dust on the floor. How is it possible to have this much dust?! Sweep sweep sweep. Scoot the scooter. Now it's starting to look like a room. And now it doesn't look like C has that much stuff.
With the garage all clean, and me all sweaty and dusty (I'm pretty sure that's a dust hand print on my hip...) I'm ready to start moving those empty boxes out here. Hmm...there seems to be a slight tickle in my throat. Cough cough. Move some boxes. Cough cough. Move more boxes. Cough cough.
Now is the really fun part. I get to go through all my shoes and organize them! How I love my shoes! I go through stacks and stacks. I put them in my room under the new shelves. Each stack has a pair of shoes on display on top. I find some pairs I decide to sell...and take them to the garage too so they're out of the way.
Cough cough.
Before I know it my room looks like shoevana. It's so beautiful. I set up my peaceful fountain, with a leopard pair of shoes next to it. I save a pair of shoes from my to sell pile...and put them on one of the 4 giant bed posts. My boots all line up neatly along the shoe wall. I use one giant margarita glass to hold my scarves and ribbons and such and the other to hold my loose change. 
It actually looks like a girly room. This is the first time in my entire adult life that I have had a space that feels like me. That feels like home. That I love to look at and be in and show off. I can't even tell you how good it feels to have my stuff out how I want it and to not have the ex's crap in my way. It's my house and it finally feels like it. I'm so totally in love with my new room. I took pictures of it on my phone like a crazy cat lady or something before I went to bed.
Cough cough.
C has a tickle in her throat too. That dust is serious business I tell ya.
I still have changes to make and things to move and stuff to add but I love the way it's looking now. And now there is extra space in the living room since I moved the shoes...
So this morning C asks if she can move one of 2 bookcases to the newly empty corner while I'm at work. I tell her she can if she really wants to. At work, I see her facebook status: Know what happens when you're short and try to take a stack of books off a shelf all at once?........I do! ha! :|
Later on she sends a picture to my phone. She trapped herself in the corner. She's trapped between the bookcase and the desk. She'll have to crawl over her desk to get out. Way to go C.

Cough cough.

I'm pretty sure we need our own tv show.

OCD and Red Hot Chili Peppers

C had folding and cleaning OCD. I'm banned from folding towels in my own home. I even try to save the towel load of laundry for when she's home because I know how towels are her thing and all. She was folding some laundry on the couch while I watched tv. One shirt decided to give her trouble. It wouldn't fold the way she wanted it to. She set it aside and tried to ignore it. It was like she was giving herself some OCD exposure therapy. It doesn't work. She folds one thing before she tries to refold the stubborn shirt. I decide that for Christmas I'm going to buy her one of those folder trays they use in retail stores to fold their clothes. I think she would like that. Stubborn shirt continues to give her problems. Before I know it she is saying eff you to the shirt and chucks it to the other side of the couch.
We were supposed to go to Dukes Saturday night but L ended up not feeling up to it and A invited us to a laser light show with her, R, lil K and G. Sure why not! If we get out of that early enough we can still go to Dukes. I'm in. C is in. Let's do it!
A and R meet us at my place. C has a beer and we head out to meet lil K and G at Omsi. We get there before lil K and G so we get out of our cars and hang out in the parking lot while we wait. We have about 20 minutes before the show starts so they should be here soon. I text lil K and tell her to hurry it up. It starts to sprinkle. No biggie. Then it starts to rain. We get in the car to avoid the rain. We can't wait any longer for lil K and G. We have to go inside and buy our tickets. As soon as I open the door I realize the rain doesn't sound nearly as crazy in the car as it does in the rain. It is pouring buckets. I take 5 running steps before I'm completely soaked and give up on running. I see A and R try and fail to avoid a puddle. I avoid the same puddle...only then I jump right into it. I thought it was road...not puddle! We finally make it inside. I try to take my jacket off but it's too soaked and it's sticking to me. As I pay for our tickets I see that we've left a hefty trail of water behind us on our way in. I apologize to the workers and let them know it rained on us. They say they can tell.
We go to the bathroom because once the show starts you can't leave and come back in. Lame sauce. I finally catch a glimpse of myself. Scary! My hair looks like I just got out of the shower...without taking a towel to it. My makeup is trying not to run. My skirt is still dripping wet. I can actually wring it out. My shirt is only wet on the front half. The back half is damp from the jacket but not wet. Good thing I'm not trying to pick up men here...I'm not sure I'd be interested in the type of man that goes for drowned rat type girls.
When we get out of the bathroom I see lil K and G made it before the show started. And they are completely dry. They get evil eye from drenched C, A and I. We laugh and make some fake hate talk.
They open the doors for the show and we walk in with all 8 other people who came. I've never been there before. The seats are arranged in a circle. I follow the line of friends to some seats. The seats are weird. Leaned way far back. I suppose because we'll be looking up at the ceiling screen the whole time. Some children file into the seats behind us. Awesome. The doors close and someone starts talking. The microphone doesn't work but since there aren't many of us she figures she can just talk loudly and we can all hear her. She's right. But figures out the reason the mic didn't work is because she didn't turn it on. I'm so glad such smart people work here. She tells us she is our laserist and that means she will be in charge of our entertainment for the next 45 minutes. I tell my friends I'm scared.
The lights dim and the show starts. Laser art to the beat of Red Hot Chili Peppers music. I enjoy the music part of it....the lasers though...kind of suck. I mean a couple of parts were fun and there was one part where I thought this scary laserist was trying to hypnotize us to do her evil bidding....But for the most part....I just wanted a better laserist.
That's such a fun word. Laserist.
Not enough hang out time with my friends before it's time to leave them and head home.
At home C and I change into dry clothes as soon as we get in the door. It's been over an hour since we were caught in the rain and I am still soaked all the way down to my bra. That is just ridiculousness.
We don't go to Dukes. No dancing for me this weekend. Instead I decide it's time to put up those shelves in my room. I have been waiting to be able to do this.
I tried to put the shelves up the day before...or maybe before that. I got some L brackets from my mom and got some screws from Freddys. Turns out I only have a flat head screwdriver though. And I need a phillips head. That's annoying. I got one bracket on the wall with the flat head before I gave up. That's why I needed my moms power screwdriver. I found some oak shelves left by my ex in the garage and they will be perfect to hold all the stuff that needs a home now that ex finally got those hideous things out of my room.
I get all 3 shelves hung and finalize an inspiration board before finally crawling into bed. Livin la vida loca huh?

