Oregon State Fair

I don't know what made mom want to go to the fair for her birthday, but that's the choice she made so that's what we did. We started off meeting her near the mall to pick her and her cake up. I feel terrible that I never buy her b-day cake. Some day mom! At least this year you got real presents.
Before making it to meet up with mom we had to run home from camping, put on clean clothes, pee in a toilet, and get C's ID from her friend's house. Some how we were only 10 minutes behind schedule. Pick up the cake and head to moms for cake eating. Of course the cake was chocolatey goodness, I got the addiction from somewhere right?
Grab some directions and head to the fair. I expected the drive to take about an hour but of course forgot about traffic. On Labor Day weekend. All bad. So we sit in traffic for a while. Drive for a while and sit in traffic some more. The traffic just to get to the fair was crazy. It took us half an hour to get from the freeway exit to the fair. It wasn't that far...
Wait in the longest line of cars ever in history (ok, probably not) before we get to the parking lot. First empty spot I see I take because I don't really care where we park, I just can't sit in traffic any more. Thanks to my impatience, we have to walk forever to get to the fair but we finally make it.
Now... What to do. The place is gigantic. There a buildings with things to look at and buy inside. There is a huge food court. A place with all the rides. A ski lift going through the middle of it all if you want to take a break from walking but want to keep moving...I guess. Costs 5 bucks. Didn't we have to buy tickets to get in here? Hey look! Giant pig. 1000 lbs? I gotta see this....oh it costs to see? Eff that. Giant alligator! Oh....more money. No. Wander. Look at stuff. Crafts. Things. Junk. Sheets. Find S and her family. They're looking for dinosaurs. Ooh That sounds fun. C and I go to get some food. Takes us way too long to figure out what to eat. Nachos won. bad idea for me since they always make me sick...but whatever. It's the fair. Walk around with mom. Look at a ton of quilts. We're walking through a maze of quilts, admiring and scoffing...2 older ladies come around the corner. I walk the other way and C hears them. One says "That quilt is dope". Yes. That really just happened. Oh lord... Check out some kick ass cakes. Buy some chocolate. Find S and family in line for the dinosaurs. The long ass line. Surprise surprise, it costs money to go in there too. Why did we even buy tickets? What a freakin rip off. Walk around some more. Oh. My. God! Is that a monster truck that we can ride? Now that, I'll wait in line for! The line isn't even that long! Hells yes. Yes, it costs money. But I want to. C wants to. It looks like it could be more fun...but it looks like the most fun thing to ride here. So we get in line. We count the people in front of us, watch the truck drive around. Figure out how long it will be until we're up there. They have an airline type giant rolling ladders for you to crawl up into the bed of the truck. So exciting! Another truck load of people go and right now it's looking like we'll be riding with one little girl and 2 little boys. Joy. The boys keep running away and getting yelled at. Run away. Get yelled at. Come back. Run away. Get yelled at. Come back. A
Awesome.
Then we get closer to riding. The boys change their minds. They don't want to. Yesssssss. They go away.
Not too long after they come back. They're dad is telling them to go. Stop that sir. I want peaceful reckless fun thank you very much. They're back in line in front of us. Damn.
Now they're crying. They're scared. They don't want to go. Now Dad is in line with them in front of us. They're still crying. Sweeeeeet.
Now only one is crying. Ok....C says if this little boy cries the whole time she's going to be pissed. I tell her if he cries the whole time I'm going to laugh at him. He was excited at first. Now he's scared for no reason. I'll laugh. He better not cry the whole time. Our turn to load! Man with the little girl is planning photo ops with gramma, who by the way doesn't look at all old enough to be gramma, let alone mom to these grown ass men. Little girl and her dad go up first. Click. Then dad with one semi calm boy and one crying boy. Click. Watch crying boy get carried up the ladder. C goes up. I crawl up. Sit down. Buckle up. Dads are trying to calm crying boy down. Look crying boy, your brother isn't scared. It can't be that scary. Look crying boy, the little girl isn't scared, it's not going to be that scary. Aren't you excited crying boy? Wooo! C and and I both try to help. Exciting! Yay! Woohoo! He's calming but he is clearly still scared. I peek out over the back of the truck and see my mom. I wave. She takes a picture.
We are ready to start moving! So excited. The little boy seems alright... Then we hit the dirt mound and he hits the gas. I caught some serious air. Good thing I'm buckled in. That's when the lil guy loses it. He's full on wailing. Pure terror in his eyes. Screaming. We do a couple cookies and he doesn't show signs of quitting. I laugh. His dad is laughing. Calm down boy! We're not going to fly out. We're all laughing and having fun. Even the little girl is fine. More cookies, around the space, up the dirt mound. His screaming gets more intense. His face is beet red. Then the drool starts to fall out of his mouth. I laugh harder. We're driving so fast that his drool is flying out of the side of his mouth like a dog with its head out the window on the freeway. Good thing we're doing cookies this direction. The spittle is flying off to the seat no one is sitting in. Thank god I sat over here...I'm laughing so hard now I almost can't breath. His dad is cracking up. The cookies are fun and this little boy is terrified. The ride is over and the truck is backing up to the ladder and the boy is still crying. I almost high five his dad who is still laughing as hard as I am.
I know, I know. I'm going to hell. I'm a terrible person.
IT WAS HYSTERICAL!
Mom wants to buy some chocolate to take home and we need shaved ice before heading back to the car. Both C and I are so tired. Our feet are about to go on strike. It's warm out. There are children everywhere. And while it sure is fun to see how these people think it's appropriate to go into public (I saw my first ever fanny back pack. Was bigger than a fanny pack but sits in the same place and has the same basic shape, just with a much larger pouch), I am ready to leave.
Get shaved ice, mom gets just ice....no flavor. Weirdo. Pass another shaved ice place that is of course cheaper than the ones we bought. Walk alllllll the way back to the car. How do I even get out of this place? The ice is melting and now there is all of this super bright red dangerous stain happy juice and I just want to drink it but it's impossible out of this stupidly shaped ice holder thinga majigger. I should have gotten no flavor too. I'm thirsty.
Now I have to try and find my way out of the parking lot. The first parking attendant tells us which way to go. The second one seems to point us towards more parking...then by the third guy I know this isn't the right way but then I spy an exit sign and I basically floor it, but not really at all.
It takes us 5 minutes to get from the fair to the freeway now that there is no traffic. 5 minutes.
Hit the usual outlet mall traffic on the way home but basically make it all the way back with little hassle. Thank freakin goodness.
Food is a good idea before going home. To balance all the crap food we ate today. So we head to an italian place near moms house. It looks really crowded but the crown is just people being in the way. We're seated quickly. In a small back room with 2 other tables. One with a couple and one with a couple and 2 little girls seated after us. Order and wait. Notice that the Ceaser bust is staring at us... Listen to the little girls. They get salads. We still wait.
Scrape scrape scrape. I see C's eye twitch. Not only is the sound of silverware scratching across a bowl annoying and bone chillingly annoying....but the little girl won't stop. I look over at her, and she is just scraping away. Scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrapescrapescrapescrapescrape scrapescrapescrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape. Punch you in your little girl face! I can hear C's veins popping.
She eventually puts the fork down. She almost died...she doesn't even know.
We finally get our food and it's sooooo good. We all got calzones. Delicious. We can only eat half. They are giant sized and we ordered the small size. Good to know... We get foil and a paper bag for our left overs. C and her OCD wrap and fold and her calzone looks like a wrapped present. I on the other hand....well let's just say it was easy to tell the difference between C's and mine. Sloppy....