Central Oregon

C had been down in Bend since the middle of the week and I was of course totally jealous. I wanted to hang out by the river and play in the woods! Good news for me: Big J's friends were heading down that way and agreed to give me a ride! I packed way too quick (and forgot important things) and headed out to Oregon City to meet them. I parked in the Sharis parking lot and we head off. Boy C or not so big J said something about how sure are we that my car won't get towed and I brush it off. Until we make it to taco bell where I have a moment of worry...and then push it out of my mind again. I'm sure it will be fine. And then we're on the road. Not so big J dances along and bumps some lady gaga which I am a-ok with. The trip flies by...at least for me. We meet up with big J and C at big J's grandma's house...and some how beat them there... We make small talk with gramma until they pull up a few minutes later. We hang out with gramma for a little bit and the all head out to eat some dinner and go 4 wheeling...but we have to tell gramma we're going bowling because she doesn't like big J to go out 4 wheeling.
We go to Applebee's. Right away there are problems because the poor waitress is totally backed up and we sit for a while before anyone comes to take our drink order, and when someone finally does come it's the manager. I have no problem waiting. I know how crazy things can get for a waitress, but big J is definitely annoyed. And isn't quiet about it. He seems to calm down once we finally get our drinks and order food. I'm willing to bet he was cranky because he was hungry. I've noticed boys get that way when they're hungry.
There's more smart assness out of the guys before the food finally makes it to our table. Big J makes conversation with the host, and the waitress and tries to get boy C hit on the waitress.He doesn't. We pay and head out to the Jeeps.
We finally start driving to go 4 wheeling. I'm excited. Adrenaline is a good thing if you ask me and there's no better way to get some than to go on a 4 wheeling adventure with crazy boys.
We head out to a road the boys all know well. Only...when we're on the road the GPS says it's called Arnold Ice Cave Road. Ummm huh? C tries to take a picture of it which is funny to watch. The road is bumpy and she can't keep her phone steady enough to take a picture. She takes a few fuzzy pictures as her hands bounce around all over the place. It looks like she has no control over her arms at all. She finally takes a picture that is clear enough to see what's going on...but it's still fuzzy. Good job C!
We end up going to a place with a giant hill. Big J navigates the steep climb up the hill...and a few times I think we might not make it. Like the time we started rolling back down the hill when we were already half way up. When we make it up finally we wait to watch not so big J's Jeep come up over the edge. In the dark, when all you can see is headlights, it's funny to watch. Just sets of lights bobbing from side to side, up and down. You can't even tell what's going on with the actual vehicle. Once everyone is at the top of the hill we all get out to stretch and look at the stars, which are AMAZING! I love a clear night sky outside of the city. You can see so many freakin stars.
C and I have to tinkle so we ask if anyone has any napkins or something. For a couple minutes it looks like we'll either be holding it or drip drying...but then not so big J saves the day with 2 napkins. Perfect. We get the flashlight (thank god...no spying eyes this time...) and start to walk down the opposite side of the hill. We're very careful...but still slide a little bit here and there. The dirt on this hill is so skooshy. We make it a little ways down...and decide to go just a little further. Make sure we have a steady spot to stand and we're parallel...don't want anyone peeing on anyone. C empties about 4 gallons. I'm basically standing in the dark twiddling my thumbs waiting for her. Don't drink so much coffee! As she stands up I hear something heavy fall into the skooshy dirt. Knowing it's the flashlight and hearing her say "oh no" or something to that effect I yell "oh no!" way too loud and the boys ask if we're ok. By now she has picked up the flashlight and is inspecting it to make sure it didn't land in her woman made pond while I yell back that we are totally fine and there is no reason to shine a light anywhere in our direction. Good news: It landed in dry dirt. We crawl back up the hill. Even with the flashlight falling, that was the most uneventful pop squat popping we've done.
After looking at the stars some more we head off for more driving fun. Big J is trying to get to a specific spot so we take a dirt side road. Worst road ever. Before we even get very far on the road we pass through 2 trees...that have wire wrapped around them...and there is bullet ridden garbage tucked into that wire. Ahhh I feel so safe. Giant pointy rocks, branches that keep scratching the side of the Jeep. I realize just how many scary movie moments we have when we stop a ways down the road to look at more bullet ridden things in the dark. Looks like old appliances make great shooting targets. Drive some more. The road keeps sucking. Drive drive drive, tilt to the side far enough that when I look out my window I can say hi the the ground (and I do). Drive drive drive, over a chasm. Drive drive drive oh hey there tree branch in my face.