My mom, the dog treat hoarder

After sleeping in for a ridiculously peaceful amount of time Saturday morning, I drag myself out of bed and get ready for the day. On the agenda for this Saturday: Go to moms so I can pick up her power screwdriver to hang some shelves in my room...and probably take her shopping. Maybe get some food. I don't get out of the house until well after one. I can definitely be a bum when I let myself.
Pick up mom and she definitely wants to go shopping but says she'll feed me so that's cool. We decide to eat chinese food because there is a place close the the Bi-Mart she wants to go to. She's looking into buying a Wii fit and they have a sale or something. We eat first. Thank goodness. The waitress thinks mom is crazy because orders rice with a side of rice and some more rice please.
I barely eat anything but I feel like I could explode from fullnessosity at any moment. Time to shop and walk off all this food. We go in Bi-Mart and look around forever at nothing in particular. We have no luck finding the Wii. I forgot to even look. Instead I check out the plates, and waffle makers, and spa stuff. By the time we find the Wii stuff I'm no longer in danger of exploding, cuz, you know, it's chinese food. She doesn't want to buy what they have so she buys a mop instead.
Mom talks me into driving her to Winco. I loath shopping there. Loooooaaaathe it. It's always full of morons and rude people and screaming children. Scary stuff people. Mom buys 400 apples which should last her a week she says. Apple hoarder...
Move on from the produce and she heads to the bulk bins. She's looking for dog treats. Her dog, Moz, is a total picky eater. She likes this one kind of dog treat that Winco only sometimes has so every time we come here mom sees if they have them in stock and if they do she'll buy all that she can. She fills a bag but it's not big enough so she gets a bigger one. I yell at her and point too. "Hoarder!!"
Mom goes to look at cheese or something. I stand off to the side so I'm out of the way. I hear a loud rattling sound. It's getting louder. It's the like the Jaws theme music. Starts off kind of distant and gets louder and more intense until finally it's right in front of your face. It a guy with a janky cart who is obviously on a mission. He power walks past me and I can hear the Jaws/cart sound get quieter and quieter.
We walk towards the dairy aisle so mom can get eggs or something. I hear someone on the loud speaker. Mumble mumble. Mumble. Mumble mumble. Yea...
We pass a guy in a motorized wheelchair shopping with his wife. She seems to be yelling at him. Rude.
I hear a weird noise....Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It's 2 kids in a cart that's passing me.
In the aisle I'm forced to walk between 2 carts to keep up with mom. One cart has a little girl and the other has the 2 little doooo kids. I'm going to die. Of course nothing happens. I'm dramatic.
We walk by the bakery. I see a man with missing fingers...He's using his nubby hand to hold his cell phone. Don't get mad at me. Obviously he wants people to notice since hes using his nubs and not his empty good hand that's not doing anything. Either that or he's just so used to it he doesn't even notice any more. I'm going to hell.
We finally make it to the check out. Scan scan scanny. I bag the groceries as they come down the conveyor belt. That used to be my favorite part. That was the reason I loved this store. Ugh. There's a problem. The dog treats mom had to have....well the number she wrote on the lil twisty tie is not the right number. They can't ring up the stupid treats without the right number. Mom asks me if I will go and look to see what the right number is. You mean....all the way on the opposite corner of the giant ass child filled store? No thanks. They have people to do that don't they? Isn't that why you always hear "price check" on the loud speaker? Oh...the mumble mumble thing. Hmm. Maybe that won't work after all. The cashier asks another cashier if she knows the number. Then calls over someone from customer service. He doesn't know it either.
By now I have almost all the groceries bagged and I am so ready to leave.
Oh wait. Turns out the number mom wrote was right...the cashier just read it wrong. That's a four not a nine. Silly.
Now I have everything bagged...I push the cart to the side and sit on the bench while mom pays. I survey the chaos going on inside this store. Screaming children, unhappy parents. Lord...I can see that girls drawn on eye brows from here and she has to be at least 6 check stands away! I look over at mom and she's digging through her purse. She looks up and asks me if I have any change. Oh good god! I start to dig in my purse...then I see the nice old lady behind mom give her some change. Thank you nice old lady. Turns out mom was 6 cents short. 6 cents! Sounds like about how much one of those dog treats would cost....
After that hell we decide to hit the Goodwill in the same parking lot for some cheap retail therapy. And boy am I glad we did! Not only did I find 2 awesome dresses but I also scored a couple of humungo over sized margarita glasses that I would love to use in my room for storage or something. Heck, I don't care what I end up using them for...I want them! This certainly took care of the Winco mood.

Friday night and the livin is...clumsy

L and I decided to go out dancing Friday night. We were both really excited because it's been so long since we last went out. We got all cute-ed up headed out to a club we haven't tried before. We find parking close to the club and start walking. I see a spider hanging from some web flying through the air towards us so naturally I take a step back. L thinks I'm crazy until she sees the spider too. She moves to the left...so does the spider. She takes a couple steps back...and the spider follows through the air. The web must be stuck on her somewhere. She bobs and weaves until finally the spider drops and we can safely continue walking. That's when we realize how funny we look stopping and bouncing around like lunatics. No one else could possibly see that spider unless they were right next to us. Laugh it up parking attendant guy. Laugh it up.
We get to the club and they tell us we're the last ones they're letting in for free. Awesome! Uhhh homie...there is only 7 other people here. And only one is a boy. This is not gonna work. We go to the bar and get drinks. Soda for me of course. Mmm diet rite (barf). Survey the room. This is pitiful. We give it an hour before finally deciding to try a place we've been to before...but always have weird experiences. Stupid beer licker...
We move the car since the other club is too far away to walk in heels and it's close to my work parking lot, which means we can park for free this time. We walk across the dangerous cobblestonish road, across the max tracks and make it safely to the door where they check out id's and let us in...for free again. Awesome. Crap. It's lame here too! Damn it! L gets another drink and we find a table. I'm really disappointed in the night life right now folks. I wanted to dance. I see a girl in the booth in front of us and she looks familiar. Then I see her husband. It's neighbor C. Random! He sees me and gets up to come say hi. He may be slightly drunk and his wife may have had to come and get him because she didn't know where he went when he got up without saying anything.
L and I people watch for a bit. There is clearly a double date going on to the left. And it's clear that girl number 1 wants nothing to do with guy number 1. We're thinking girl and guy number 2 are together and they're setting up girl and guy number 1. Doesn't seem like such a good match up if you ask me. Girl 1 and 2 get up and head to the bar. Guys talk. Girls come back after way longer then it takes to get a drink in a bar this empty. Girls now sit together instead of next to the boys. Interesting...
Drunkish neighbor C stops by our table on the way out to say goodbye.
Watch an old balding guy with khaki shorts and mandles on walk across the bar. Ew. That's my option man wise at the club. Married neighbor or old guy with mandles. No wonder I'm single.
Look back at the double date and the girls get up to get another drink. They come back and sit next to their matching numbered boy this time instead of with each other this time. Now it's clear that boy number 1 wants nothing to do with girl number 1. Of course she is wearing the hideous tan skort...
Eventually they all get up from the table. Guy and girl number 2 go to the bar or something. Girl number 1 tries to talk to boy number 1 by the stairs. He seems to pretend not to hear her and walks off while she is in mid sentence. She stands there stunned for a minute before walking off. That was fun to watch.

L orders one more drink before we decide to leave. We talk about what we might do next as we walk out the door. L says something drunk to me. We get to the street where we have to avoid a puddle. L is in front of me and the next she's down on the ground. It was actually a graceful fall. He legs are so long...it was kind of like watching a gazelle kneel down. I'm a terrible friend and I can't help but laugh. I ask if she's ok and she's laughing like crazy. She says she's fine. More laughing. There is a round patch of dirt on her knee. She's only worried about how her shoes made it through the scuffle with the ground. By the time we get to the car, which isn't very far, she is still laughing about her knee. Once we get in the car and can see it in the light we find out there is definitely blood. Quite an impressive pool of it actually. I tell her not to bleed on my car. She tells me matter of factly she is just bleeding on her own knee skin. Thanks friend. Good lookin out. She takes a pic of her knee to send to friends.
I start driving. We were thinking about going to get fries...but then L fell so now I'm not sure what the plan is. I see a guy in a car next to us looking at us. He's smiling. I feel awkward. I wave at him anyway. he looks confused. Why? Because L is shaking her head and making a face at him.
Drunk L decides it's a good time to drunk dial everyone she knows. No one answers so she leaves awesome messages about breaking her knee.
We go across an overpass. Under us are train tacks. Wait a minute...what are those lights? It's a guy in a wheelchair. I tell L to look at the wheelchair with space lights. He's just hanging out, looking at the train yard. L tells me he's UFO-ing the train tracks. Drunk insights are the best.
We decide fast food fries are the way to go so I can drop L off to tend to her wound.

Uncomfortable Game Night

T & A (best couple initials ever right?) have game nights fairly regularly. It's always an experience. The people that regularly show up are good people. Funny, true to who they are and not at all like the rest of my friends. When I got there T was playing Rock Band, looking for a specific song. That dude has some serious video game skills.
I remember when I lived with him way back in the day and he had the Dance Dance Revolution dance mat. I have never been more impressed with someones video game skills. He never missed a step. Well even if he did he was still better than anyone that ever tried. His focus is crazy good. He's just as good with Rock Band. At least, in my opinion.
Anyway, I was one of the first people there so A and I passed some time playing connect four before more people showed up. I kicked ass. Then I was challenged and kicked some more ass. Challenged once more...and fell right off my high horse. Fun ride though.
I was told there was ready to eat pizza in the oven...it was like having a Little Caesars right in their oven! Ok, they only had 4 pizzas...but still. When the oven door opens and all you see are pizza boxes, it'll make you laugh.
T decides it's a good time to break out his favorite game, Quelf. Has anyone else ever played this? It's a super weird game and can definitely make for some awkwardness which means it's awesome. Last game night I went to I started the game half way through and I walked in to see one guy wearing a helmet, one had his hand wrapped in tin foil and later had an epic battle between his 2 hands, complete with sound effects.
Basically, you move your pieces through the path on the board and you pick up a card that goes with the color square your piece landed on. These cards will tell you to do something random, funny, weird for either this one turn or until you get a new card to negate it. You can choose to pass but you have to pay a penalty of moving a certain number of spaces so hardly anyone does.
This week I got a card that said every time I made eye contact with someone I had to say "I have you now". Rather than say that every 5 minutes, I just avoided all eye contact because I'm the kind of person that makes eye contact regularly. This was a terrible strategy for me. I was always staring down at the table or up at the ceiling. Before I knew it the house was full of people. There was now an entire band of people playing Rock Band and 5 of us playing Quelf. We were now banned (via the game) from saying words like back, word, card, and food. I never realized how much I said any of those words....Z got a card that made him hold his arm up until his next turn...but we took too long and he had to take the penalty for putting his arm down (moving a space back). J got a card that said he couldn't bend his arms. That was funny.
M came over to watch us play and apparently thought he had done something to make me mad because I wouldn't look up from the game. The eye contact rule I had imposed on myself made me act like a battered dog. Once he found out why I wouldn't look up he decided he would play his own game of "make Kay feel awkward". That lasted entirely too long. And then Z joined in. It's really hard to not look at people when they are all up in your grill.
When the game finally ended I made it a point to look everyone in the eye. But we had played the game so long I developed a complex and found myself avoiding eye contact for the next half hour or so. I constantly had to remind myself I could look at people when I talked to them.
Watched some Rock Band action and then we started watching Super Troopers. I would have stayed for the whole movie but it was already after 11 and I had to leave to get some sleep so I could make it to work the next day.

My slick friend, S

After work Tuesday C and I headed to the park for some swinging. As we pulled up we see a bunch of kids around the swings. It looked like C's favorite swing was open so we headed on over. "They're like 12. Why are they even on the swings?" Says the 24 year old walking to the swings... We would take turns on the swing...unless the kids moved, which they did not too soon after C started swinging. Well, they got off the swing right next to hers. They hung out around the end of the swing set. Why am I telling you this? After C and I both did a good spinny flip thing we were laughing, as usual, and one of these punk ass kids looked at C and said "What are you laughing at?".
Uh oh.
She said "Not at you. But I can, if you want me to." We laughed some more. Then the kids high fived. Uh...Dumbass. He said something else smart assy. Little douchebag Jr. is just asking for a kick in the face...
We just kept swinging and laughing. Until our hands hurt.
I decide we should go out to eat but I can't decide where I want to go. Then it hits me. Changs. Delicious. I was just talking to S about going there...so I tell C to call her and ask if she wants to come with us. Of course she says yes even though she is just about to have some pizza. Changs is way better than pizza. We go and pick her and baby Iz up and head to Changs.
S and I get some food while C sits and plays with baby Iz. I see the same cook I always see there. He's cute...just like I thought the last few times I was here...
C gets food and we talk girl talk while we all eat. I notice S still has the plastic from the tag on her purse and ask her why it's there. Just cut it off. S says she tried to take it off but couldn't and now she's attached. "HOARDER!" yells C. Nothin but normalcy for my friends and I.
I go back for a second plate and the cook asks how my last plate was. When I say alright he says he'll have to cook this one better. Do I want it crispy or not? Crispy. Like kinda crispy or really crispy? Extra crisp please! Mines the last one to come off the grill and it looks perfect. As I sit down I say something about the cute cook and we giggle about it like girls.
S gets up to go to the bathroom and when she comes back shes laughing like a maniac. She says he doesn't have a girlfriend and get's off work at 8:30. Her bitch ass went and talked to the cute cook and pointed me out to him and said he made my noodles extra crispy and I loved them. Oh goodness...I might punch her. Now S and C are joking around. Talking about our potential exotic chin strap bearing babies (cute cook has one of those chin strappy dealios goin on with his facial hair). This is worse than middle school. I'm blushing and they're making sure everyone from Changs to Mars knows. Funny stuff guys.
He is cute though...and as we've all noticed...thanks to S and her slyness, he does keep looking over at our table. By this time we're done and are ready to go so I pull out a pen and paper from my bottomless pit of a purse and write my name and number on it. S asks if I'm going to give it to him or if she wants me to. She is obviously excited at the idea of her going back up there so I let her. It's like I have a minion.
There are people waiting for their food so she pretends to go to the bathroom again. Or maybe she goes and washes her hands. I don't know. That's my slick friend, S.
She comes back to the table and they laugh some more at my embarrassment. Scandalous bitches. S shouts about her victory in her quest to make me turn all red in the face. We go to the front to pay and S pulls out a dollar to tip the cooks. Yep...Imma have to punch her.
We head back to my house to hang out for a little bit. S and C go out back to smoke and I tag along. There is a GIANT spider on the roof...S goes inside and grabs the Bugzooka and captures the beast. She freaks out for a second when she sees the little effer running around in the death chamber. He can't get out. And then she starts playing capture the bug. She catches some flies....goes after a mosquito eater but he's too big and she ends up chopping off one of his legs. Finally she catches it and we go inside.
They end up going outside again and she takes the Bugzooka with her to play more roundup. There are apparently now at least 4 godzilla spiders (as C calls them) in the Bugzooka along with a bunch of flies and other bugs. Thanks S...I think. I guess that's 4 spiders I won't be seeing in the tub when I try to shower in the morning.
I take S home and her sister gets excited because she benefits from my fear of hoarding and gets some necklaces I don't wear any more. I go to bed too late again. I need to start going to bed at a normal time.

Yes, cute cook did call.