Cs window is down. She's looking out the window. We're driving. All I hear is "whoa fuck!" and I see Cs head go from close to the window to the middle of the car in .3 seconds flat. A branch tried to attack her face through the open window. That wasn't the last time it happened....We keep driving...and it feels like we're getting deeper into the forest. The scraping sounds the branches are making on the outside of the Jeep are giving us goosebumps. That sound is bone chilling.
This road helps us to find out that Becky, the GPS, has a mental disability. She keeps thinking we're not on a road when we are...or tells us we're on this road...even though there are no turns in front of us and she clearly thinks we're turning. All this off roading must have knocked her poor lil brain loose.
We drive some more and then we see a light. Is there a house way out here? Wait a minute...the road has ended! We popped out in civilization again. Damn damn damn. We turn around and see a sign. "Public access to caves restricted year round". Sounds like an invitation to me! We get excited at the possibility of caves. But...can't find them. So we keep driving. Find a new road. Drive a ways. All of a sudden we're stopped and big J is looking at something with the flashlight. I hear him ask "what is that?" as he opens the door and goes to investigate.
"PINECONES!"
He holds up a GIANT bag filled with pinecones. The bag has to be like 4 feet tall. And it's as big around as a big dude. Where the hell...why on earth....who would even...Who gives a rats ass? We just found a giant bag of pinecones! Jeeps are parked and we start taking pictures with my new boyfriend, Piney. He hangs out in the back of the Jeep while we pose around him. Not so big J takes a minute to call H, who is out of town for the weekend so she can't meet Piney yet. I hug Piney while others mock our love. They're right though, he can sure be kinda prickly sometimes.
The boys are paranoid about sounds in the woods. Im sure it's just wildlife guys. Big J asks if we heard that stick break. Sure...but it's probably a rabbit or something...like the one we didn't really almost run over but you jumped like we did.
C steps on a stick and asks if anyone heard that stick break. We laugh like maniacs.
Big J and boy C watch Step Brothers in the Jeep while not so big J keeps talking to H. C and I go for a short walk up the road and then big Js headlights turn off and it is way too dark so we run back.
I find a couple of sticks and draw a tic tac toe game in the dirt. We play. I lose. C declares she is the winner. "I'm the Ki.....ween!" She tried to say king of the game and then realized she should say queen and she made a new word. We cackle some more. Then I write KIWEEN in the dirt. She tried to take a picture but taking a picture of dirt in the dark is surprisingly hard. The boys are ready to leave and wonder what we're laughing about this time. We don't say anything.
Drive some more. Find a new road. Then....Jackpot!! We happen upon a 4 wheeling specific patch of land. Its fenced off and you have to go through a certain spot to get in. At first big J won't go. There is a sign that says some vehicles are prohibited. Not so big J is just having a blast rolling around in the playground of hills and bumps and dips. We inspect the sign. Silly big J. Clearly it says we're allowed. Yessssss!
Squeeze through the entry and we're in. Up and down, up and down, around and round. This is awesome. Big J goes left. Not so big J goes right. Both go up and then out of sight from each other. It's like unsynchronized Jeeping. The newest sport. We end up going down a steep little tiny path. Another one of those times I think we might not make it. But we do, of course. Just in time for not so big J to come down the same path. Big J gets out and tries to stop him. He's too late to stop so he helps guide him down the crazy path and we're off again. Not so big J is behind us...and then he isn't. Where did he go? It's all black out. And then we see headlights. Only...They're not attached to not so big Js Jeep. We don't know those lights. And they're not in the play pit...they're just above it. Big J starts to freak out. He thinks it's the fuzz. He turns off his lights and I know we're invisible down here. Why is my heart pounding? I hate when paranoid people make me paranoid too. Then the strange lights are gone and I see not so big J come back to life when he turns his lights on and he starts flashing his brights as he drives towards us. Big J starts driving. We're on a mission to get out now. Only...we don't exactly know where the exit is. It's dark out so we can't see anything that the headlights don't illuminate. Up a hill...and we find a picnic table. This can't be right. Fence. There's a fence in the way. Oh...no problem. Big J goes all He Man Hulk and the fence is no longer a problem. We drive over it and out of the park. Not so big J follows and we drive fast. Silly boys.
We head back to big Js grammas house. Not so big J and boy C head to boy Cs cousins house to sleep. It's late and not so big J has to get up early to be back in Portland in time to work. Back at grammas we cuddle up in bed like the happy family we are and watch a movie before the sleep timer on the tv forces us to go to sleep.