Monday organization

After a year and a half, my ex finally got the last of his big furniture out of my house. Let me take a minute here to say I don't want to hear what anyone has to say how long it took him, or why I didn't get rid of it on my own. I did what was right for me personally and I don't need to hear how you would do it or what you think I should have done.
What he took was 2 big dresser/armoire thinga majuggers. They were in my room against the wall next to my bed. Now, I already have a huge bed frame, so these 2 giant pieces of furniture were really just cramping up the space. He got them from a family member and his original plan was to refinish them. He started...on a drawer. They got left out in the rain before we moved into my current house so they got all warped. Only a couple of the drawers (of which there were at least 6 big ones) would actually open and they were so dirty and cobwebby that I never wanted to put anything inside them. I used to top of one as my jewelry station and the top of the other to accumulate crap on.
He came and cleared the stuff out while I was at work so when I got home I was welcomed to a brand new room. It felt so much brighter, open, homey with all that space. Now I just had to figure out what to do with all the crap that now had no home.
Adventure to the store for organizing supplies! C and I wander around and look at basically everything organizing related. I got some desk trays to hold my necklaces and earrings, a little desk organizer to help keep the desk clean and spent some time contemplating buying almost everything I came across. Good thing C was there to keep me grounded.
We wander some more and find toys. Look at nerf stuff. Find hula hoops. This one lights up. You know I had to try it. Right there in the aisle. It was way lighter than the one I'm used to. Needed a totally different strategy. Wander some more. I see the Clorox disinfectant wipes...in a pack of 2 for a damn good price and I ask my personal maid/cook/cleaning lady housewife if she would use them. Her eyes got big. Not out of shock for me assuming she likes all things cleaning...but because she really does and she really wanted them so I threw them in the cart and she got excited. Before we leave the aisle I see a duster which we need and I throw it in too thinking of the cobwebs I keep noticing in the kitchen near the ceiling that I can't possibly reach without the help of this duster (yea...I coulda used the broom...but I want a duster so I got it. Hush it).
People watching in the store is fun. I'm constantly astounded at how some people leave the house.
One morning, on my way to work, I saw a bum begging for change on the side of the road...I've seen him almost every day for a few weeks by this point, but on this particular day I didn't recognize him...because he was wearing a Scooby Doo costume. He even put a Scooby Doo decal on his cart. No joke. The next day he was back out there totally normal, like he had never been Scooby.
That was random...
After leaving the first store and hitting Safeway on the way home for cream cheese and ice cream (no, not to eat together) we make it home and I am just excited to get started on organizing. I pull the Clorox wipes and C literally jumps up and down with excitement. I've never seen such a giant smile. I'm buying her cleaning supplies more often.
We turned on the tv and watched Hoarders while I tried to organize everything right then...but I have too much junk so I had to give up and go to bed. That show is nuts! It will always make me want to clean. I always feel like a slob when I'm watching that show.

Central Oregon

C had been down in Bend since the middle of the week and I was of course totally jealous. I wanted to hang out by the river and play in the woods! Good news for me: Big J's friends were heading down that way and agreed to give me a ride! I packed way too quick (and forgot important things) and headed out to Oregon City to meet them. I parked in the Sharis parking lot and we head off. Boy C or not so big J said something about how sure are we that my car won't get towed and I brush it off. Until we make it to taco bell where I have a moment of worry...and then push it out of my mind again. I'm sure it will be fine. And then we're on the road. Not so big J dances along and bumps some lady gaga which I am a-ok with. The trip flies by...at least for me. We meet up with big J and C at big J's grandma's house...and some how beat them there... We make small talk with gramma until they pull up a few minutes later. We hang out with gramma for a little bit and the all head out to eat some dinner and go 4 wheeling...but we have to tell gramma we're going bowling because she doesn't like big J to go out 4 wheeling.
We go to Applebee's. Right away there are problems because the poor waitress is totally backed up and we sit for a while before anyone comes to take our drink order, and when someone finally does come it's the manager. I have no problem waiting. I know how crazy things can get for a waitress, but big J is definitely annoyed. And isn't quiet about it. He seems to calm down once we finally get our drinks and order food. I'm willing to bet he was cranky because he was hungry. I've noticed boys get that way when they're hungry.
There's more smart assness out of the guys before the food finally makes it to our table. Big J makes conversation with the host, and the waitress and tries to get boy C hit on the waitress.He doesn't. We pay and head out to the Jeeps.
We finally start driving to go 4 wheeling. I'm excited. Adrenaline is a good thing if you ask me and there's no better way to get some than to go on a 4 wheeling adventure with crazy boys.
We head out to a road the boys all know well. Only...when we're on the road the GPS says it's called Arnold Ice Cave Road. Ummm huh? C tries to take a picture of it which is funny to watch. The road is bumpy and she can't keep her phone steady enough to take a picture. She takes a few fuzzy pictures as her hands bounce around all over the place. It looks like she has no control over her arms at all. She finally takes a picture that is clear enough to see what's going on...but it's still fuzzy. Good job C!
We end up going to a place with a giant hill. Big J navigates the steep climb up the hill...and a few times I think we might not make it. Like the time we started rolling back down the hill when we were already half way up. When we make it up finally we wait to watch not so big J's Jeep come up over the edge. In the dark, when all you can see is headlights, it's funny to watch. Just sets of lights bobbing from side to side, up and down. You can't even tell what's going on with the actual vehicle. Once everyone is at the top of the hill we all get out to stretch and look at the stars, which are AMAZING! I love a clear night sky outside of the city. You can see so many freakin stars.
C and I have to tinkle so we ask if anyone has any napkins or something. For a couple minutes it looks like we'll either be holding it or drip drying...but then not so big J saves the day with 2 napkins. Perfect. We get the flashlight (thank god...no spying eyes this time...) and start to walk down the opposite side of the hill. We're very careful...but still slide a little bit here and there. The dirt on this hill is so skooshy. We make it a little ways down...and decide to go just a little further. Make sure we have a steady spot to stand and we're parallel...don't want anyone peeing on anyone. C empties about 4 gallons. I'm basically standing in the dark twiddling my thumbs waiting for her. Don't drink so much coffee! As she stands up I hear something heavy fall into the skooshy dirt. Knowing it's the flashlight and hearing her say "oh no" or something to that effect I yell "oh no!" way too loud and the boys ask if we're ok. By now she has picked up the flashlight and is inspecting it to make sure it didn't land in her woman made pond while I yell back that we are totally fine and there is no reason to shine a light anywhere in our direction. Good news: It landed in dry dirt. We crawl back up the hill. Even with the flashlight falling, that was the most uneventful pop squat popping we've done.
After looking at the stars some more we head off for more driving fun. Big J is trying to get to a specific spot so we take a dirt side road. Worst road ever. Before we even get very far on the road we pass through 2 trees...that have wire wrapped around them...and there is bullet ridden garbage tucked into that wire. Ahhh I feel so safe. Giant pointy rocks, branches that keep scratching the side of the Jeep. I realize just how many scary movie moments we have when we stop a ways down the road to look at more bullet ridden things in the dark. Looks like old appliances make great shooting targets. Drive some more. The road keeps sucking. Drive drive drive, tilt to the side far enough that when I look out my window I can say hi the the ground (and I do). Drive drive drive, over a chasm. Drive drive drive oh hey there tree branch in my face.
Cs window is down. She's looking out the window. We're driving. All I hear is "whoa fuck!" and I see Cs head go from close to the window to the middle of the car in .3 seconds flat. A branch tried to attack her face through the open window. That wasn't the last time it happened....We keep driving...and it feels like we're getting deeper into the forest. The scraping sounds the branches are making on the outside of the Jeep are giving us goosebumps. That sound is bone chilling.
This road helps us to find out that Becky, the GPS, has a mental disability. She keeps thinking we're not on a road when we are...or tells us we're on this road...even though there are no turns in front of us and she clearly thinks we're turning. All this off roading must have knocked her poor lil brain loose.
We drive some more and then we see a light. Is there a house way out here? Wait a minute...the road has ended! We popped out in civilization again. Damn damn damn. We turn around and see a sign. "Public access to caves restricted year round". Sounds like an invitation to me! We get excited at the possibility of caves. But...can't find them. So we keep driving. Find a new road. Drive a ways. All of a sudden we're stopped and big J is looking at something with the flashlight. I hear him ask "what is that?" as he opens the door and goes to investigate.
"PINECONES!"
He holds up a GIANT bag filled with pinecones. The bag has to be like 4 feet tall. And it's as big around as a big dude. Where the hell...why on earth....who would even...Who gives a rats ass? We just found a giant bag of pinecones! Jeeps are parked and we start taking pictures with my new boyfriend, Piney. He hangs out in the back of the Jeep while we pose around him. Not so big J takes a minute to call H, who is out of town for the weekend so she can't meet Piney yet. I hug Piney while others mock our love. They're right though, he can sure be kinda prickly sometimes.
The boys are paranoid about sounds in the woods. Im sure it's just wildlife guys. Big J asks if we heard that stick break. Sure...but it's probably a rabbit or something...like the one we didn't really almost run over but you jumped like we did.
C steps on a stick and asks if anyone heard that stick break. We laugh like maniacs.
Big J and boy C watch Step Brothers in the Jeep while not so big J keeps talking to H. C and I go for a short walk up the road and then big Js headlights turn off and it is way too dark so we run back.
I find a couple of sticks and draw a tic tac toe game in the dirt. We play. I lose. C declares she is the winner. "I'm the Ki.....ween!" She tried to say king of the game and then realized she should say queen and she made a new word. We cackle some more. Then I write KIWEEN in the dirt. She tried to take a picture but taking a picture of dirt in the dark is surprisingly hard. The boys are ready to leave and wonder what we're laughing about this time. We don't say anything.
Drive some more. Find a new road. Then....Jackpot!! We happen upon a 4 wheeling specific patch of land. Its fenced off and you have to go through a certain spot to get in. At first big J won't go. There is a sign that says some vehicles are prohibited. Not so big J is just having a blast rolling around in the playground of hills and bumps and dips. We inspect the sign. Silly big J. Clearly it says we're allowed. Yessssss!
Squeeze through the entry and we're in. Up and down, up and down, around and round. This is awesome. Big J goes left. Not so big J goes right. Both go up and then out of sight from each other. It's like unsynchronized Jeeping. The newest sport. We end up going down a steep little tiny path. Another one of those times I think we might not make it. But we do, of course. Just in time for not so big J to come down the same path. Big J gets out and tries to stop him. He's too late to stop so he helps guide him down the crazy path and we're off again. Not so big J is behind us...and then he isn't. Where did he go? It's all black out. And then we see headlights. Only...They're not attached to not so big Js Jeep. We don't know those lights. And they're not in the play pit...they're just above it. Big J starts to freak out. He thinks it's the fuzz. He turns off his lights and I know we're invisible down here. Why is my heart pounding? I hate when paranoid people make me paranoid too. Then the strange lights are gone and I see not so big J come back to life when he turns his lights on and he starts flashing his brights as he drives towards us. Big J starts driving. We're on a mission to get out now. Only...we don't exactly know where the exit is. It's dark out so we can't see anything that the headlights don't illuminate. Up a hill...and we find a picnic table. This can't be right. Fence. There's a fence in the way. Oh...no problem. Big J goes all He Man Hulk and the fence is no longer a problem. We drive over it and out of the park. Not so big J follows and we drive fast. Silly boys.
We head back to big Js grammas house. Not so big J and boy C head to boy Cs cousins house to sleep. It's late and not so big J has to get up early to be back in Portland in time to work. Back at grammas we cuddle up in bed like the happy family we are and watch a movie before the sleep timer on the tv forces us to go to sleep.
The next day, after taking our time to get up and lounging around the house watching awesome old school movies (Cool as Ice staring the one and only Vanilla Ice...Highly recommended if you like to ask "what the hell is going on" a lot, and Waking up in Reno, also recommended but because it's actually kind of good) we head out for a walk. Big Js gramma really does live in an awesome area. Without walking very far at all we're on the river. The rocks are totally awesome. Shaped by water like I've never seen before. They look crazy. Wavy and full of perfectly round holes. They're like sculptures. We walk and big J moves an unstable rock...out crawls a teeny little lizard. C spots it. I try to catch it but that em effer is fast! I gave up once and then tried again. I got him. He was so tiny! Cute. I tried to take a picture of him on my hand with my phone but before I could turn on the camera he leaped from my hand. It's a long way to fall when you're that tiny...but he seemed fine as he ran off, just as fast as ever. I guess I'd freak out too if something 500 times my size just picked me up. We follow a walking path a ways along the river...until it's too overgrown for us to go any further.
Instead of turning back...big J decides it's rock climbing day and we're going to climb up this steep almost cliff side to get to the top where there is a bench overlooking the river. C is wearing flip flops. This is gonna be fun. We crawl up some rocks. In some dirt. Big J has a big walking stick to help him. Cheater. I actually started to have fun trying to look for where I should put my feet, what I could use as a hand hold and finding a path to the top. I pass big J and find a spot at the top on a rock to watch Cs progress. She had to take her flip flops off and is now crawling up kinda like a monkey. Chuckle chuckle.
Once we're all up the hill we take a break at the bench. It's not big enough for all 3 of us. Stupid tiny bench.  At this point I'm pretty sure I want to actually get into rock climbing. We start walking down the path again. We pass by a giant metal pipe that looks like a candy cane. If my brain was working properly I would have taken a picture with my phone but now I'm hot and sweaty which makes me irritable. I'm not even in the right clothes for this...and I don't have any other clothes to wear when we get back. I stink and I hate being sweaty. We walk until the path intersects with a road and that's where we turn around. When we get to the field not too far from grammas house big J spots a deer in the field eating grass. He says we can get pretty close to it so we walk into the field with our phones out and ready to take pictures. We really did close to it. Like within feet of it. I have never seen a deer that close up. It just kept eating grass. Eventually it got spooked and bounded off to the trees. Big J stalked it. That thing is going to have nightmares about him. It gracefully bounded up the side of a hill and into someones driveway, taking time to literally smell the flowers before walking further.
Across the street and one house down from grammas we find the deer again, in someones yard eating foliage. Big J stalks it some more. C and I walk to the house.
After big J gets done deer stalking and washing off Cs dirty climbing feet we go inside and get ready to take gramma to the store. Big J starts a load of laundry and makes me add my dirty clothes to load to ensure it's fullness. Before thinking about it I give him the clothes I wore yesterday. After he puts them in I realize now I can't take a shower to wash off my rock climb stank because I have nothing to change into. Say hi to stanky Kay everyone!
Gramma tells big J to take it easy when he drives, which makes me laugh. At the store C and I are set loose to find fun stuff. And we do. A nerf football for $3. Hells yes I bought it. I'm keeping it in the trunk with glowsticks so we're always ready for glow football. I love that C encourages my child brain.
Back at the house it's quiet. I grab my book (Dear John) and start reading. C watches tv with gramma. J does some work on his lights on the Jeep. After a while I notice I'm alone in the living room. I get up to check my phone and see that big J and C are watching a movie in the office. Vampires Suck. I totally want to see that. Big J says I'm missing all the fun. I hate starting movies in the middle...and it doesn't really look like there's anywhere for me to sit anyway so I check my phone and decide to keep reading but by the river. It's still sunny out and how often do I get the chance to read with my feet dangling in the river, sitting on a sculpture rock? Oh, right. Never. So I take my book and make the short walk down to the water. Definitely a good idea. It's gorgeous out and so peaceful. I don't even get a full page read before big J texts me to say we have to get ready to go home soon and C is walking up to my side. Apparently big J kept calling for me to come watch the movie and they wondered why I wasn't answering. Oops.
Go back, pack (which takes me zero minutes), throw Piney on the roof rack and hug gramma goodbye.
On the way home big J opens the sunroof so C can look at the stars. I unbuckle (unsafe! unsafe!!) and flip around so my feet are where my head should be and my head is on the middle console...and I have a perfect view of the sky. Kinda trippy when the car is in motion on a curvy road, that's for sure.
I can't even lie...I was so relieved when we pulled into the Sharis and I saw my car peacefully sitting right where I left him. I knew it wouldn't get towed...but when someone puts a thought like that in your head...it's kinda hard to get it out.