The next day, after taking our time to get up and lounging around the house watching awesome old school movies (Cool as Ice staring the one and only Vanilla Ice...Highly recommended if you like to ask "what the hell is going on" a lot, and Waking up in Reno, also recommended but because it's actually kind of good) we head out for a walk. Big Js gramma really does live in an awesome area. Without walking very far at all we're on the river. The rocks are totally awesome. Shaped by water like I've never seen before. They look crazy. Wavy and full of perfectly round holes. They're like sculptures. We walk and big J moves an unstable rock...out crawls a teeny little lizard. C spots it. I try to catch it but that em effer is fast! I gave up once and then tried again. I got him. He was so tiny! Cute. I tried to take a picture of him on my hand with my phone but before I could turn on the camera he leaped from my hand. It's a long way to fall when you're that tiny...but he seemed fine as he ran off, just as fast as ever. I guess I'd freak out too if something 500 times my size just picked me up. We follow a walking path a ways along the river...until it's too overgrown for us to go any further.
Instead of turning back...big J decides it's rock climbing day and we're going to climb up this steep almost cliff side to get to the top where there is a bench overlooking the river. C is wearing flip flops. This is gonna be fun. We crawl up some rocks. In some dirt. Big J has a big walking stick to help him. Cheater. I actually started to have fun trying to look for where I should put my feet, what I could use as a hand hold and finding a path to the top. I pass big J and find a spot at the top on a rock to watch Cs progress. She had to take her flip flops off and is now crawling up kinda like a monkey. Chuckle chuckle.
Once we're all up the hill we take a break at the bench. It's not big enough for all 3 of us. Stupid tiny bench.  At this point I'm pretty sure I want to actually get into rock climbing. We start walking down the path again. We pass by a giant metal pipe that looks like a candy cane. If my brain was working properly I would have taken a picture with my phone but now I'm hot and sweaty which makes me irritable. I'm not even in the right clothes for this...and I don't have any other clothes to wear when we get back. I stink and I hate being sweaty. We walk until the path intersects with a road and that's where we turn around. When we get to the field not too far from grammas house big J spots a deer in the field eating grass. He says we can get pretty close to it so we walk into the field with our phones out and ready to take pictures. We really did close to it. Like within feet of it. I have never seen a deer that close up. It just kept eating grass. Eventually it got spooked and bounded off to the trees. Big J stalked it. That thing is going to have nightmares about him. It gracefully bounded up the side of a hill and into someones driveway, taking time to literally smell the flowers before walking further.
Across the street and one house down from grammas we find the deer again, in someones yard eating foliage. Big J stalks it some more. C and I walk to the house.
After big J gets done deer stalking and washing off Cs dirty climbing feet we go inside and get ready to take gramma to the store. Big J starts a load of laundry and makes me add my dirty clothes to load to ensure it's fullness. Before thinking about it I give him the clothes I wore yesterday. After he puts them in I realize now I can't take a shower to wash off my rock climb stank because I have nothing to change into. Say hi to stanky Kay everyone!
Gramma tells big J to take it easy when he drives, which makes me laugh. At the store C and I are set loose to find fun stuff. And we do. A nerf football for $3. Hells yes I bought it. I'm keeping it in the trunk with glowsticks so we're always ready for glow football. I love that C encourages my child brain.
Back at the house it's quiet. I grab my book (Dear John) and start reading. C watches tv with gramma. J does some work on his lights on the Jeep. After a while I notice I'm alone in the living room. I get up to check my phone and see that big J and C are watching a movie in the office. Vampires Suck. I totally want to see that. Big J says I'm missing all the fun. I hate starting movies in the middle...and it doesn't really look like there's anywhere for me to sit anyway so I check my phone and decide to keep reading but by the river. It's still sunny out and how often do I get the chance to read with my feet dangling in the river, sitting on a sculpture rock? Oh, right. Never. So I take my book and make the short walk down to the water. Definitely a good idea. It's gorgeous out and so peaceful. I don't even get a full page read before big J texts me to say we have to get ready to go home soon and C is walking up to my side. Apparently big J kept calling for me to come watch the movie and they wondered why I wasn't answering. Oops.
Go back, pack (which takes me zero minutes), throw Piney on the roof rack and hug gramma goodbye.
On the way home big J opens the sunroof so C can look at the stars. I unbuckle (unsafe! unsafe!!) and flip around so my feet are where my head should be and my head is on the middle console...and I have a perfect view of the sky. Kinda trippy when the car is in motion on a curvy road, that's for sure.
I can't even lie...I was so relieved when we pulled into the Sharis and I saw my car peacefully sitting right where I left him. I knew it wouldn't get towed...but when someone puts a thought like that in your head...it's kinda hard to get it out.