Spa night

Friday night we all congregated at A's place to have a spa night. I brought all my nail polish, a face mask, some aroma therapy stuff and foot spa stuff. I'm that kind of girly girl so I have all that crap. L and I were the only ones that we're in pajamas when we got there. We settle in and start talking about K's new job and L's new boy interest and whatever else comes to mind. We eat some pizza and they drink some drinks and eventually A pulls out her nail polish stash and we all start digging through the choices.
It was madness. There were 2 baskets of colors to choose from and all I could see were blurs of pink and what felt like millions of hands in the way. Every time I thought about reaching for a bottle there was another hand from a different direction coming in. Somehow we found some rhythm and soon K's nails were all different colors because she was "testing", A was taking off the polish she already had on, little K was just painting right over the top of the last color she had on her toes and I had 4 different colors in front of me to choose from. 2 were black light special polishes. You don't know how hard that was to talk myself out of. Actually pretty easy, once I realized that while I do have a black light bulb, I don't have anywhere to use it. So I skipped the trippy polish for this spa night and went with a girly pinkish shade. A couple girls decide now is a good time to try out the face mask. This is when the laughter starts. As soon as the mask starts drying their faces start to itch and they start to pick and now it looks like my friends are peeling their faces off. It is really funny when it looks like someone has a droopy nostril. Or when A peels her mustache off. And little A starts taking her eyebrow off. And L finds some in her hair.
So much laughter.
More drinking and snacking and laughter. Suddenly someone is talking about burritos. K is going to pick up yummy burritos for her and her boyfriend on her way home. Now we all want burritos. K has to get going anyway so we start getting ready to leave and they complain that I'm not wearing pj's and since I brought some they force me to change. Only....I'm wearing knee high boots and they are not cooperative with my silky polka dotted pants so I have to run out and search for flip flops because I don't want to look completely weird.
We're all finally ready and we head to the store. No burritos...we're going to the store for ice cream! We head straight to the ice cream aisle when we get there and start contemplation. We spend far too long down that aisle...looking, and asking each other questions. I honestly don't even remember what flavor we finally walked away with. Probably because we walked right back and thought about buying a second flavor. Oh right, cookies and cream. We only got that one flavor. We talked ourselves down a bit. Then picked up a bottle of the magic shell chocolate ice cream sauce stuff. I was really surprised how many people had never tried it before.
Back at the house we serve ourselves some ice cream. I wait for my magic shell sauce to harden before digging in but A can't wait and dives right in without waiting for the magic to take place. We enjoy it for a few minutes before turning on the Wii and playing a mario game. It was like a board game but not...The way we live keeps changing and it kinda weirds me out. I played a board game with my friends on tv with wireless remotes. Back in the day (cuz I'm sooooo ancient) we played board games on boards with real dice. You couldn't sit way back on the couch with your ice cream while playing video games. The cord for the controller didn't reach that far. Plus, back then, no matter how hard you twisted the controller it didn't actually have any effect on what the character on the screen did and now that's exactly how you control it. Moving the controller from side to side or up and down. Crazy...
Moving on!
L's brother called and was locked out of the house so we had to go so she could let him in and since I was her ride and her house is closer to mine than A's I decided I would just go home after I dropped her off. So I packed up my spa stuff, even though we didn't use it all, and I leave feeling full, relaxed, happy and grateful for the awesome life I live and the amazing people I get to call my friends.

Labor Day Ice Cream hunt

I needed something to do Monday. So L and I went for a drive. We drove...and drove and drove. All over the state of Oregon. Ok, so maybe not really, but we drove a lot. Some how ended up in Willsonville. L saw and Wendy's and decided gettings Frostys was a good idea. Of course I am a-ok with that. Now we're driving some more with Frostys. Delicious tasty Frostys. You know what we should do? Try a bunch of different ice creams! We already have these tasty Frostys. They're good to start with...a nice pallet clense if you will...Now...Let's try Sonic! I've never actually been there. Do we even know how to get there? No. Who cares?!
Drive drive drive. She knows the general area. We take an exit and drive. Turn and drive some more. Pass a sign that say's there is nothing this direction (no really...is said Portland with an arrow one direction, Hillsboro with an arrow the other direction, and they way we were going only had an arrow. No words). Random...Drive some more. Turn. L's cousin lives near here. He should know where it is. She calls. We're on this and this, where is Sonic? We should be able to see it from here? Hmmm...
Oh sweet! There it is! Order. Have issues with the credit card machine. Stupid electronics....
Pretty good sundae. Mmmm cheese sticks. Moving on!
Since we already woke up L's cousin once...why not do it again? So we head to his house. He's not home. Funny stuff. We hang out with her family for a little while. Watch the squirrely dog chase the ball a bunch.
After a while we take off and head out on our journey. Only now it's later, we're driving towards town and honestly all the junk food I've eaten over the weekend is really starting to catch up with me. L says she wants some real food...So lets go to her favorite bar and get some fries. Hahaha deal.
Get to the bar. She knows the bartender and a couple of the girls there. They are awesome. We watch one girl give another a hawaiian shirt for some scavenger hunt. We laugh as they joke about how big the shirt is. And it is BIG. Make some tweaks. Tie it instead of button....roll up the sleeves. Problem solved! Now it's at least wearable.
L has a drink and we share some fries. Tasty delicious fries.
We see a guy with a dog come bouncing up outside. Yes....bouncing. He was wearing the weirdest effing shoes! They were like moon boots....pogo feet....trampoline shoes! Weird ass stuff. Bouncy bouncy...His dog is giant and fluffy. He stops to talk to some people sitting outside the bar and then his girlfriend comes bouncing along in the same shoes! Only...hers are pink. Weird. They laugh and bounce. Someone outside mocks their bounciness. We all laugh. They leave. And eventually come back to go the other direction.
They are non stop smiling....I think I need some moon boot trampoline bouncy shoes. Just to play with in the back yard when I have a brownie....
Eventually we say goodbye to the awesome friends L has and head home. Ok, so it wasn't a day full of ice cream as it was supposed to be...but it was still fun!

Oregon State Fair

I don't know what made mom want to go to the fair for her birthday, but that's the choice she made so that's what we did. We started off meeting her near the mall to pick her and her cake up. I feel terrible that I never buy her b-day cake. Some day mom! At least this year you got real presents.
Before making it to meet up with mom we had to run home from camping, put on clean clothes, pee in a toilet, and get C's ID from her friend's house. Some how we were only 10 minutes behind schedule. Pick up the cake and head to moms for cake eating. Of course the cake was chocolatey goodness, I got the addiction from somewhere right?
Grab some directions and head to the fair. I expected the drive to take about an hour but of course forgot about traffic. On Labor Day weekend. All bad. So we sit in traffic for a while. Drive for a while and sit in traffic some more. The traffic just to get to the fair was crazy. It took us half an hour to get from the freeway exit to the fair. It wasn't that far...
Wait in the longest line of cars ever in history (ok, probably not) before we get to the parking lot. First empty spot I see I take because I don't really care where we park, I just can't sit in traffic any more. Thanks to my impatience, we have to walk forever to get to the fair but we finally make it.
Now... What to do. The place is gigantic. There a buildings with things to look at and buy inside. There is a huge food court. A place with all the rides. A ski lift going through the middle of it all if you want to take a break from walking but want to keep moving...I guess. Costs 5 bucks. Didn't we have to buy tickets to get in here? Hey look! Giant pig. 1000 lbs? I gotta see this....oh it costs to see? Eff that. Giant alligator! Oh....more money. No. Wander. Look at stuff. Crafts. Things. Junk. Sheets. Find S and her family. They're looking for dinosaurs. Ooh That sounds fun. C and I go to get some food. Takes us way too long to figure out what to eat. Nachos won. bad idea for me since they always make me sick...but whatever. It's the fair. Walk around with mom. Look at a ton of quilts. We're walking through a maze of quilts, admiring and scoffing...2 older ladies come around the corner. I walk the other way and C hears them. One says "That quilt is dope". Yes. That really just happened. Oh lord... Check out some kick ass cakes. Buy some chocolate. Find S and family in line for the dinosaurs. The long ass line. Surprise surprise, it costs money to go in there too. Why did we even buy tickets? What a freakin rip off. Walk around some more. Oh. My. God! Is that a monster truck that we can ride? Now that, I'll wait in line for! The line isn't even that long! Hells yes. Yes, it costs money. But I want to. C wants to. It looks like it could be more fun...but it looks like the most fun thing to ride here. So we get in line. We count the people in front of us, watch the truck drive around. Figure out how long it will be until we're up there. They have an airline type giant rolling ladders for you to crawl up into the bed of the truck. So exciting! Another truck load of people go and right now it's looking like we'll be riding with one little girl and 2 little boys. Joy. The boys keep running away and getting yelled at. Run away. Get yelled at. Come back. Run away. Get yelled at. Come back. A
Awesome.
Then we get closer to riding. The boys change their minds. They don't want to. Yesssssss. They go away.
Not too long after they come back. They're dad is telling them to go. Stop that sir. I want peaceful reckless fun thank you very much. They're back in line in front of us. Damn.
Now they're crying. They're scared. They don't want to go. Now Dad is in line with them in front of us. They're still crying. Sweeeeeet.
Now only one is crying. Ok....C says if this little boy cries the whole time she's going to be pissed. I tell her if he cries the whole time I'm going to laugh at him. He was excited at first. Now he's scared for no reason. I'll laugh. He better not cry the whole time. Our turn to load! Man with the little girl is planning photo ops with gramma, who by the way doesn't look at all old enough to be gramma, let alone mom to these grown ass men. Little girl and her dad go up first. Click. Then dad with one semi calm boy and one crying boy. Click. Watch crying boy get carried up the ladder. C goes up. I crawl up. Sit down. Buckle up. Dads are trying to calm crying boy down. Look crying boy, your brother isn't scared. It can't be that scary. Look crying boy, the little girl isn't scared, it's not going to be that scary. Aren't you excited crying boy? Wooo! C and and I both try to help. Exciting! Yay! Woohoo! He's calming but he is clearly still scared. I peek out over the back of the truck and see my mom. I wave. She takes a picture.
We are ready to start moving! So excited. The little boy seems alright... Then we hit the dirt mound and he hits the gas. I caught some serious air. Good thing I'm buckled in. That's when the lil guy loses it. He's full on wailing. Pure terror in his eyes. Screaming. We do a couple cookies and he doesn't show signs of quitting. I laugh. His dad is laughing. Calm down boy! We're not going to fly out. We're all laughing and having fun. Even the little girl is fine. More cookies, around the space, up the dirt mound. His screaming gets more intense. His face is beet red. Then the drool starts to fall out of his mouth. I laugh harder. We're driving so fast that his drool is flying out of the side of his mouth like a dog with its head out the window on the freeway. Good thing we're doing cookies this direction. The spittle is flying off to the seat no one is sitting in. Thank god I sat over here...I'm laughing so hard now I almost can't breath. His dad is cracking up. The cookies are fun and this little boy is terrified. The ride is over and the truck is backing up to the ladder and the boy is still crying. I almost high five his dad who is still laughing as hard as I am.
I know, I know. I'm going to hell. I'm a terrible person.
IT WAS HYSTERICAL!
Mom wants to buy some chocolate to take home and we need shaved ice before heading back to the car. Both C and I are so tired. Our feet are about to go on strike. It's warm out. There are children everywhere. And while it sure is fun to see how these people think it's appropriate to go into public (I saw my first ever fanny back pack. Was bigger than a fanny pack but sits in the same place and has the same basic shape, just with a much larger pouch), I am ready to leave.
Get shaved ice, mom gets just ice....no flavor. Weirdo. Pass another shaved ice place that is of course cheaper than the ones we bought. Walk alllllll the way back to the car. How do I even get out of this place? The ice is melting and now there is all of this super bright red dangerous stain happy juice and I just want to drink it but it's impossible out of this stupidly shaped ice holder thinga majigger. I should have gotten no flavor too. I'm thirsty.
Now I have to try and find my way out of the parking lot. The first parking attendant tells us which way to go. The second one seems to point us towards more parking...then by the third guy I know this isn't the right way but then I spy an exit sign and I basically floor it, but not really at all.
It takes us 5 minutes to get from the fair to the freeway now that there is no traffic. 5 minutes.
Hit the usual outlet mall traffic on the way home but basically make it all the way back with little hassle. Thank freakin goodness.
Food is a good idea before going home. To balance all the crap food we ate today. So we head to an italian place near moms house. It looks really crowded but the crown is just people being in the way. We're seated quickly. In a small back room with 2 other tables. One with a couple and one with a couple and 2 little girls seated after us. Order and wait. Notice that the Ceaser bust is staring at us... Listen to the little girls. They get salads. We still wait.
Scrape scrape scrape. I see C's eye twitch. Not only is the sound of silverware scratching across a bowl annoying and bone chillingly annoying....but the little girl won't stop. I look over at her, and she is just scraping away. Scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrapescrapescrapescrapescrape scrapescrapescrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape. Punch you in your little girl face! I can hear C's veins popping.
She eventually puts the fork down. She almost died...she doesn't even know.
We finally get our food and it's sooooo good. We all got calzones. Delicious. We can only eat half. They are giant sized and we ordered the small size. Good to know... We get foil and a paper bag for our left overs. C and her OCD wrap and fold and her calzone looks like a wrapped present. I on the other hand....well let's just say it was easy to tell the difference between C's and mine. Sloppy....

Labor day weekend

My moms birthday was Saturday and we planned on going to the state fair. We had to meet my mom at 11 that morning. Friday night, however, big J and friends were going camping. There were going to some 4 wheeling thing Saturday and camping out the night before. C and I love camping...and we let big J talk us into camping for the night. We only required a tent to sleep in and he had that. We packed quick and headed out to meet at big J's. First I stopped for gas and C was going to get some cigarettes. That's when we found out she didn't have her ID or debit card. Awesome! Drove back to the house and did a frantic search...with no luck. She made some calls and found out she had left it at her friends house when she went to a wedding the day before. Too late now, we had to meet big J. So frantically we drove over there...Where we waited for him to finish packing.
And then we drove to R's house, who I had never met before. And we waited some more. We were just parked down an alley, waiting. I drove my own car for a change since we had to leave early the next morning. So me and C were listening to music in my car and we're sandwiched between big J and not so big J. We laughed a lot, like we do...about basically nothing and then about me because I laughed and it's possible there was a snort...which made us laugh harder.
Finally, an hour after we were supposed to meet big J we were on the road...guess we had time to go get C's ID and debit card after all...To the camp site! We all turn around...in an alley. Not the easiest of feats, but we all made it and then we drove. And drove. And drove some more. It was late in the day so we wanted to get to the site before dark so it would be easier to set up the tent.
Gravel roads, more driving, dust....we notice that my car is the smallest car around. Should we be worried? Hell no! My car is a gangsta. It can handle these roads just fine thank you. Drive some more. And some more. Have to keep up with the big cars. Suddenly C and I realize my car is like a wart. It's not going to ruin your life but it's kind of annoying to have around. most of the time though it's invisible. They forget we're back here. other cars don't see the tiny wart car and don't get over on the narrow road for us. We're a wart. Forgotten about. Invisible. The smallest car in the woods. Poor car...
Find a clear spot and park. All we have is clothes, bedding and a blow up mattress so we have to wait for the tent to get set up. Big J unloads the tent and we all stand around staring at it. I've never seen a tent like this before. These aren't those bendy snap together kind of tent poles. They're like serious metal poles. Big. Not at all like the tent poles I'm used to. I have no idea how to set this up. Thankfully big J seems to be able to figure it out. He lays out the tent and puts some poles together and then C and I are official tent pole holders. Then we need not so big Js help too. And then it's being staked down. When we finally get done and take a step back...it looks like something from the set of MASH. Seriously. Same army green color...Same old school tent shape. And gigantic. At least we know there is plenty of room. Big J inflates our air mattress and we set up the bed while R makes a fire and H sets up some camping chairs for everyone.
I so totally love camping. We're all around the fire and not so big J and H start making dinner for everyone. Chili dogs ya'll! They're so nice to feed all of us. R makes some chicken for himself over the fire and by the time we're eating it's too dark for us to see out plates. You ever tried to eat a chili dog in the dark? I kept cutting too big of hot dog pieces and eating only bread. And dropping food off of my fork...It was really graceful.
It's possible we noticed the "no fires" sign on the tree behind us...but maybe we didn't and we had a fire anyway. We had to cook! And we needed light!
R is still cooking his chicken and we're moving on to smores...only H heard about using Reese's instead of a chocolate bar. AMAZING! Messy...but oh so good!
Eventually C and I have to pee, because that's what happens when you drink fluids. It's dark, we have tp, and a shovel and we head off into the woods. Only, we don't want to go too far because it's dark, and the woods, so that's scary. We're not too far from the camp site when we start to pop a ladylike squat (we do this too much...) when big J decides to shine his light on us to see what we're doing. Nice. Now we're as exposed as possible to everyone. He finally leaves us alone and we pee and for some reason we have technical difficulties and C tries not to pee on me and I try not to pee on me too. Why did I stand on a slight hill? Bladders emptied. Now we bury the tp. First, dig a whole (yes, I realize we could have dug the hole first and peed in it and just covered it up but we weren't thinking clearly because we had to pee real bad. So C tries to dig a hole but has some issues. Using a shovel with flip flops is not the easiest...She finds roots....of course, we did crouch behind a tree... I try...more roots. I turn around and try a new spot. I manage to dig a hole...shallow...but still a hole. We bury the tp and finally take real breaths because we've been laughing the entire time.
We hang out at the camp fire and watch R cook his chicken. Maybe have more smores... Find a sign on the sap covered tree between the cars. It says "Camp Joe: Highway to hell". Comforting...Hope Joe doesn't come to claim his land.
Big J says something about a green light. Ummm huh? Turns out he's not crazy. There is some green laser shining through the woods. There's some yelling, confusion and then some watching. The laser eventually stops and we have no idea where it comes from. Random...
Which reminds me...I have glow sticks in the car! Time for glow crowns. And bracelets. 
We tire out and head to tent (can't say bed now can I?). C and I have a mattress and big J is sleeping on the floor. Lots of adjusting, covering, shifting and finally we're settled. That's when I see it. A big ass SPIDER on the CEILING of the tent. Oh. My. GOD! I tuck my head into my blanket making sure my entire body is properly tucked into the blanket while I try to force the words out of my mouth. Spider. Big. Up there. Eek.
Since I can't see anything I can only hear them ask where it is. The C sees it. Then big J sees it. And laughs. Just kill it ok? Nope. Instead they talk about how big it is. And then how fast it is. And then about how its headed RIGHT TOWARDS ME. Of course it is. Spiders know my loathing.... They sense it and attack. I hear some shuffling and some laughing while big J tries to figure out how to kill it. And then he smashes it...and can't tell for sure if he killed it. Are you kidding me? I'm hyperventilating in my blanket protection wall here...I need to know he's dead before I come out. I take a little peek anyway. They're looking through the jackets, and shoes..Stupid Houdini spider...
Relief! Spider found! Dead!!! on the bottom of the shoe used to kill it. What a strange place to look for it...
Somehow we finally manage to fall asleep.
Everyone is up before me. I'm awake, I've just chosen not to get out of the tent yet. They force me. By way of yelling at me. How kind they are. No, but really. Not so big J and H make us breakfast and R makes coffee. Coffee makes C very happy. I sit and contemplate finding a pee spot. Instead I brush my teeth because it's just the best feeling in the world with morning breath.
It's early but C and I have to get going, and the guys have to get ready for amazing fun times with 4 wheeling, so we start to break down the tent and pack stuff away. We decide to leave a little earlier than planned so we can go get C's ID before meeting up with mom. Big J tells us the way to get out...all lefts. Take all lefts. All. Lefts. Got it. Good. Off we drive.
Left.
Left.
Which way? Left.
Turn, drive, turn, drive, drive, drive.
Hey...that Jeep looks familiar....And I know that girl folding that sleeping bag. Damn it! After a moment of totally confusion on all our parts everyone starts laughing. C and I in the car and H and big J at the camp site. I hardly even slow down. I just keep driving. How the hell did that happen?? I took all lefts! I guess too many lefts will eventually take you in a circle...
Stop and ask for directions at the rock quarry from some nice guy with a gun. Find out where we made a mistake. That last left? Supposed to be a slight right. Ugh.
We're finally on the road, and even though we tried to leave early...Well...we're cutting it close time wise. Sorry mom!